Saturday, September 30, 2006

Story

So here we have it, the project we've been working on for the past while!
Entitled "The Story of WTF" this is an interactive tale of adventure! It includes a boss fight, co-op partners (in the expansion anyway) and checkpoints. So play now! There are nearly 300 areas to visit and things to do!
Also : Some opinions expressed here are not my own. This is humour, not proper political debate. Speaking of political debate, Tony Blair should resign at once. That said -
PLAY THE GAME!





Thursday, September 28, 2006

Clock

The clock is now just three minutes off midnight. You've been thinking about what's happened for the past hour but still haven't come to any conclusions. Lord Barnacle-Smythe is your chief suspect, but you don't quite trust the old woman either. Her information may be useful, but the elderly can be vicious sometimes when angered. Could she have killed the blonde?
Even though the body has now been removed, no-one wants to sit down at the table. You guess it's understandable.
With a deep boom the clock hits midnight. It bongs twice more when the lights suddenly go out again.
"But I can't control what numbers come out!" a male voice cries, then a nasty gurgling noise replaces it. With a fizzing of electronics the lights come back on and you notice the doctor has apparently become the next victim. His prized speculum seems to be plunged deep into his heart, and he isn't moving.
The countess wails somewhere but you barely notice, quickly seeing who was closest to him. The old woman and Lord Barnacle-Smythe are the closest, but the old woman quickly moves away.
"Unbelievable!" cries the fat Belgian detective. "A second murder."
No-one repremands him for stating the bloody obvious, but tensions are clearly fraught. From what seemed like an isolated murder, all the guests are suddenly fearing they will be the next. Perhaps the murderer intends to kill everyone?
The clock finishes booming and no-one else speaks.
"So," says the fat Belgian, breaking the silence for the umpteenth time and annoying everyone. He then starts to repeat all the clues we know so far, but you don't bother to listen. You wonder how sharp the speculum needed to be to impale the doctor.
"What do you think?" asks the fat Belgian. You suddenly realise he was talking to you, and you don't have the slightest idea what he said. You ask him what about.
"This!" he replied, throwing out his arms for emphasis. "The murders."
You shrug and tell him you have your theories and believe yourself close to solving the case. The detective huffs and dismisses your theories. He even looks a little flustered. "Rubbish! I'll be the one to solve this mystery! The fat detective always does!"
What an annoying man.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Skynet

It helps if you've seen the Terminator films.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Narwhal

Yes, it's that time of the year again folks! Narwhal Duelling season!

A Brief History of the sport

There are several different accounts of how this most noble of sports began. There are those who say it was originally devised by a man called Katyushami-San, who quickly spread it to the rest of the world where it became something of a cult phenomenon. Others suggest a man who went by the name of Minamoto-San created it after an enlightening fishing trip and spread it in native Japan first before moving onto the rest of the world. Whatever the case, he certainly had a "San" in his name. There are a few who think he was called San-San, but they are generally regarded to be fools.


Like Unicorns of the Sea, Narwhals are one of the most noble creatures on this Earth. The sport has blossomed into a worldwide phenomenon, and money flows quickly. The skilled better can make his fortune, but the foolish man will become bankrupt. Many different leagues have sprung up, ranging from the "United States Open" - by far the most bloody and needlessly destructive tournament - to the "Worldwide Championship", which due to the illegal status of the sport is held in pubs. Many say this lowers the status of the sport, but there is little we can do.


Some famous Duelling Narwhals :

Narwhal Jimbob - World Champion, 1996-2003
Lucky Eightynine - British Champion, 1989-2006
Admiral of the Creamy Seas - Spanish Champion, 1971-1974
October Wind - Chilean Champion, 1981-1981

The sport is undoubtably undergoing a period of change now, but most are certain it will endure. Despite many leading members being arrested for "needless brutally like those fox-hunting bastards", it will no doubt continue.

It might have been Kyoto-San, actually.

----

Since "education" is once again upon us, blog entries are being reduced to weekends, Tuesdays and Thursdays. In holidays they will be daily as normal. Sorry, but I just don't have time for work, daily blog entries, and playing Oblivion.
Complain if you will.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Ill

I feel utterly, utterly crap today. I have a cold, sore throat, lack of breath and I sometimes feel a bit sick. The upshot of this brief whine is no update for today. SORRY.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Crash

As my computer crashed twice today while writing the blog entry, I will instead present 3 of my harsher NG reviews, and leave that entry for tomorrow.



