Tail
Today we discuss the film "An American Tail", the last word hilariously changed because it's all about mice with oversized hats and vaguely neurotic cats who spend most of the film trying to feel up the mice, or doing such "hilarious" things as getting stuck in a hole because he's fat. Har-de-har. That one made me piss myself I must confess.
As far as I can understand, the general outline of this film is some random semi-Jewish mice come to America (the land of opportunity, the free, tax cuts, etc), meet some random "Injuns", claim that they own America as oppose to the Native Americans there before them, have a random sing-song about cheese sex or some shit and then everyone lives happily ever after. A few key scenes will be related below for your perusal.
"The Cat"
This is one of the early scenes when the big orange mongrel thing proves he won't eat any mice because he has a heart of gold. Naturally this is an incredibly touching scene and I must confess a tear slipped from my eye when I saw it. Moments later some more pro-American propaganda floods the screen, some nonsense about "Escaping the death camps to come here" or something. Who really cares?
"The Catchphrase"
This one is so hilarious I'm having laughing spasms just writing about it. At one stage while the mice as discussing things, one fat old mouse says "Don't complicate things Anna" to a small female mouse. Moments later after some more pointless babblings about the map that might lead to the Treasure of Wealth + 2, all the mice say "Don't complicate things Anna" at the same time to the small mouse. Get it? It's funny because they all say it at the same time! Classic stuff.
"The Crayons of Death"
We are later treated to a mural on a wall near the camp of "those pesky Injuns". The clever mouse (you can tell he's clever because he wears glasses) says the mural shows a great cataclysm, but it doesn't appear to display anything but the crayons of death. And some people shitting themselves over aformentioned crayon. What dull stuff. I come up with better cataclysms in my sleep.
"The Attack of Crabmouse"
There is a mouse/spy evil nasty character called Scuttlebug or Scuttlebutt or Buttlescut or Buttscat or something. Anyway, at once point while they're camping with the "pesky Injuns" he scuttles away to one side, earning him the name Crabmouse! He then goes to have a bite to eat or something devious like evil spies always do.
"Your Art sux"
Later, one of the "Indian mice" (NATIVE AMERICAN, Indians are from India) shows the mouse with the big stupid hat their greatest treasure, some random scribblings on a piece of paper. Now I - and I'm sure most other people - have seen Native American art (I rather like it), and this is such an insult to it. Well, the entire freaking film is insult after insult to the Native American people, especially such heart-warming lines as "this is our country, not yours!" and "IT'S INJUN HUNTIN' TIME! YEE-HAW!".
The last one may have been made up. The small mouse then cries after seeing the "artwork", presumably because it was so shit. Or he was having one of the few emotional moments in the film. Who cares?
"The Cheese-O-Lution"
I named this scene such because it's a revolution - about cheese! Those crazy mice. The nasty mice (one of whom looks like a rodent Willy Wonka) get all the factory workers all into a crazed innocent-beating frenzy! "Find that Injun!" was repeated a lot during this scene. The fat mouse called Mouse-O-Shitz or something moans this is worse than Russia, even though that has nothing to do with the film. He then proceeds to stuff himself full of food.
"Howling at the moon"
Mouse-O-Shitz looks up at the moon and says "give us a sign that you're still there, say something!". It's the moon. I think you'd notice if it went. Also, since it's the moon, it can't talk. Moron.
"The Final Insult Pt 1"
Some stupid fool shouts that the "nasty Injuns" are going to attack their settlement and destroy their way of life. Yes, because that's historically accurate, isn't it? I can't think of a single instance when the American settlers destroyed Native American culture...
Moments later the mob charges off to attack the underground settlement, which is absurb in itself because despite being underground, it's perfectly bright without a flaming torch in sight. It's these little things that make the movie even shitter than it already is.
"MOB CHARGE!"
As the mob charges off, some fat policemen hand them flaming torches. That's not how you do it! Mobs bring their own torches! I give this scene a score of 2/10, because I thought the acting of one of the mice extras wasn't quite up to standard.
