Results

Yesterday the GCSE results came out. Amid everyone apparently celebrating and dancing while posing for the BBC cameras, it was mentioned that now more people than ever are achieving the top grades. So that's all fine and dandy.
A few comments to be made then about exams.
1. They are a waste of time. We are tested far, far too much.
2. 1 was really the only point.
3. Stop with the numbers already.

As usual there was a huge gap between boys and girls. Girls, perhaps as expected, did much higher but I put that down to working far too hard. The GCSEs are really not all that important! It's a lot more important to do a minimum of revision and a maximum of gameplaying - I would be an excellent example of how one should prepare for your exams. Yes, you should do some reading-up if only so you don't fall behind your fellow students - but too much is simply a waste of time. There will come a point when one realises you've spent all your life working far too hard but you've never really had any fun. Unless you would describe the nail-biting excitement of counting breeze-blocks after you finish early as "fun".
The only other thing you can do after the end of the exam is using your calculator to play Countdown. As an ancient retro game for the Com64 put it - "You can have a lot of fun and thrill." I couldn't have put it better myself.

The upshot of all this is - exams are a total waste of time. It's even worse if you let them totally take over your life in the months leading up to them.

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Right. At this point there are still a lot of regular blog-readers on holiday. As such I don't want to use any of the good ideas for future entries now while there are hardly any people around to see them. Therefore :
I propose a week of no blogging. True, this will remove the last iota of humour from the interwebs, but you won't have subpar entries. It also gives me time to improve and refine some of the future blog entry ideas. A good plan?

Pluto

Scientists have gone too far this time. First they split the atom, then they invented the atom bomb, then they forecast environmental doom and gloom, but this is the last straw with these people. Pluto has lost its status as a planet.
We've seen it before, the powers-that-be taking a well-earned privilege away. James Bond losing his licence to kill. That guy from the Doom movie losing his ears. And now this! It's an outrage.
But this means more than just hurting the little people, even if the little people are a 2,360km radius planetoid. School textbooks will have to be re-written down, and it feels like the entire solar system has changed. We can't have eight planets! What kind of a crappy number is eight? With nine, you knew where you stood. It was one off double digits, it was an edgy number, a number that felt like it was going places. But eight...
Pluto has lost its status because it has a crazy elliptical orbit which intersects Neptune's orbit, while all other planets do not. The potential "new planets" of Ceres, Charon and UB313 (a catchy name, sure to go places) join Pluto as a new "dwarf planet". I sense discrimation.
Thus :

Campaign for the Re-Acceptance of Pluto.

Pluto should be made a planet again, because it quite clearly is. One dismissal was that Pluto is smaller than some of the moons in the Solar System, specifically those of Jupiter and Saturn. But they are moons, people. They orbit another planet, and "it must be in orbit around the Sun" is the primary consideration. Therefore the size is irrelevant. It also takes on a "nearly round shape" which is the second consideration. It only loses out because of its orbit.
So I propose a radical plan to force those bastards to make Pluto a planet once more. We must send out a whole squadron of carefully programmed satellites, each with a nuclear bomb of sufficient magnitude to move Pluto's orbit. Once they are all positioned, a message will be sent to detonate them in the correct order and make Pluto follow the same orbit as all other planets. Sure, it would cost $Lots, but it's budget better spent than on other certain things. Such as killing people, for one.

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After a bit of retail therapy today when I spent around £100, we will soon have reviews of Prey, Civ IV and Oblivion. Add on the new cartoon, the Story of WTF, and various other things - future updates are looking good.

Siege

Die Hard is still the king of one-person-saves-the-day action films. The Rock would come a close second except there are 2 heroes, so that comes top of the two-people-save-the-day action film table. But today we review the film Under Siege, which is basically Die Hard on a battleship. Alas, there isn't really any comparison between the two. It's like comparing Minestrone Soup to Dick Cheney (I really like Minestrone Soup).


Firstly, the general review of Under Siege. It was a fairly decent film, but it suffered from lacking several things that made Die Hard so great. As well as the things I'll mention further down, you just didn't care. It sounds odd, but you just didn't really care what happened because you knew things were bound to turn out good, because such a patriotic film can't end badly. It defies all known laws of the universe. And some others.
The action sequences were fairly good but none of the characters were memorable. Tommy Lee Jones played a good villain, though, so that makes things a little bit better. The ending was so corny I thought my entire television might erupt into an explosion of the yellow cereal grain.

Bruce Willis vs Steven Seagal

No competition, Bruce Willis wins by far. He is more charismatic, more exciting, and the desperation-humour in Die Hard he did perfectly. Bruce Willis is far more believable as an action hero; one half expects Steven to suddenly stop fighting and attempt to make up with the hijackers, possibly offering them a hand-knitted jumper as part of the bargain. A win for Die Hard by miles.

Nakatomi Plaza vs The Battleship

The Plaza was by far the better setting. I'm not completely sure why, but taking over a battleship seemed so much more unlikely. Getting twenty hijackers into a skyscraper - easy. Just use the lifts. But getting them onto the battleship required helicopters, and you've have thought the Navy would run some kind of background check on the people they were bringing in for the Captain's surprise party. Score one for Die Hard.

Stealing Cash vs Stealing Nukes

This was the only round where Under Siege draws level with Die Hard. Yes, shock and horror required. While in Die Hard is was merely stealing cash - albeit in a very cool way - Under Siege say them constructing a pulley system after taking over the battleship and lowering the 8 Tomahawks into a waiting submarine. It gets credit for inventiveness, certainly, but Die Hard had the vault, the hacking, and the money raining down at the end of the film. These two, therefore, are about even.

Alan Rickman vs Tommy Lee Jones + Gary Busey

Tommy Lee Jones was let down by Gary Busey, partially because of the cringe-worthy drag sequence Mr Busey took part in. It was wholly pointless and made me embarassed to be watching it. Nevertheless, Alan Rickman made possibly the best onscreen villain ever. His entire manner was perfect and it couldn't have been better. Die Hard wins this round.

In conclusion, Under Siege was on the boundary between fairly-decent-entertainment and a waste of time. More reviews and whatnot coming soon.

Batter

The blurb for the Shareware game "Batter Up Cat" says :

"This is a game the whole family can play for hours"

After playing this game for half a minute I wanted to jam a pencil into my skull. I don't even want to consider playing this for "hours" without the guarantee that I could afford the reconstructive surgery and the months upon months of psychological therapy required afterwards.

When I first saw the title of this "game", I thought it was going to be a hilarious game where you had to cover a cat in batter, and then perhaps eat it. Any game producers reading - there's a market for that. Anyway, when I downloaded this abomination I was sorely disappointed. After the tiny opening screen that takes up less space than Ruth Kelly's libido I was treated to the option to choose three difficulties. In the background there was something like baseball court. Or something.

I clicked "Easy" because I thought it was best to get used to the game slowly at first. The screen then cleared and I could see that you were a cat, batting at baseball. Naturally, in order to produce hours of gameplay I assumed that there would be different options, you could actually RUN, and maybe a few hidden power-ups. Not so. The ball is thrown at you, you try to hit it. That is the entire freaking game. Playing this felt like being impaled on a blunt spoon while being shat on from so high and at such a speed it smashed through me while someone played Westlife in the background and jabbed me viciously in the eyes.

Next, the actual interface. I didn't take a screenshot of it because I later discovered this scumpile of pixel-kind was infested with Spyware. Thanks for telling me Norton! But below is a pretty accurate reconstruction of what it looked like.


We can see the strange no-legged man/thing who throws the ball, the amazing graphics of the Cat himself, and the crosshair. Oh, the joys that crosshair brought! As far I could work out the crosshair must've been some kind of in-joke the developers put in. If you click the crosshair on the ball nothing will happen. It took me until the SIXTH ball to actually hit the fucker. Each time he throws it the location of where you actually need to click seems to randomly change from one side of the crosshair, to the other, or even off the pitch.