Friday, September 22, 2006

Package

The Belgian detective apparently has decided to take some time out to interview people. Nevertheless you decide not to trust someone like that with uncovering the murderer, and you continue your own investigations. While you head to the doctor, you notice Lord Barnacle-Smythe sneaking out of the room into the corridor. Postponing your appointment with the older woman, you slyly trail Lord Barnacle-Smythe outside.
He pauses outside, his feet squeaking on the floor tiles. He pauses for a moment as if listening to check anyone following him. You leap to one side and take cover behind a plant pot. He moves on and you promptly follow him.
Lord Barnacle-Smythe pushes open a door and goes into a courtyard. You hang back to observe what happens.
"Where are you?" hisses the Lord. A dark-suited man appears from somewhere behind a hedge and whispers something back. Unfortunately you are unable to catch their conversation.
The new man raises his voice suddenly and shouts something about "the mission". Eventually Lord Barnacle-Smythe hands over a white packet with something in, and they go their seperate ways.
You've moved out of the doorway and are now standing in the courtyard, but suddenly you realise the Lord is heading back your way. In the darkness he doesn't seem to have noticed you yet. You are forced to dive into the pond on one side and pretend to be a carp until he passes by.

You return to the Drawing Room later with a change of clothes. You catch a strand of conversation which suggests the mansion has been cordoned off so no-one can leave until the murderer is uncovered. You finally manage to reach the doctor, and ask heim what he thinks of the situation.
The doctor is twirling his speculum as if a baton as he replies.
"I'm really not sure, to be honest. It all seems a little too convinient if you ask me. Had I murdered her I would've removed the knife and cleaned it instantly. There's a risk of infection if you don't. She was a bit of an unpleasant patient though, I certainly won't miss her in my practice. Don't think I'm being heartless, but some people are just impossible to deal with..."
You're not quite sure how useful that is, but you thank the doctor all the same. Even though you've now talked to everyone, you don't feel any the wiser. Everyone seems to have at least a little bit of a motive except the Countess, but Lord Barnacle-Smythe was by far the most suspicious.
To be continued...

Once again, any questions will be answered.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Rokkit

Today I made a Rokkit and went to the moon.



We flew through the stars!



Mr Happy Rokkit coming in for a landing on the Moon!



We meet a Martian on the Moon! A Moon Burd can be seen, but I had a slight accident while landing :(

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Misfortune

Diary of a San Andreas Resident

Sunday 15th June
Unbelievable! Some people simply have no respect for the law, or other people! While I was walking past my local pizza joint on the way to the gym, a car pulled up and two men got out. One of them was smoking something and the other was dressed in nothing more than this filthy white vest. These two assholes then proceeded to try and rob the pizza place before coming out and crushing the only employee who fought back under their car! Even more unlucky, when they ran him over, his shotgun discharged and buried a bullet in my leg. So now I'm going to be in hospital for the next while.

Thursday 26th June
Maybe I should move out of this stupid city? I was waiting to get to the hospital after being shot in the leg when the ambulance screeches round the corner and knocks over a lamp-post. The guy driving it was the same guy who tried to rob the pizza place! Unbelievable! Against my better judgement I climbed in and he did get me to the hospital, but it was a bumpy ride. There's something odd going on here...

Monday 30th June
I was walking past the big "Taste of things to come" sign today when I heard police sirens and a helicopter approaching. A moment later a car burst through the sign, knocking me aside into the storm drain. Both my legs were broken and I'm writing this from my hospital bed. This left the sign looking like something rather rude. On the news they're saying the leaders of the gang responsible have been arrested - good riddance!

Tuesday 22nd July
I thought my bad luck must've been used up by now, but apparently not. Having moved to San Fierro to try and avoid the hell of Los Santos, I now find two cars stolen from me! Right under my nose! In my car showroom! The manager went mad, especially because those two were fitted with Nitro. I gave the police a description of the two men, and - believe it or not - one of them was the same bloody guy! I don't know who the other one was, but he didn't sound American. Damn them!