"Attack of the Mouse Rapist"
As the evil policeman/world-class sumo Ballface or whatever his name was leads the charge against the "evil Injuns", he pauses for a moment and sniffs the air before declaring he "loves that smell." The only other thing in the picture at that moment is the backside of one of his companions. Oh god.
"Attack Formation"
The evil police mice form up into their "attack formation" which seemed to consist of having one mouse in front and the others ram him from behind. Family entertainment at its best.
"The River of Faeces"
Near the end a coffee-grinder/high-power explosive explodes and floods the caves with water/concrete. This all seems perfectly logical and the mice leap onto the side of the walls to survive the impending destruction. Shortly after the water levels recede a little and for some reason the river instantly turns brown.
"Fruit Fight"
When the evil policemen/rapists reach the "Injun camp", the Native American mice have two options to defend themselves. They could either use weapons, you know, that actually might win the battle, or they could use fruit. Naturally they choose fruit, and for some reason being gently pelted with tomatoes makes the hardened cops from such films as "Mouse Police Brutality 9" retreat. Cowards. The day is saved!
"The Final Insult Pt 2"
In the final scene we see the lead mouse child pleasuring himself with a telescope.
Sorry that's so long, but there are so many damned oodles of crap in that film I had to do justice to them all.
----
A quick announcement - we're currently playtesting "The Story of WTF", an interactive text-based game with bosses, NPCs, co-op partners and checkpoints! It'll be up on the blog soon-ish.
As far as I can understand, the general outline of this film is some random semi-Jewish mice come to America (the land of opportunity, the free, tax cuts, etc), meet some random "Injuns", claim that they own America as oppose to the Native Americans there before them, have a random sing-song about cheese sex or some shit and then everyone lives happily ever after. A few key scenes will be related below for your perusal.
"The Cat"
This is one of the early scenes when the big orange mongrel thing proves he won't eat any mice because he has a heart of gold. Naturally this is an incredibly touching scene and I must confess a tear slipped from my eye when I saw it. Moments later some more pro-American propaganda floods the screen, some nonsense about "Escaping the death camps to come here" or something. Who really cares?
"The Catchphrase"
This one is so hilarious I'm having laughing spasms just writing about it. At one stage while the mice as discussing things, one fat old mouse says "Don't complicate things Anna" to a small female mouse. Moments later after some more pointless babblings about the map that might lead to the Treasure of Wealth + 2, all the mice say "Don't complicate things Anna" at the same time to the small mouse. Get it? It's funny because they all say it at the same time! Classic stuff.
"The Crayons of Death"
We are later treated to a mural on a wall near the camp of "those pesky Injuns". The clever mouse (you can tell he's clever because he wears glasses) says the mural shows a great cataclysm, but it doesn't appear to display anything but the crayons of death. And some people shitting themselves over aformentioned crayon. What dull stuff. I come up with better cataclysms in my sleep.
"The Attack of Crabmouse"
There is a mouse/spy evil nasty character called Scuttlebug or Scuttlebutt or Buttlescut or Buttscat or something. Anyway, at once point while they're camping with the "pesky Injuns" he scuttles away to one side, earning him the name Crabmouse! He then goes to have a bite to eat or something devious like evil spies always do.
"Your Art sux"
Later, one of the "Indian mice" (NATIVE AMERICAN, Indians are from India) shows the mouse with the big stupid hat their greatest treasure, some random scribblings on a piece of paper. Now I - and I'm sure most other people - have seen Native American art (I rather like it), and this is such an insult to it. Well, the entire freaking film is insult after insult to the Native American people, especially such heart-warming lines as "this is our country, not yours!" and "IT'S INJUN HUNTIN' TIME! YEE-HAW!".
The last one may have been made up. The small mouse then cries after seeing the "artwork", presumably because it was so shit. Or he was having one of the few emotional moments in the film. Who cares?