So that is the entire game. Any family that does in fact play this steaming pile of shit for more than half a minute should be neutered for the good of all mankind. If anyone has anything positive to say about this unspeakable CESSPOOL of Mhz, I'll be in my office.

Gem

On today's issue of "Those Wonderful American Teenage Shits" we will be relating some of the most hilarious/racist comments the youth of USA have deluged upon us recently! With such hilarious comic gems as "Why don't you go to the dentist you British faggot?" hanging about, it's a wonder some of the more southern states aren't rolling in stand-up comedians. All of these are real.

Gem #1
"Why don't you go suck on a cock you fucking British faggot? We fucking invented the English language and you can't even speak it properly, and you know why? You've got a cock/frog (it was hard to tell which he said) in your mouth the whole time you homos! Fuckin' fags!"


Gem #2
*Referring to the Chinese* "They are an inferior people; smaller stature, narrow shoulders, squinty eyes; they are second-class, just like Finns or Poles, but not as bad as Chechens or Kazaks."





Gem #3
I found this on a forum where I was discussing the amount of damage Bush and his cronies have done to the world. In addition to being a "whiny liberal", he said :
"It's because of people like you we have Bush in power at the moment!"
Damn me. I wish I hadn't voted for the candidate I hate in the country I don't live in while being under the legal age for voting.





Gem #4
"Oh well look who we've got here! A fucking British fag!"
"Another racist, xenophobic American!" - Me
"You shut your mouth you fucking British bitch and you shut it now! You people are all fucking fags!"
"If we are all gay, how come there are still English people?" - Me
*pause*
"You shut your mouth British bitch!"


Gem #5
"Obviously some godly thing made up existence, and it didn't come outta some fat guy's asshole. Atheists come on what the fuck? Just admit that something godly made the universe."
I honestly find it unlikely that the Universe "came out of some fat guy's asshole", I don't think any belief system declares that to be the truth.




Gem #6
"Shut up you British fag, we saved you in World War Two!"
"So?" - Me
"So we saved your fucking asses! Without us you'd be ruled by the fucking French now!"

Perfect

I've noticed a few things about games in the past few weeks when I've been replaying old classics. Firstly, there is one huge gaming cliche I'd never noticed before. What is it with seeing the boss go past you before you fight it? Sound odd?
Twice in Sonic 3, at least once in Lylat Wars, once in Turrican II, and I'm sure there are others I haven't re-noticed yet. Here's my Sonic 3 example I just quickly went and captured, you can see the waterfall boss behind the trees before you fight him.


The boss will just go past you, giving you a hint of what it looks like. It'll always be behind trees/grates/toilets (don't ask) but you won't fight it for another few moments.
Secondly, there have been two noticeable changes in gaming trends.
Change 1 -> Games are shorter. Far, far shorter. Games used to be one long play-through, but now you can simply play the shorter game against but with a different outfit, one that looks slightly different from the first and makes no real difference to gameplay. I preferred the old version with a huge game, personally. Though games like Resident Evil 4 are long enough while also having various outfits, hidden weapons and whatnot.
Change 2 -> What ever happened to the mission based games? I know many of the war-time games are, but the modern classics like F.E.A.R, HL2 and Prey are all continuous narrative. True, Halo 2 is, but I'd still like more mission-based games.

Now we have my proposal for how to create the Ultimate FPS experience.

Halo-life 2 : The Perfect Fear of Prey

What would we have in this game? Well, from each game you can see in the title there would be the best little bit of the game taken, and combined to make something rather good. Every FPS I've ever played I've always spotted something I felt could be improved, and now I think this would be ideal.

From Halo 2 : Take the ease of multiplayer game-finding and the capacity for tricking. Perhaps carry over the Sword, but it would have to find room to fit in among the other weapons I'd bring in from elsewhere. I'd take the level design because where the whole area is built, not just the bits you're supposed to see. I'd leave behind the vast swarms of racist homophobic American bigots though.
From Half-life 1 : This is partly joined with Half-life 2, but I'd take the plot. Because the plot is fantastic. Also, keep with the "In-game Cinematics" - there's something more fun about playing through the 'video' sections rather than being pulled out of the game temporarily. More games need Satchel Charges, so I'd bring them over.
From Half-life 2 : Take the plot, the graphics, and the physics. The physics might have to be tweaked a little to allow for Halo-style tricking. I would most certainly leave the way levels are created, because the second you stray off the straight and narrow things go crazy. Bring the Gravity Gun too.
From Perfect Dark : I'd like to bring a bit of this plot too, but I'm not sure how you could combine it with that of Half-life. Obviously, the main point here would be the weapons. They've still never been beaten. Not even close.
From F.E.A.R : The slow-mo and the blood and gore would be the main two things I want from here. I'd also bring the fact that you can gradually upgrade your health/slow-mo time as the game advances, since that encourages you to search levels more thoroughly.
From Prey : I'd bring two things from here. Firstly, the crazy scale-changing, the wall-walking and the portal stuff. But I'd also bring the "Leech Gun", just because it's a nice concept. For those who don't know, you can find four different wall-mounted thingies around the Dyson Sphere the game takes place in. Each is a different colour, and you can absorb their energy with the Leech Gun. Each different colour makes the gun fire in a different way, be it plasma/ice/electricity/mega beam of death.

And lastly, have secrets. Lots of secrets. Halo 2 had the Scarab Gun, Perfect Dark had the cheese, but there should be more! And, in some cases, they should be tougher to unlock. You should have to do weird and crazy things to find the coolest additions the game can offer, like finding the cheese on the Carrington Institute. For those who aren't interested, stop reading now.

Go down to the hangar and get the hovercrate. Take it all the way back upstairs and jam it in the doors to the weapon training area. Then, go inside, and stand in the firing range door so it can't close. Select the Slayer and Easy mode to give you the longest time. The door will attempt to close, but you're in the way. Then, select Fly-By-Wire mode and shoot. Guide the rocket out the training area doors, down the ramp and outside into the Hoverbike training area. Look up at the sky and go above the door that only opens when the Skedar attack. Turn the rocket around the corner and there you can find a small slab of cheese.

We need more stuff like that. For only a tiny amount of extra programming it gives the game way more life as you try to figure out how to do things.

Outer

Today scientists working in Japan discovered a whole new area of Cyberspace hidden to the public - The Outernet. The Outernet is only used by those who are deemed by the Internet Bureau to be worthy of advancing to the next stage. This only happens when you exceed 9999 XP and "level up" as those bureaucrats call it.
There are many advanatages to using the Outernet as opposed to the internet. Now that their secret is out, they've released a brief brochure explaining what you can do on the Outernet, and how to access it.

How to access the Outernet

You must collect 10,000 XP and level up, as we like to call it. Once this happens you will recieve an e-mail message telling you the URL where you can register your Outernet username and access it. You can then use the superior services the Outernet offers, and be safe in the knowledge there are no viruses yet for it. Alas, it's only a matter of time, so you would do well to purchase our interactive Protective Outernet Device. At only £250, it's an excellent bargain and will keep you secure for days on end! Until someone mugs you.
You collect XP by doing good deeds on the Internet, and also defeating monsters who are a higher level than you.

Reply on a forum : +1 XP
Report a scam email : +5 XP
Use 1337 speak : + 20 XP
Post a comment on a blog : + 30 XP
Help a newbie : + 80 XP
Download a game : + 100 XP
Insult a n00b : + 110 XP
Find a Chaos Emerald : + 160 XP
Defeat Charizard : +200 XP
Play Counterstrike : + 250 XP

However -

Send a scam email : - 500XP
Use 1337 speak too much : - 1,000XP
Google any kind of hentai : - 8,000 XP
Tlk lyk dis : - 99,999 XP

Good luck to everyone hoping to take advantage of the Outernet! To discover your current XP, simply complete this equation and find X (XP) :where f = your IP address, w = your age, n = planets currently recognised in the solar system, b = something or other and c = a random number.

