About three weeks ago, the plan was this :
Take the train to
Act I - The First Train Journey.
It all went well until we got half way there. We stopped.
After perhaps twenty minutes, something came through the speakers.
“This is your driver for today speaking, folks. I’m afraid I don’t know why we’re not moving, but I’ll try and find out soon.”
HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY NOT KNOW? IT’S YOUR DAMN TRAIN.
Then another thirty minutes pass, until suddenly a frantic-sounding driver crackles on the intercom thing.
“Sorry folks, but this train, er, isn’t moving. There’s another train outside which will take you the last step of your journey, but it’s leaving in a few seconds!”
This is 100% true.
There was a brief pause while this information filtered down, and then a mad rush as people grabbed bags, stuffed coffee cups into pockets, closed laptops, rammed on hats and sprinted across the pebbles towards the other train. Literally ten seconds after we got on, the doors shut and it slid out of the station. Incredible.
We finally then make it to
Act II - The Tram.
Let me relay this with total, total clarity.
We're waiting for the tram after the open day in
Now, this tram stop has two sides and two sets of raily things. Therefore, surely two different trams come through here, right?
We ask her, in clear English, standing on the left side of the station - "Does this tram take us to the train station?"
She answers, "Yes."
Funnily enough, we thought this might be accurate, seeing as SHE WAS ONE OF THE DAMN TRAM PEOPLE (I call them Trammies).
A few minutes later, tram pulls up, we get on, and it trundles off.
Now, thirty minutes go past. We go past lots and lots of stops, but not a single one looks like a train station, or has any kind of trainy sense to it. We notice our Trammie making her way back through the pedestrian throng and I ask her a question.
"This is the tram for the train station, right?"
This was one of those moments where the world holds its breath. Either my faith in the incompetent people of
"No. That's the other tram, the blue line. You're on the orange line."
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US THAT BEFORE WE PAID FOR OUR TICKET AND GOT ON YOUR FUCKING TRAM YOU STUPID INCOMPETENT SOW?
So we miss our train and have to get one two hours later. But there was more pain to come...
Act III - Why Other People Should Not Be Allowed Out Of Their Houses
So, two hours later, we get on the train that is supposed to head back. In the seat opposite me, a man sits down. He is perhaps thirty years old, wearing the least fashionable clothes I have ever seen combined on one person, and with his shirt tucked into his trousers and his trousers pulled up around nipple height. Additionally, his top teeth hang over his bottom lip, giving him an impression of dangerous inbreeding.
But okay, I guess such people must logically exist to balance out averages – for every incredibly beautiful person, there must be a…one of these. Anyway, about three minutes into the train moving out of the station, this man – at least 30 years old – sticks his finger straight up a nostril to the knuckle. He then proceeds to rummage around inside, perhaps searching for whatever happened to his self-esteem.
Worse, he then takes it out of his nose, critically inspects the contents, wipes it on his sleeve, and continues to hum a tune.
Later, a woman sits down to me with the girth of a small planet. I genuinely have to shrink myself into the wall to avoid being crushed, and for someone my height that's no easy task. What made it worse was that this woman seemed to think she wasn't using up enough of her damn chair - and enough of mine - and over a period of the next hour wobbled closer and closer to me.
I hate society.
Act IV - The Second Train Journey.
We get to
“We’re sorry ladies and gentlemen, but because British Rail are staggeringly incompetent, we have to now go on a two hour diversion. Sorry about this.”
The entire carriage groans. Various people get off, curse, scream, explode, combust, or die. One person even mutters “We’ll see about that…” and storms in the direction of the driving carriage (what is this called?).
Thirty minutes later – “Actually, we’re NOT being diverted, but you do have to wait another hour. HA!”
Eventually we get home.
It was hellish.
I am never using public transport again in my entire life.
Note 1 :
This was on an internet forum about Bioshock.
Originally posted by: manowar821
Originally posted by: Regs
[ **Important Note: Game requires Internet connection for activation** ]
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT TO SHIT HELL!!!!!
How can someone possibly complain about something that requires internet activation, while being on the damn internet? Such people astound me.
Note 2 :
I cashed in another 2700 freeroll (poker tourney), finishing 23rd this time. However, this time it was HORSE. It’s a mixed game, which plays ten hands of Holdem, ten hands of
Although, one curiosity – No-Limit Holdem is obviously my best game, yet I don’t seem that good at Limit Holdem. Strange.
Since then, I’ve also come 35th, and in the top 200 twice more.
Oh, and yesterday I played two nine-person tournaments at the same time and won them both. That was nice too.
Note 3 :
There is no note 4, but note 3 is a lie.
Note 4 :
Note 3 tells the truth, but this note is a lie.
With our new and wholly illegal, undemocratic and unelected Prime Minster ruling our country for the foreseeable future, it seems appropriate that we recap the greatest moments of our previous No. 10 incumbent, who himself was elected by a mere 28% of the population.
Cash for Honours
During his reign, our great leader continued the age-old tradition of sleaze. This begun with the Conservative Party in the lead-up to Blair’s first victory and continued when Blair brought New Labour (otherwise known as the Conservatives) into power. Realising the best way to earn funding was to give out titles that once actually meant something, he brilliantly starting giving peerages to those who donated vast sums of money to the party. This brought in many donations from those desperate for the red robes of office that Blair promised those with more money than morals.
In addition to this stunning piece of economic management, the Labour party also received a £1m donation from Bernie Ecclestone, the Formula One mogul. Not just content with leading the third most boring sport on Earth, he donated this money in order to ensure that he could continue to advertise cigarettes. Even though this donation had to be given back, it was clear from the start that this was a new government, and one determined to use all their wit and cunning to circumvent the political process.
The War in
Tony Blair and his government continued their legal tour de force when they invaded a country half way across the world unprovoked that posed no possible threat to us or any of our allies. Even though we knew that they didn’t have weapons, couldn’t have weapons, and even if they did couldn’t hit us with them, we still decided that it would be a good idea.
With the encouragement of our friends across the
But all this pales.
The world has gone mad. A cog has fallen out of the mechanisms of reality. A wire has snapped and frayed in the databanks of life. Etc.
Tony Blair has been appointed as an envoy for peace in the
The icing on this Labour government’s cake of criminals would be the recent BAE scandal, where we apparently bribed the Saudi government in order to give us arms deals. Naturally, this combines the two greatest features of this government – weapons AND monetary scandal! This has now been discontinued because of “issues of national security” – or, to put it another way, Blair doesn’t want to be interrupted while doing the lecture circuit in the
Our New Great Leader
Our New Great Leader
So now, Gordon Brown is our Prime Minister. Even those who voted Labour didn't vote for him, so it could easily be argued that not a single person in the entire country voted for him as PM. Hooray for democracy!