Hitman

Today I attended the Annual Hitman's Festival & AGM in [edited out]. It was a sombre affair, attended by those from all over the world who's affairs deal in death. I've copied down the timetable below, but I've been forced to edit out some of the more revealing bits to preserve the anonymity of the event.

9:00 - All assemble at the [edited out] car park. IDs given out and intruders inhumed. All attendees should bring their own packed lunches and drinks.
9:20 - Coaches depart for the main festival at [edited out]. All participants will be blindfolded so they don't know where they are heading. Even the coach drivers will, but we hire the best psychics in [edited out] so there is nothing to be worried about.
10:30 - Hopefully arrive at [edited out] for the main festival. There will be various attractions including the hoopla and shoot a duck. No children under 6 should be allowed to use the automatic weapons unsupervised.
11:00 onwards - Weapon demonstrations. Each day the number of countries we get representatives from grows, and their skills are certainly diverse. There has been a little confusion but we are hoping to host a shoot-out between two rival gangs this year, weather permitting. Don't worry - the nearby morgue has been alerted to take care of the corpses.
12:00 - The "Assassin Ride" opens a few minutes walk away at [edited out]. This takes you through the noble history of the assassin from Romanus Assassinus, recognised as the first real assassin, to such modern-day legends as Il Assassino.
1:30 - AGM begins in the main building. Guards will be posted at all entrances and full cavity searches may be required. Snipers are posted on all relevant rooftops (even though we are in the middle of nowhere!) and snacks will be provided inside.
5:00 - For the next half hour after 5pm you will be able to talk to some of your heroes as they take questions after the AGM. Disclaimer : Number of assassins after AGM may be lower than numbers of assassins before AGM. It's a dangerous business.
7:00 - Packing up. All attendees are asked to help but it isn't required (if you have to get away, don't worry!). There is generally a lot of litter, waste and blood around by this time and the local authority at [edited out] only let us have the site knowing we clear it up. Hope to see you all next year!

I've now got a couple of the pictures I took while I was there :

David Beckham - among other celebrities - takes some time out to show us the part of his past perhaps not so readily accepted by most people. It's a closely guarded secret of the Beckham clan that the moronic footballer was a hitman for many years. It was reassuring to know that he still hadn't lost his skills and demonstrated his prowess by killing some people living on trailer parks nearby.
A particular fan of the Desert Eagle, Beckham is still as deadly as he was all those years ago. Instead of wearing the usual white-trash sleeveless shirts and sports crap he normally does, it was refreshing to see the all-star celebrity make a real effort and come wearing his old suit. It's the little touches that make all the difference.


The infamous "Duck Pond", where anyone from 6 and above could take part. There was a nice variety of weapons there ranging from pistols like the Glock, a few Uzis, and massive machines of destruction like the M4 machine gun. You had to pay a small amount to the running of the stall, repair of bullet holes and the cost of the actual bullets themselves, but it was definitely worth it! They were no longer using real ducks this year after complaints from an animal rights group - I initiated the complaint, but don't tell them that!


The logo is obscured for privacy reasons on that picture. Anyway, this was my only real complaint about the day - the journey there. Don't get me wrong, the coaches were fine and comfortable and all, and one certainly felt safe in the presence of men who have quenched their natural human thirst for BLOOD! Nevertheless, the blindfolded drivers could done their job better. During the journey, I felt us go down a hill faster than I think you should on a road, we crashed through something which might have been a road block, and even seemed to hurl through mid-air at once point. Near the end of the journey there was another crash and I heard the screams of someone clinging to the side of the bus. A moment later his voice vanished and there was a bump under the backwheel.
The food was good though.

Despite their thirst for blood and the living of the high-life, the assassins are generally a nice bunch and I think I got along with them splendidly. Hope to go again next year!