Advantages of the Outernet

The Outernet only has 9% porn and 91% not-porn, the exact opposite of the normal internet. The few adult entertainment sites there are have the advantage of being 100% Spyware free. AOL and Tiscali have been banned from the Outernet, so that's an incentive if nothing else. It is far easier to register a domain name because very few people currently use the Outernet. It is faster and also gives you the warm, fuzzy feeling you get from being a trail-blazer. Forget Internet v2, the Outernet is here! Terms and conditions apply.

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Two things. Firstly, narerl@hotmail.com is the email address I'm using to try and acquire some spam emails. If you have any that are recent, please forward them. Hopefully a bot will notice it here and send me some crap. Why? All will become clear soon.

Secondly, here is a short video for your ocular satisfaction.

Mine

Today's blog entry will be my review of the game already sweeping the world - Minesweeper! The aim of this game is to locate all the mines using cleverly given clues (examples of this include "3" and "1") while ensuring you don't make a wrong move. The clues aren't too intrusive and don't interrupt the flow of the game, which is a relief in this modern day when you can simply look in a mirror to get hints in one particular game.
Despite this potentially-slow premise, it's a rip-roaring game! The adrenaline-filled action will have you on the edge of your seat, never knowing if the next step could be your last! There are three different levels of difficulty, and internet competition for new records is always fierce and competitive. Can you beat the record?
With its crisp and clear graphics, Minesweeper is an ease to use while also being kind on the eye.


At no point do you ever feel the game is going too quickly or too slowly, and the option to restart the game if things get to hard is always easily within reach. The yellow guy with the sunglasses makes a nice sidekick, but he's about as useful as Ashley in Resident Evil 4. IE sunglasses man is useless.
One of my only complaints about this is the lack of save points. Even a typewriter or a weird floaty thing Samus walks into would be something. But luckily each "round" doesn't "last" long so you shouldn't be too "annoyed".
Minesweeper is a fantastic game and will be enjoyed by all fans of the genre. An instant classic. I give it 9541 stars out of 10,000.

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Story of WTF is now (maybe) 100% completed, at least for its first release.

Death

Captain America : An Obituary

A great tragedy has swept the world today. Killer of political and sexual deviants everywhere, Captain American has died today, aged 93 - which happens to be the age Ronald Reagen was when he died. No doubt the two Commie-killers knew each other intimately.
Disturbed by the rise of the Third Reich, young Steven Rogers enlists in the military to help fight the evil Nazis. Unfortunately he is deemed far too sad to join up and instead gets himself injected with some super-secret military toxin which turns him into Captain America. During his fights against the evils of Communism, Nazis and the Japanese. Even as early as his first graphic novel (comic book) appearence we see him punching Hitler in the face while the moronic Nazis miss with every shot despite being at point blank range and attempting to kill a red, white and blue covered pillock.
As we can see from this picture, a groinal bulge often resulted from Captain America's selfless killing of the enemies of America. This became his catchphrase "I just killed you - now I got a hard-on". He used this to his advantage and soon trademarked his special move - "The Thruster". This left a trail of mentally scarred enemies in his wake which soon became the second part of his trademark. During the final battle with his enemy Red Skull, the Nazi weird super-human evil fascist person, he used it so many times in quick succession it left Red Skull practically ripped to shreds by the ferocity of the pelvic thrusting. The downside of this was that it left our hero so exhausted he had to use the Mega Crystal of Cytllllauk to regain his manly powers.
One particular fan-favourite among the young sexually confused American boys who read his comics was the episode entitled "Attack on the March," where Captain America and his blindly partiotic allies attack a Gay Pride march and beat everyone to death.
We now relate the last interview Captain America ever did in public before his untimely death. He was suffering tragically from Alzheimers at the time.

Captain America Remembers

Interviewer : "What did you like most about being a superhero?"
Captain America : "Well...hrmm..."
I : "Superhero. Remember?"
CA : "Oh, oh yes. Killing the Communists..."
I : "Really?"
CA : "And the Japanese. Nazis were pretty...uh...fun too."
I : "I see."
CA : "With their funny little swastikas."
I : "Any particular memories?"
CA : "The thrusting."
I : "It became something of your trademark, didn't it?"
CA : "Why, it sure did Johnny!"
I : "Name's Brian."
CA : "Well Bill, I can remember my thrusting inspired a whole generation. Just like kids now spout stupid phrases from that Tiny England whatsit, there were kids in playgrounds going round thrusting all over the place."
I : "Would you say that was a good thing? You saved the youth of America?"
CA : "Without a doubt. If it wasn't for me they might all be Communists by now."

Worry

They say 91% of all internet usage is porn. But porn can span a huge wide range of things, going from the benign and the bizarre to the illegal and the unnatural.
Recently moronic AOL released 3 months of search logs - by accident of course. There were about 3 million searches done on their software in that period. Clearly I could never go through all of these, but a quick scan unveils some rather colourful characters. Here for your perusal are parts of the search logs of four such people who I wouldn't want to meet in an alley. Or anywhere for that matter.

WARNING : These WILL offend some people. Continue at your own risk.

That said, let us now laugh at the sick and twisted denizens of our world! On the left is their anonymous AOL ID whatsit, the middle is the search term, and the right is the date.

100906 is a health upstanding religious man. I particularly like the last search.

2296327 has an interesting personality.

5045312 needs to see every kind of doctor there is.

562646 defies all captions.

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Apologies for the short entry, I'm working on 3 other new features AND the Story of WTF while also trying to beat Steam into submission.

History

We are lied to about a whole lot on a daily basis. Facts that we take for granted cover up the less-than-savoury truth. Today, we lift the viel of lies! Lies, deceit and subterfuge!

• The Pyramids at Gaza were originally built upside down. This left several huge pyramidal holes in the Gaza desert. After they were quickly filled in by the movement of sand, leaving no trace of what thousands of slaves had died for, they decided to build them above ground on the second try.
  

• New information that has come to light has finally proven once and for all that the moon landings were faked. Pictures released prove it was filmed in a studio, the moon soil was nothing but dyed sand, and the American flag did wave because someone accidentally turned on the wind tunnel part way through.
  

The Moon Landing team fooling about on set.

• George "Duyba" Bush is not actually as stupid as everyone thinks. He has an estimated IQ of 175 and works in several laboratories around the world when not leading the most powerful country on Earth. He has been part of many major discoveries, including the invention of the telephone.

• At the battle of Hastings, King Harold was not in fact killed by an arrow to the eye. In reality, the arrow hit him in the leg. He fell off his horse, staggered around a bit, tripped up and landed in a ditch. Several horses thundered over him, pulverising his near-dead body before a dislodged tree crushed him. This was deemed to be too embarassing an end to admit to. After all, everyone knows the weak point of any Boss/King is the eye.

• Pandas are not nearly extinct. They just don't like being in the public eye. Most of them hide in great settlements beneath ground where bamboo is carefully grown in biospheres.

• Queen Victoria did not refuse to be believe lesbians exist. As one might have guessed she was in fact a lesbian herself and didn't want to fall foul of her own laws. The elaborate display of dismissal and disbelief she put on frightened away her lover and resulted in over a decade of depression.

• The entire country of Senegal is a hologram.

• New research has found that the most advanced creature on Earth is not the human, the dolphin nor the cockroach. It is the shy and apparently-lethargic Sloth. Sloths have been proven as the most advanced society because they have close-knit family groups, share the work, and spend the vast majority of their time doing bugger-all.
  

The most advanced creature in the world.