"The Cheese-O-Lution"
I named this scene such because it's a revolution - about cheese! Those crazy mice. The nasty mice (one of whom looks like a rodent Willy Wonka) get all the factory workers all into a crazed innocent-beating frenzy! "Find that Injun!" was repeated a lot during this scene. The fat mouse called Mouse-O-Shitz or something moans this is worse than Russia, even though that has nothing to do with the film. He then proceeds to stuff himself full of food.
"Howling at the moon"
Mouse-O-Shitz looks up at the moon and says "give us a sign that you're still there, say something!". It's the moon. I think you'd notice if it went. Also, since it's the moon, it can't talk. Moron.
"The Final Insult Pt 1"
Some stupid fool shouts that the "nasty Injuns" are going to attack their settlement and destroy their way of life. Yes, because that's historically accurate, isn't it? I can't think of a single instance when the American settlers destroyed Native American culture...
Moments later the mob charges off to attack the underground settlement, which is absurb in itself because despite being underground, it's perfectly bright without a flaming torch in sight. It's these little things that make the movie even shitter than it already is.
"MOB CHARGE!"
As the mob charges off, some fat policemen hand them flaming torches. That's not how you do it! Mobs bring their own torches! I give this scene a score of 2/10, because I thought the acting of one of the mice extras wasn't quite up to standard.
"Attack of the Mouse Rapist"
As the evil policeman/world-class sumo Ballface or whatever his name was leads the charge against the "evil Injuns", he pauses for a moment and sniffs the air before declaring he "loves that smell." The only other thing in the picture at that moment is the backside of one of his companions. Oh god.
"Attack Formation"
The evil police mice form up into their "attack formation" which seemed to consist of having one mouse in front and the others ram him from behind. Family entertainment at its best.
"The River of Faeces"
Near the end a coffee-grinder/high-power explosive explodes and floods the caves with water/concrete. This all seems perfectly logical and the mice leap onto the side of the walls to survive the impending destruction. Shortly after the water levels recede a little and for some reason the river instantly turns brown.
"Fruit Fight"
When the evil policemen/rapists reach the "Injun camp", the Native American mice have two options to defend themselves. They could either use weapons, you know, that actually might win the battle, or they could use fruit. Naturally they choose fruit, and for some reason being gently pelted with tomatoes makes the hardened cops from such films as "Mouse Police Brutality 9" retreat. Cowards. The day is saved!
"The Final Insult Pt 2"
In the final scene we see the lead mouse child pleasuring himself with a telescope.
Sorry that's so long, but there are so many damned oodles of crap in that film I had to do justice to them all.
----
A quick announcement - we're currently playtesting "The Story of WTF", an interactive text-based game with bosses, NPCs, co-op partners and checkpoints! It'll be up on the blog soon-ish.
posted by Mkzrj at 1:10 pm
8 Comments:
I strangely wish I'd watched this now.
I was in fits of laughter reading that, reliving this morning.
You forgot all the blatant American propaganda such as:
"We live in Manhattan, isn't it great?"
"In America, you're totally free"
"The American dream is brilliant and doesn't involve greed and thievery."
"In America everyone has a chance for glory"
Oh, and of course, the bad guys had English accents because all English people are evil and the Americans are saints and don't beat innocents and shoot each other and have one of the world's worst democracies.
Oh yes. I forgot those.
Wow. The film sounds really rather good. Just like anything that shows you the American Dream. Oh, how I love the American dream. I'll have to move there one day. *throws up repeatedly*
Wow. Propaganda for children in the guise of anthropomorphised cartoon animals.
It's been done before.
Tbh i couldnt be botherd to read all that, just saw the picture..
I remember this film from my younger days...
I have no idea what you actually wrote about so ill just say yeh its a good film >_>
"Wow. Propaganda for children in the guise of anthropomorphised cartoon animals.
It's been done before."
Yeah, by Hitler.
Exactly.
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