Friday 25th July
So I was driving along the freeway heading out of Los Santos. Going out into the countryside for some R & R, when this bike does a handbrake turn in front of me and fills up the whole road. The guy - the sAME BLOODY GUY AGAIN - gets off and produces a BAZOOKA from somewhere! He then shoots down a helicopter flying over, which crashes on MY BIKE which I wisely vacated. By the time I got to my senses the little shit had sped off again. Damn him! What did I ever do to deserve this?

Saturday 9th August
It seemed like a new home and job in Las Venturas seemed like a good idea. I've always fancied myself as something of a gambler. So I'm in this "Caligula's" place, and the same jackass comes in! I start to tell security about him, but suddenly the guy loses a hand or something and starts killing everyone! I take cover as these incompetent guards come forward and fail to kill him! By the time the police arrive the turd is long gone!

Sunday 31st August
I've decided to join a gang. Clearly the only way to fight back is to play these assholes at their own game, so I'm now a "Vago", whatever the hell that means. I've been told to defend this big mansion just north of Los Santos. Seems peaceful.

Monday 1st September
Jesus! I can hear gunfire on the roof! I'd better go up and check what's happening! If that's that same guy I'll fucking kill him!. One man can't stand up to all of us, even if he does have a minigun!

-Entries end-


Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Turbo

Have you ever wished you could play Scalextric on your computer? If not, you must live a shallow life indeed.
But, if like the rest of us you have always wanted to move your favourite hobby onto Cyberspace, your chance now exists! The fantastic game of "Turbo Cars"!
Firstly, this game barely runs on the shitty computers the school furnishes us with to try and embrace modern technology. Since these take a good few minutes to load up even Internet Explorer, perhaps we were being foolish in thinking this would actually work. Upon turning it down to the lowest resolution, finding out what the actual keys were and reducing all graphical features, it finally worked.
You can choose from a variety of different tracks, all of which are "completely different". These range from Figure of 8 to Figure of 8 Big and Figure of 8 Huge. That's some exciting shit right there, folks!
These different tracks are played in a variety of different areas. These range from a fairly ordinary house-hold like the one in the photo to what appears to be an ancient Egyptian tomb, complete with a sarcophagus. I'm not one to question the factual and historical inaccuracy of the game, but did the ancient Egyptians really play Scalextric in-between building some of the most incredible structures known to man? I sincerely doubt it.
Once you got over the excitement of different/identical tracks, you can then choose the camera angle. The favourite option seemed to be the one shown in the picture, which only showed the car in the lead. This meant the player who was losing had no sight of his shitty little car and could only guess what to do.
But that didn't matter, because this game was 100% luck. In order to win, you simply hold down the "forward" key and hope you fly off the track a little less than you opponent. No tactics are required. No fancy skills and handbrake turns needed. You could even turn off the computer screen while holding down the keys and you wouldn't miss out on the excitement! The blank computer screen might even be better!
When you finally come to closing the game, you'll find there doesn't seem to be a logical method to get rid of the damned thing. After flailing at the keys we finally managed to get rid of it and swore never again to play Turbo Cars.
Should we have more Shareware reviews in the future?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Scary

Many of you will remember the Illuminati entry entitled "Council", back on the 6th of September. A few days ago I recieved an e-mail, sent by an anonymous account to which I couldn't reply, commenting on this entry. I have copied it in its entirity below:

Dear MKZRJ,
Your blog, "Thoughts, rants and ideas" recently published an entry talking of the Illuminati.
While we recognise that this was written purely for entertainment purposes, we must unfortunately request that it is deleted from the site for several reasons, too sensitive to be mentioned in an e-mail so susceptible to interception. If you refuse to co-operate our 'lawyers' will regretably have to take action against your blog for the possible offence it may cause and the security risks posed.
We remain uncertain how this information fell into your hands, especially since several measures you mention have already been implemented making theft nearly impossible, so we also demand that you provide us with a detailed explanation of the aforementioned dilemma.
Failure to do so could also result in further contact from the highest authorities, either from within our own society and its highly trained and respected lawyers or from our close friends within the United States Supreme Court. We highly recommend that you follow the advice and instruction that we provide you with to avoid any unnecessary confrontation in a courtroom, and would once again wish to highlight the severity of the situation.