• Many people believe snails to be one of the slowest creatures on the planet. Nothing could actually be further from the truth. When humans are not looking they often host 100m sprint races, and hold the record of 8.23 seconds, comprehensively beating the record held by both Asafa Powell and Justin Gatlin of the homo sapiens. Snails are trained from a young age to compete, and many of the slimy Gastropods consider beating 10 seconds a rite of passage.

• The Eiffel Tower in Paris was not originally meant to be the size it is today. Originally intended to be an ornamental pepperpot, one of the foolish engineers added considerably too many zeroes to the sizes of the parts. When it all arrived, they discovered the company they bought them off had gone bankrupt, stopping them from returning the parts. The only way forward was to assemble it anyway and see what happened.
  

Wing

One of the more horrible anime things to come out of Japan is "Gundam Wing". This is generally found on the shittier cartoon channels like Cartoon Network late at night because they need something to fill up the gaps between Rugrats movies.
As far as I understand it, it's set in the future (isn't everything these days?) and there are some good humans and some bad humans. For some reason, they've all decided it would be an efficient method of combat to use huge robot walkers. Haven't they ever seen The Empire Strikes Back? All you need is a single saviour and some rope and you're buggered. But maybe to counter this there are no ground troops any longer? They've been replaced by those little silver robots you can buy for children! Anything is possible in the crazy world of Gundam Wing!
Also, why do most Japanese cartoons seem to be built not from colour, lines and repeating backgrounds like most cartoons, but from 100% pure strobe light? Perhaps Japanese TV is some sick form of artificial selection to remove those who have epilepsy from the gene pool. Seems a rather cruel way to go about it.
Every single thing flashes, including things that just shouldn't flash. Some of the flashing things are just wrong. Flashing should only be used to highlight something of interest, not to simply denote everything on screen at once. There is so much random action it's like some really bad action movie that tries to be really cool but fails. Not mentioning any names here, especially not Time Bandits.
Time Bandits. You know, that film with the Dwarfs in the room and the giant blue face attacks them, and they flee, and then they meet Robin Hood, and then suddenly they're sailing in the desert and the desert falls apart, then they meet people with goat heads, and lasers, and the lasers kill the goat men?
Anyway.
I can't hate but wonder what particular group Gundam Wing is supposed to appeal to. I honestly can't think of any niche in society this program would appeal to except for the Robot-Bisexual-Molestation-Paedophile-Crotch-Weird society. If such a thing exists, then obviously Gundam Wing has a second purpose other than causing me such ocular woe.
Here we have the homoerotic Gundam Wing boys (and possibly girl) in tight-fitting pants about to be molested by giant robot hands of DOOM. Alas, they lack a token black guy! What is the world coming to?

Seriously, look at their trousers/short shorts. I hate short shorts. Is Gundam Wing slowly evolving into another bizarre cartoon porn franchise? Are the tight-fitting shorts simply the first step to showing the public they aren't all hung like Action Man?
Finally, the ending sequence from the awful flashing game of flashing action flash. The final weird guy honestly doesn't change posture once in the entire thing. This guy no doubt has an English accent, lives in a mansion and is probably a registered sex offender or something.

I hate Gundam Wing.

Hitman

Today I attended the Annual Hitman's Festival & AGM in [edited out]. It was a sombre affair, attended by those from all over the world who's affairs deal in death. I've copied down the timetable below, but I've been forced to edit out some of the more revealing bits to preserve the anonymity of the event.

9:00 - All assemble at the [edited out] car park. IDs given out and intruders inhumed. All attendees should bring their own packed lunches and drinks.
9:20 - Coaches depart for the main festival at [edited out]. All participants will be blindfolded so they don't know where they are heading. Even the coach drivers will, but we hire the best psychics in [edited out] so there is nothing to be worried about.
10:30 - Hopefully arrive at [edited out] for the main festival. There will be various attractions including the hoopla and shoot a duck. No children under 6 should be allowed to use the automatic weapons unsupervised.
11:00 onwards - Weapon demonstrations. Each day the number of countries we get representatives from grows, and their skills are certainly diverse. There has been a little confusion but we are hoping to host a shoot-out between two rival gangs this year, weather permitting. Don't worry - the nearby morgue has been alerted to take care of the corpses.
12:00 - The "Assassin Ride" opens a few minutes walk away at [edited out]. This takes you through the noble history of the assassin from Romanus Assassinus, recognised as the first real assassin, to such modern-day legends as Il Assassino.
1:30 - AGM begins in the main building. Guards will be posted at all entrances and full cavity searches may be required. Snipers are posted on all relevant rooftops (even though we are in the middle of nowhere!) and snacks will be provided inside.
5:00 - For the next half hour after 5pm you will be able to talk to some of your heroes as they take questions after the AGM. Disclaimer : Number of assassins after AGM may be lower than numbers of assassins before AGM. It's a dangerous business.
7:00 - Packing up. All attendees are asked to help but it isn't required (if you have to get away, don't worry!). There is generally a lot of litter, waste and blood around by this time and the local authority at [edited out] only let us have the site knowing we clear it up. Hope to see you all next year!

I've now got a couple of the pictures I took while I was there :

David Beckham - among other celebrities - takes some time out to show us the part of his past perhaps not so readily accepted by most people. It's a closely guarded secret of the Beckham clan that the moronic footballer was a hitman for many years. It was reassuring to know that he still hadn't lost his skills and demonstrated his prowess by killing some people living on trailer parks nearby.
A particular fan of the Desert Eagle, Beckham is still as deadly as he was all those years ago. Instead of wearing the usual white-trash sleeveless shirts and sports crap he normally does, it was refreshing to see the all-star celebrity make a real effort and come wearing his old suit. It's the little touches that make all the difference.


The infamous "Duck Pond", where anyone from 6 and above could take part. There was a nice variety of weapons there ranging from pistols like the Glock, a few Uzis, and massive machines of destruction like the M4 machine gun. You had to pay a small amount to the running of the stall, repair of bullet holes and the cost of the actual bullets themselves, but it was definitely worth it! They were no longer using real ducks this year after complaints from an animal rights group - I initiated the complaint, but don't tell them that!


The logo is obscured for privacy reasons on that picture. Anyway, this was my only real complaint about the day - the journey there. Don't get me wrong, the coaches were fine and comfortable and all, and one certainly felt safe in the presence of men who have quenched their natural human thirst for BLOOD! Nevertheless, the blindfolded drivers could done their job better. During the journey, I felt us go down a hill faster than I think you should on a road, we crashed through something which might have been a road block, and even seemed to hurl through mid-air at once point. Near the end of the journey there was another crash and I heard the screams of someone clinging to the side of the bus. A moment later his voice vanished and there was a bump under the backwheel.
The food was good though.

Despite their thirst for blood and the living of the high-life, the assassins are generally a nice bunch and I think I got along with them splendidly. Hope to go again next year!

Coincidence

Let's just take a brief recap of the 9th and 10th of August.

The 9th - John Reid says that in the short term we might need to sacrifice some of our liberties for increased security in the long term. Let's say we sacrifice liberties for two months - how will that guard us for four months? Surely after the two months of liberty sacrificing comes to an end, we're back at stage one where nasty people can attack our liberties again! Badly thought through I feel.
People didn't take very kindly to this moron's suggestions, presumably because it had been a while since the July bombings. To be honest, even if it was one day after I wouldn't have put his views higher than those of a pubic louse, but maybe others would. Nevertheless, people didn't seem enthausiastic.

The 10th - We have this 10/12 plane mega-bomb scare thing. A single day after people rejected his liberty-removing plans. Forums light up with support for his plans - if sacrificing liberties mean saving 3000 people on planes (this many people die EVERY DAY from normal accidents, by the way) then of course we should do it. Sacrifice more liberties, I mean. We've lost enough as it is.

I'm not going to use the classic conspiracy catchphrase "I find this a little convinient", but, well, I do. I've stopped using this phrase because of a single post I say on a forum a few days ago which I will mention in a moment. But this does seem a little con-...er...useful for John Reid. That'll do. Whether or not the bombers succeeded - if there actually is a bombing plot anyway - the effect would've been the same. Renewed support for the government trying desperately to cope in the wave of evil nasty terrorists. Because, of course, our military doesn't kill innocents. Not one bit.

The post I mentioned was on a board about the End of days, Second coming, whatever you want to call that particular religious belief. One thread said that the current war in the Middle East was the start of the end of the world. And someone posted "I notice it's exactly 40 days from today since this conflict started. I find that a little convinient."
MORON! I hope everyone sees what an indescribably stupid thing to say this is. Oh! It just happens to be 40 days since 40 days ago! How unlikely! This must show supernatural intervention.

So what does everyone think about this current terror alert? Personally I'm not sure what to think. Either it's a load of balls, or it's true but they timed the release of the information to perfection.

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On today's happier side note, I have recently purchased a pig lighter.

It's just so damned fantastic!

You pull back it's hat and then-


Also, the "Story of WTF" is coming along nicely. Around 90% is uploaded, 250 pages, and all illustrations are now live.

Tail

Today we discuss the film "An American Tail", the last word hilariously changed because it's all about mice with oversized hats and vaguely neurotic cats who spend most of the film trying to feel up the mice, or doing such "hilarious" things as getting stuck in a hole because he's fat. Har-de-har. That one made me piss myself I must confess.


As far as I can understand, the general outline of this film is some random semi-Jewish mice come to America (the land of opportunity, the free, tax cuts, etc), meet some random "Injuns", claim that they own America as oppose to the Native Americans there before them, have a random sing-song about cheese sex or some shit and then everyone lives happily ever after. A few key scenes will be related below for your perusal.

"The Cat"
This is one of the early scenes when the big orange mongrel thing proves he won't eat any mice because he has a heart of gold. Naturally this is an incredibly touching scene and I must confess a tear slipped from my eye when I saw it. Moments later some more pro-American propaganda floods the screen, some nonsense about "Escaping the death camps to come here" or something. Who really cares?

"The Catchphrase"
This one is so hilarious I'm having laughing spasms just writing about it. At one stage while the mice as discussing things, one fat old mouse says "Don't complicate things Anna" to a small female mouse. Moments later after some more pointless babblings about the map that might lead to the Treasure of Wealth + 2, all the mice say "Don't complicate things Anna" at the same time to the small mouse. Get it? It's funny because they all say it at the same time! Classic stuff.

"The Crayons of Death"
We are later treated to a mural on a wall near the camp of "those pesky Injuns". The clever mouse (you can tell he's clever because he wears glasses) says the mural shows a great cataclysm, but it doesn't appear to display anything but the crayons of death. And some people shitting themselves over aformentioned crayon. What dull stuff. I come up with better cataclysms in my sleep.

"The Attack of Crabmouse"
There is a mouse/spy evil nasty character called Scuttlebug or Scuttlebutt or Buttlescut or Buttscat or something. Anyway, at once point while they're camping with the "pesky Injuns" he scuttles away to one side, earning him the name Crabmouse! He then goes to have a bite to eat or something devious like evil spies always do.

"Your Art sux"
Later, one of the "Indian mice" (NATIVE AMERICAN, Indians are from India) shows the mouse with the big stupid hat their greatest treasure, some random scribblings on a piece of paper. Now I - and I'm sure most other people - have seen Native American art (I rather like it), and this is such an insult to it. Well, the entire freaking film is insult after insult to the Native American people, especially such heart-warming lines as "this is our country, not yours!" and "IT'S INJUN HUNTIN' TIME! YEE-HAW!".
The last one may have been made up. The small mouse then cries after seeing the "artwork", presumably because it was so shit. Or he was having one of the few emotional moments in the film. Who cares?

"The Cheese-O-Lution"
I named this scene such because it's a revolution - about cheese! Those crazy mice. The nasty mice (one of whom looks like a rodent Willy Wonka) get all the factory workers all into a crazed innocent-beating frenzy! "Find that Injun!" was repeated a lot during this scene. The fat mouse called Mouse-O-Shitz or something moans this is worse than Russia, even though that has nothing to do with the film. He then proceeds to stuff himself full of food.

"Howling at the moon"
Mouse-O-Shitz looks up at the moon and says "give us a sign that you're still there, say something!". It's the moon. I think you'd notice if it went. Also, since it's the moon, it can't talk. Moron.

"The Final Insult Pt 1"
Some stupid fool shouts that the "nasty Injuns" are going to attack their settlement and destroy their way of life. Yes, because that's historically accurate, isn't it? I can't think of a single instance when the American settlers destroyed Native American culture...
Moments later the mob charges off to attack the underground settlement, which is absurb in itself because despite being underground, it's perfectly bright without a flaming torch in sight. It's these little things that make the movie even shitter than it already is.

"MOB CHARGE!"
As the mob charges off, some fat policemen hand them flaming torches. That's not how you do it! Mobs bring their own torches! I give this scene a score of 2/10, because I thought the acting of one of the mice extras wasn't quite up to standard.

"Attack of the Mouse Rapist"
As the evil policeman/world-class sumo Ballface or whatever his name was leads the charge against the "evil Injuns", he pauses for a moment and sniffs the air before declaring he "loves that smell." The only other thing in the picture at that moment is the backside of one of his companions. Oh god.

"Attack Formation"
The evil police mice form up into their "attack formation" which seemed to consist of having one mouse in front and the others ram him from behind. Family entertainment at its best.

"The River of Faeces"
Near the end a coffee-grinder/high-power explosive explodes and floods the caves with water/concrete. This all seems perfectly logical and the mice leap onto the side of the walls to survive the impending destruction. Shortly after the water levels recede a little and for some reason the river instantly turns brown.

"Fruit Fight"
When the evil policemen/rapists reach the "Injun camp", the Native American mice have two options to defend themselves. They could either use weapons, you know, that actually might win the battle, or they could use fruit. Naturally they choose fruit, and for some reason being gently pelted with tomatoes makes the hardened cops from such films as "Mouse Police Brutality 9" retreat. Cowards. The day is saved!

"The Final Insult Pt 2"
In the final scene we see the lead mouse child pleasuring himself with a telescope.

Sorry that's so long, but there are so many damned oodles of crap in that film I had to do justice to them all.

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A quick announcement - we're currently playtesting "The Story of WTF", an interactive text-based game with bosses, NPCs, co-op partners and checkpoints! It'll be up on the blog soon-ish.

Lost

For those of you who watch this outstanding televisional extravaganza, I have managed to acquire the story lines to ALL the remains episodes of Lost! No longer will you have to wade through five more series of bizarre and somewhat supernatural events - read this and all your questions will be answered!

The Hatch : This was made as a combined project by Hitler and Jack Straw during the Sixteenth Punic War in 1995. The man you see on the video early in Series 2 is infact an elaborate puppet, rigged up by the leader of the Third Reich to fool passers-by. Also, Dharma is an acronym of Madhar, which was Hitler's high-school nickname because of the crazy way he laughs. This was a clue fans picked up on early but the creators try to play down until it becomes too obvious they are doing so. The Hatch was made to test out a new breed of Super Gibbon-Hippos which Hitler hoped could defeat the Evil Space Aliens and win the war. He did, but then the hatch was abandoned for tax reasons. The food was there because Jack Straw likes midnight feasts.

The Monster : The Monster is infact the Governor of Ursulon 5, and is nothing but a misunderstood visitor to our little planet. He/she/it fell to our planet when an American Aerospace "Defence" system shot down the Ursulon spacecraft. The creature can use its ninja skills of Agility + 4 to evade attacks and rip trees from the floor. During its first 11,347 years on Earth it hollowed out much of the island to provide spacious living quarters for itself and the weird offspring that it was brooding at the time. The developers have left this open for "Lost 2" where the misunderstood Ursulons attack New York. Also, it has the power to open jam jars without using any hands.

The Others : It turns out in the end that these people had moved to the island to avoid being thrown off their cabbage patch in Texas for being "dangerously inbred". In Series 4 the viewers were going to discover this fact. To make up for the fact that this removed much of the program's mystery, Charlie would turn out to be pregnant in a surprise twist later in the episode. It is never fully explained how this happens because it is anatomically impossible. The Others use fake beards to make themselves look older and wiser than they actually are because they are very insecure. Also, they were after Claire's baby because a radiation leak in nearby Nevada made the entire population of Texas infertile. Alas, it is only fiction.

The Miracles : Near the end of Series 6, between the Episodes where Danielle turns out to be a rabbit in a suit and the island is bought by a farming company, it all becomes clear how such unlikely events happened. Sun got pregnant because Jin has a second penis he doesn't know about himself and Jack saved his wife's life because he was lying about her "incurable" injuries. It happened to be the 1st of April that day and he thought it would be funny. What a prick. Lastly, in Series 3 there is another "miracle" which is Locke growing hair. This is merely a wig which is the final great revelation at the end of Series 7.

The Numbers : Are they related? Is it just coincidence that Hurley's 6 lottery numbers are the same numbers on the side of the hatch, and those happen to add up to the number the timer counts down? Unfortunately, it is. From notes scribbled on the side of later scripts it seemed that after putting in this great mystery, they were unable to explain it. Also, the timer in the hatch does nothing. It was put there as a joke by Desmond's ex-girlfriend (Jack Straw's sister) to keep Desmond out of the way for a few days. She didn't realise he was a bit of twit and would keep pressing the damned thing constantly. In Series 6, when they leave the switch by accident (Episode title - "You Stupid Fool"), the Egyptian Symbols displayed merely prompt a light and colour display about Ancient Egyptian Mythology from a projector concealed in a wall.

That Henry Bloke : He's a balloonist. Sorry. However, he was once arrested for speeding. In NEW JERSEY, not Minnesota. The lying bastard.

The Conclusion : Two more of the survivors die. Sawyer dies but returns to life as a consciousness within the Ursulon Governor (later he is found a new body sewn together from a panda and a walnut) while Locke gets even weirder and believes he can fly. This was not true. They eventually make a pact with the Texan inbreds, flying alien spawn and Hitler's hidden son (Series 5 - Episode Title "Johnny Hitler") to make their way off the island to safely, one second before the MEGA DOOM 3000 explodes and destroys it. While sailing back to the mainland it takes an upsettingly long time for someone to realise they left the Governor behind, but no-one seems to care.

Art

Today we ask the ultimate question - what is Art?
Recently I went Sudeley Castle. I wouldn't go to their website, it is hideous. Looks like they left one of those oscillating duck things on the desk to just see what random keys it would press and how things would turn out. Anyway, as well as the castle itself and the Pheasantry, which was all nice and good, (the Pheasant is pretty close to the Grouse...) the gardens were littered with sculptures and various bits of "artwork". Some of this I would deem to be proper art, but some of it was little more than either a morbid fascination with death, or a suspended egg.

The Good
The gothic dumper truck was cool. For some reason we were allowed to have a much closer look than everyone else who was kept back (they might have mistaken us for someone else...). It was made from some metal of some sort and just looked amazing. I would consider that art because it has a clear concept, required a lot of work and you're actually interested in it once it's been completed.
The "Happily Ever After" thing which I'll upload later was also good, but for today we'll concentrate on my favourite, called "Event Horizon." As you can see from the video below, this was a swirly air vortex whatsit in a jar of water. Although I liked it, is it really art? Surely it's much more in the realm of technology...




The Bad
In one room there was just a giant lightbulb. Just that. It wasn't even on or anything. I mean, what's that all about?
There was also one "sculpture" which was little more than a bunch of balloons tied with rope above a Carp Pond. No matter how much you can stretch the boundaries of "Art" against "Tripe", I serioulsy don't think this is art. It's just some balloons for goodness sake.


The Odd
Taxidermy. What the hell is the fascination with that? It's just damned creepy. There was one exhibit with a stuffed rabbit, fox and some other poor creature dressed up to look stupid. I swiftly burnt the place down. Horrible.

There you go, some food for thought and a cool bird. Which of these do you think are art then?

Guest

I've decided to inject some creative talent into dying arm of this blog using the clean syringe of inspiration. Our first guest speaker is none other than the esteemed and famous writer, author of such under-rated classics as "Anime Love 9" - Angus Wellington. You can see a picture of him below - note, it's black and white because he refuses to "use any of that modern colour crap".

Via a series of complex puppet shows I've managed to persuade him to share with us the first paragraphs from some of his upcoming novels, sure to become classics in our time. However, he insisted I issue a disclaimer. At least, I think that's what he meant, he kept pausing every few seconds to lick paint off a stick. Nevertheless, it apparently goes something like this :
Warning : These stories are not for the weak of heart, or those soon having a transplant. Or those offering organs for transplant because it might destroy said organs.

With that out of the way, we can bask in his literary genius! Beneath each entry is a note from the author himself!


"Destiny"
Between an intersection of two motorways, beneath a pavement, in a place not touched by civilization since the dawn of time sat a small patch of lichen, alone in the darkness. Nobody cared for it; it had no healthcare and no benefit plan. But this is what our story revolves around – the challenges of the little people who don't have a hope. Like a rock left untouched by the waves of time from the sea of eternity, the lichen didn't have any of the social training we normally have. But nevertheless, as you will soon read, the life of a lichen can be fascinating and philosophical too.

Author's Note : With this piece I tried to convey the tragedy and loneliness of the life the common lichen suffers. I hope to be nominated for the Booker Prize next year, but the judges are generally fatuous morons who will vote for a book simply because it is "Interesting", "Moving" or "Not Shit". Philistines.


"Aura"
There was a change in the air, subtlety detectable as Gildersleeve walked through the botanical garden. It had only been a week since he had burnt all his family on the pyre, but the ash could still be smelt. He savoured it, thinking back to the dreams he had when Mr Bunny tried to tell him that the End of Days was nigh. Taking a moment to listen carefully for the slightest signs that told him Spring was approaching, he heard a crunch of footsteps on the courtyard gravel. Gildersleeve began loading his shotgun. It was time to do Momma proud.

Author's Note : I'm hoping this could win the Whitbread Book award. I think it's a powerful piece that conveys a lot of different emotions. Admittedly when I brought my book to the attention of the judges they dismissed it as "the ramblings of someone with the literary talent and emotional depth of a braindead chicken", but I'm sure they'll come round.


"Transcendence into Ecstasy."
As Bill embraced Petunia, she felt all her problems in the world fading away. She was carried away on a wave of ecstasy as a tsunami of joy engulfed her. The hurricane of love whirled around her as the minor tropical storm of desire fought its way to the front of her mind. Then they had sex.

Author's Note : This is probably my best chance for the National Book Award this year. It deals with some very complex issues in a mature and non-conformist way, and I think it's very challenging. Some critics have called it "Bollocks", and I'm glad to see they understand one of the difficult topics it tackles.


"My Life : A Life of a Trailblazer : The Angus Wellington Life"
Grandaddy was a big influence in my life. Having made his riches as a Scart Cable tycoon, he retired to live out his days reading pornographic magazines. Until he died from Intestinal Worms, he was my role model. Even when he threw away my entire Gundam Wing comic collection (included the Limited Edition one) I wasn't angry, because I was sure Grandaddy always knew best. But now I'm alone in the world, and I didn't know where to go. Forced to move out of Grandaddy's house at the young age of 51 when the Repo people came round, I found myself on the streets.

Author's Note : I've been trying to get this one in for the Commonwealth Writer's prize since I feel it removes the boundaries between difference cultures. Alas, they seem to feel different, calling it "a waste of good Trees", whatever the hell THAT's supposed to mean. Idiots.


So there you have it, some stunning upcoming works I'm sure you'll all be looking out for in the shops. Some time in the future, would you like Angus to return to share with us some more of his poetic majesty?

Posse

Fo' shizzle ma' nizzles? I'm makin' dis blog to make a big shout out to all da homies who are makin' dis blog possible. I has made us a banna' below, and I got a lil profile fo' all of yous. Feel free ta use dis banner wherever ya want ma homies, assumin' ya got no pride 'n stuffs. Da Blog Krew, da banner wit all thingz gangsta!


Now I'm going to stop talking like a gangsta and talk properly, mainly because it is surprisingly hard to type like that. Now will follow thanks and appreciation for those three who make the blog possible.

MKZRJ.
Yes, it's the man with the unpronouncable initials! Me! I do all most of the posts and image editing on the site, and I'm responsible for roughly a little over half the taglines. Although I'm currently looking for people both to be guest speakers, and possibly chip in to allow me to have different features on some days. I'm still figuring out how this'll work, so keep with me.



Mr T. Spurling.
The Lord of PHP - that's what it says on his contact card at least. I owe mega thanks to him for making the taglines work, both the standard ones, the tagline editor even a programming-fool like me can use, and the three hidden taglines, all of which have different ways of finding them. He also fiddled around a little and made the blog bright pink for a few brief moments, but luckily nothing bad come of that. So thanks cubed go Mr T. That is, not the insane Mr T. The programmer Mr T.


Tomzorz.
In between teleporting around, freeing Gordon Freeman from statis and being pushed backwards by purple Vortigaunts, Tomzorz helps me with some of the ideas of the blog, and also often proof-reading this and that. The occassional image is also down to him, such as CJ having a crap and the FEAR particle gun. Lovely.






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I've noticed some fuckhead's automated bot is once again trawling the back entries of this blog. If you notice some pointless comment posted by "Anonymous" a couple dozen entries back which says "This site is excellent with superb graphics" or "One of the very best, I'll be checking back soon" or something (with odd English and grammar sometimes), with a link to a strange site? Don't click it. I've deleted them all at the moment but they may come back. I'm in the process of finding out where the creator of this thing lives and hiring a team of men to systematically destroy everything he holds dear. Then kill him, bury his stupid worthless corpse in a hole, and fire that hole into the flaming core of the SUN!!!!
I'll keep you updated.
Also, I was so fucking PISSED OFF at some cheating scumfucks on XBL this morning, I decided to do this.

Decade

I recently read an article in the Guardian about predictions for the next ten years. This specifically related to the aftermath of the "Middle East Crisis", but I think it could be applied for various other things. So here are my predictions for the next ten years. That's from now until 2016 if you couldn't work that one out. If that is the case, please leave. There is nothing for you here.

The NHS.
The NHS leadership is currently going through a series of transitions, from Halfwit -> Fuckwit -> Hewitt. I don't think it can possibly get any worse, so it's bound to go uphill. Or maybe, under New Labour or the Tories we might change to the stunning American system - because ofcourse the poor aren't worthy of healthcare. Sometimes in the UK we forget that the rich are more important to keep alive than the poor. Silly Brits.

The Middle East.
Well, I read one suggestion that Hilary Clinton will win the next election, she'll bomb Natanz, everything will go crap, doomsday will be upon us, the Americans will go and attack everyone like they do against all foreigners and homosexuals, then...
Getting a little CJ deja vu from that picture of her.

What do I actually think? Well, it'll go down one of two roads :
A) The Israeli war machine will continue to kill everything, America and Britain will stand by/watch/help, they'll establish another regime in south Lebanon, and everything will be shit. This is the more likely.
B) They'll be an international outcry from those whose sisters and mothers aren't the same people, and Israel will pull out. Also, Britney Spears will become President and Mel Gibson will stop making obscure religious films.

The Environment
We're screwed.

Governments
Three points of mention here - England, the USA, and Cuba. Yes, Cuba.
England : When Tony Blair eventually realises we all hate him and he's going insane (seriously, look at a recent picture of him. He looks like that serial killer bloke with the crazy head), he might step down and let Gordon Brown take over. Unfortunately, because public opinion sees that Labour are no better than the Tories, if indeed worse now, the next election might see the Conservatives return to power. Not good.
USA : When George Bush is forced to leave after his first non-illegal term of office, we'll be split between two equally crap candidates. The Republican one, on account of being Republican will be another warmongering fool no doubt, but so will Hilary Clinton. One prediction had her bombing Iran rather than Bush. Either way, the next 4 years don't look much better.
Cuba : Incredible arrogance. The US government claims to be bravely "standing by" to "help" Cuba into a democracy. It seems to me Cuba has improved under a single party state - better health-care and education that much of the US. That is to say, fingers are not required for mathematics. I just hope Cuba can hold onto what makes it what it currently is.

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It has come to my attention that some people thought the previous advert was real. I will never, ever put adverts on this site. I would much rather people continue to enjoy my blog than I make some meagre amounts of money from a site linking to products from some dubious company in eastern Europe.
I was sure the quote "I've always wanted to fly around the world in a roast chicken anus" should have persuaded people it was not real, but apparently not. Strange folk.
Also, I've been informed that I've been a bit of a cretin when it comes to image hosting. For any of you on rubbish connections, I apologise.

Change

It's recently come to my attention that I can make lots of money by placing adverts on the blog. Thus, starting from today, I am limiting my entries to just two sentences to make room for the adverts!

Engine

Today I managed to save the world's fuel crisis.
My logic is very difficult to follow however, and I attempted to use a visual medium to convey my brilliant plans. Unfortunately, it was so complex that Paint overloaded and has subsequently uninstalled itself from my computer. Thus, I shall now relate to you my logic via a "Textual Interactive Communication System", or Tics. However, I would warn you to consult a doctor if your eyes begin to melt from the sheer volume of brilliance.
1) When toast is buttered, it is very loud. The means (if anything we've been taught in science is right) that the toast is losing some energy as sound.
2) Therefore, we can create what I call the "Perpetual Toast Engine." I can see in a few years everything being powered by this, and oil companies going out of business.
3) Take an ordinary piece, and butter it. But keep buttering it, and buttering it, and buttering it. Eventually, so much energy will have been lost from the loud noise it makes that toast will have what I call a "Negative Energy Index Something Somethingy".
4) Now create the rest of the parts of a normal engine, like the exhaust pipe and stuff.
5) Insert the "NEISS" toast into the engine and connect some wires to it. Then start the engine. The toast will now act as a "Negative Energy Confluxication Device" and draw energy into it from the surroundings. However - and this is the clever part - because the engine instantly draws on the energy entering the toast, it will keep drawing in more energy from the surroundings. Thus, a "Perputual Loop System" is created, supplying the engine with infinite energy from nothing more than the surroundings.
I am free at weekends to collect my Nobel Prize.

However, while thinking ahead, I have realised a few potential problems. If we used this for everything, then eventually we would run out of energy. This would result in the entire planet being turned into a giant freezer, which - while useful for food storage - but hinder other vital things, such as living.

Here is an artist's impression.



This is the dawning of a new age! Also, the blog is soon going to have a big change in the next few days.

Wrap

We now - tragically - come to the end of Gaming Week. Since I don't have a main blog entry to do today, I'm going to mention a whole bunch of little things which should combine like a Mega TransformerZord 2000 and become greater than the sum of their parts, while also kicking evil. With a wholesome American accent.

The other day after my blog entry about wonderful Retro, I decided to have a gander around my game boxes for the Commodore and Spectrum. The wave of nostalgia was so powerful it dented the walls and now I have to pay for them, which I think is a little unfair. Nevertheless, it has encouraged me to start playing them again. Phrases like :
"Wow! It's that!"
"Oh, I remember that game! That was so good!"
Came up rather often while I was going through them. And I un-earthed some old classics :
Potty Pigeon, for the Electron. I love that game! You play - shockingly - as a pigeon, and you fly around dropping eggs on stuff and collecting worms.
Saboteur! Beach Head! Turrican! Fernandez Must Die! Spyhunter! Gauntlet! Kung Fu Master! (never could beat those killer bees...) Express Raider! Green Beret! So many fantastic games, and so many happy memories. I even found the game I started...
Ah.

Next, we have a small vid I took of the crashing Gunship in E1.


Next, we move onto the hardest game ever. Toonstruck, for the PC. To keep things brief, let me give you an example of what you had to do in this semi-free-roaming game. Take a stuffed cat. Glue two piano keys to its mouth as teeth. Glue candy-floss to its back as a tail. Then insert jumping beans. Leave aforementioned monstrosity outside a squirrel's house. The squirrel comes out, falls in love with the "fake squirrel thing" and runs off, allowing you to steal his nuts. As it were. Not...in the other sense. That would surely earn it an 18-rating.

Worst game ever is Elf : The Movie : The Game. Apparently "So bad it's good because you're laughing at how bad it is."

Next, E3 is going! This is a tragically undoubtably up there with that time I lost a house. I do actually think this is a bad idea, mainly because it now means I will never go. Which sucks.

And last - but certainly not least - a brief mention of my favourite magician/asshole. True, this has nothing to do with gaming, but it is amusing nonetheless. It has just come to my attention that David Blaine is attempting a new stunt! As many of you will know, I am a big fan of this vacuous ignoramous, and I was over-joyed to hear he would be "hanging from below Brooklyn Bridge for as long as he could". Alas, it did not involve a noose.

Five

We move on from Retro games and the history of Grand Theft Auto to now cover newly coming games. I'm going to comment on five I'm looking forward to most, but also mention a few others that didn't make it, either because A : I don't like them, or B : I forgot them.
1 ) Resident Evil 5.
True, I'd never played a Resident Evil game until Resi 4 on the GC (best third-person shooter ever, but then it only has Tomb Raider to compete with). But I'm now totally hooked. Four was an excellent combination of horror, puzzles, shooting and some creativity interesting/bizarre/freakish enemies. Resident Evil 5 promises fast zombies like Half-life 2 has, but also rather good graphics. This should rock. Unless EA take it over.

2 ) Halo 3.
Bungie claim this is the end of the current story arc, and promise lots of new features. Halo 3 would be perfect if it was simply Halo 2 with online 4-player Co-op and maybe Pelicans/Phantoms you can drive. That would be quite cool. Ones you can drive and get it without using the Metropolis glitch I mean. But this is one of the 3 games that have made me decide on the 360 rather than the Revolution (NOT THE WII) as my next-gen console. Poor Nintendo. I'll miss them.

3 ) GTA IV.
See the previous blog entry. If you ignore all the fake screenshots of well-endowed women swinging maces (how could anyone POSSIBLY believe this?) it should be good. Just a mere 30 improvements then.

4 ) C & C 3 : Tiberium Wars
FINALLY! Another GDI/NOD game, and it's about time. The original C & C 95 is still a classic, and we've been waiting since bizarre Tiberian Sun for them to resume a non-xenophobic anti-communist storyline. Judging from the only avaliable trailer, it's in full 3D like Generals, still has Orcas, perhaps has USABLE gunboats this time (incredible!) and presumably the Brotherhood of NOD, though we didn't see them. The C & C series has always had a good storyline with that weird tangent that kept it interesting, like the Scrin Ship in Tiberian Sun. Aliens? Perhaps we'll get some answers this time round.

5 ) Gears of War.
Until this, GTA IV and Halo 3 are out, I'm not getting a 360. I just don't see any point, to be honest. You can pay a whole load of money just to have a console that can't handle half the maps on Halo 2 and crashes constantly. Whoopee. I'll stick with my regular Xbox thanks. Anyway, this is another third-person shooter for those who don't know. Instead of the evil aliens coming from another planet, they come from inside the planet. It boasts online co-op and a damned cool trailer. I would link to it but I've lost the thing.

Some other games worthy of mention :
Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty 3, HL2 : E2, Hellgate London, MGS : 4, Just cause, Unreal Tournament 2007, Red Steel. Most of these I suspect I will get...

Tomorrow we'll be typing up some odds and ends, then regular programming will resume. Including a surprise change to the blog!

History

In my opinion, there are currently three truly great producers of games who haven't been touched by EA. They are Valve, Bungie, and Rockstar. Out of all these, Rockstar come ontop simply for their sense of humour and willingness to break the boundaries of what is/isn't acceptable in gaming. So today, we'll be wondering how the Grand Theft Auto series rose from a little 7-meg game for the Windows 95, to the 3D-Gang-war-prostitution-driving-robbing-
shooting-gore-sextravanganza it is today!
I own every GTA game except GTA 2 (apparently shit) and Liberty City Stories, mainly because it's not currently out on PC. Though it may hopefully be in the future. Even though there is a subtle difference between a top-down shooter where one-shot killed and you couldn't save to the GTA games of today, I still think the original GTA is a classic. And still just as sweary-
"The shit's hit the fan. The cops are crawling all up my ass with flashlights lookin' for you."
How charming.
The original GTA also had many other fantastic features. As well as huge maps, hidden secrets and those brilliant bomb-rigged RC cars, they had the bonuses.
Now, as anyone who has ever played a GTA game will know, you can find Insane Stunt Bonuses. The value of these has varied through the games, but you generally have to do something absurdly dumb/suicidal/Texan, and as a reward you get cash. Assuming you survive (not guaranteed). But the original had 2 other bonuses : The Psycho Bastard Bonus - only avaliable once in the whole game, and I only got it by chance - and the Gratuitous Violence Bonus - some of the best words ever to appear on screen. I really think these should come back in GTA IV.

Now we will skip over GTA 2 like one might a turd.

Then they unveiled GTA 3, one of the most fantastic pieces of computer game engineering ever devised. A huge world, again with secrets, missions, yadda yadda. Basically, it rocked. And it featured a pair of bondage-obsessed Japanese lesbians.
Then came Vice City. Despite what a certain gaming website might say, it was NOT in any way the most innovative of the series. I think GTA 3 takes that particular trophy, seeing as it is 3D and all. Fools. Vice City is still good, but not at the same level as GTA 3/San Andreas. It lacked that fantastic feeling of the other two games, plus it had a crappy final mission. A final mission that was so crappy it somehow managed to crappify the rest of the game. Because it was THAT god-damned crappy. What a pile of crap. The only new thing for Vice City was a few changes of clothes and a few buildings you could buy. GREAT. San Andreas outdoes it in every way, apart from the Crappage Index.
Then came the peak of GTA brilliance, San Andreas. HUGE map, so damned much to do, and far more of a free-roaming aspect that GTA3 or Vice City. Picture below.


The game still manages to produce more to do every time you play it. The game engine is nicely built in a way that if you do the slightest thing unexpected, it doesn't collapse around you like so much NHS budget. I would post the huge list of things to do I once wrote up to disprove a foolish friend about how much there is to do, but it's too damned big. It seems to be self-replicating...
Now we wait on GTA IV. Make it good. And please, add Multiplayer and fewer moronic gang members. I would actually like them to help during gang wars, FOR ONCE.
Oh, and add another incredibly hilarious radio script please.