[This image was included with the e-mail. I'm not totally sure why but the big guy on the right of the middle looks like plastecine.]

Due to the nature of this issue, if it spiralled any further it would be greated by a complete media blackout, which we have already been granted by the Supreme Court should it be necessary to prevent details of the case leaking into blasphemous international newspapers and online media organisations.
Furthermore, should the case be taken before court, as an additional consequence of - but entirely derived from - the importance and international sensitivity of the case, the court would likely be eager to rule hastily in our favour.
Also, because of the above mentioned media blackout aready granted us, we would strongly advise against the publication of this email and request that you maintain it with upmost confidentiality.

[Oops.]

Mentioning, or furtermore copying, it onto your website, "Thought, rants and ideas" or indeed any other website in your possession or the possession of others, regardless of your awareness of such an act, could increase the severity considerably and provoke an instantaneous and decisive response, which would almost certainly result in your site being shut down and possibly even jail for yourself and any associates of yours who have aided you at any stage of this process.
The publication of international secrets (albeit of ficticious international establishments) cannot in anyway be condoned. Especially not in a manner which could at worst reveal centuries of supressed information and ruin the work many dedicated their lives to that this situation has such at risk and at best misinform and possibly convert several people to believe in the existence of (the entirely fictional and completely untrue) Illuminati.
Should this not convince you to remove all references to our non-existent sect, you should know that Gooosho'lfnh the terrible shall smite thou all if you dare continue this blashpemy.

Regards,
Not the President Master of the Command of the Holy Saviour

P.S
Not the Lord Esquire the Renowed Librarian of the Lord either.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Cruise

Celebrities consider : Tom Cruise

Bruce Willis on Tom Cruise :

This guy really scares the shits out of me I can tell you. Fighting off a dozen German terrorists in a skyscraper before jumping off an exploding roof and throttling someone with a chain? No problem. Stopping the Earth's core from exploding or doing something equally nasty? Easy. But the guy's just creepy. I mean, all that Scientology stuff. Silent pregnancy and the rest. I mean, I've eaten some crazy things in my time, but never a placenta. That's what distinguishes us from the animal kingdom. Speaking of which, I'm off hunting now.



Gordon Brown on Tom Cruise :

Yo, its G. Brown talking to all yo niggas. I'm gonna diss with ya da best man Tom Cruise, cos he's lik da bomb.

*gun shot*

-Now taking over from Gordon Brown is Great Gran Guinevere-

Back in my day our celebrities were proper heroes, none of this placenta-eating nonsense. Tom Cruise is a silly young man and all his Scientology friends should just take a step back and look at the tripe they believe in.



Disgruntled alien on Tom Cruise

I'm not too keen on him, if only because he probably played some role in killing my species, seeing as he was the main character and all. I haven't seen the film, I consider it an insult to my freakishly mutated race. I would eat Tom Cruise whole, but unfortunately, I have a single big eye rather than anything useful like a mouth. That's why my species feed through the same orifice we use to excrete. You think that's disgusting? At least we don't eat placentas. Jeez.



Rowan Williams on Tom Cruise

Now, thinking about it in detail, having carefully reviewed and pondered over recent affairs in the world spoken of by the Pope, I have concluded it perhaps not to be the most sound of choices to talk about Tom Cruise in an excessively derogatory manner. While he may be a completely idiotic fool or nincompoop who has absurd beliefs, in light of the recent scandal relating to the Holy Father's comments, I will decline to comment on Mr Cruise or any of his fuckwitted beliefs.
Whoops.


Isaac Hayes (fellow Scientologist) on Tom Cruise

I have no idea what all these previous fools are talking about. How dare they insult Scientology? I left one of the greatest comedy series of all time because of my daft beliefs in a super-being called Xenu who crashed on Earth 40 million years ago in a Boeing 747 and distributed ghosts, so don't call us stupid!
We shall, as Scientology brothers, declare war of the forces of evil that refuse to bathe in baked beans and pay thousands of dollars for cheap scams. Tom Cruise is an idol to millions of us around the world, a great man, and we shall fight for him if we must. Wha- Why are those men in white coats coming for me. Hey, this was a set up! Damn you! Xenu will avenge me-

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Conclusion

Three things to be done here - the Crossword answers, the battle of the Ubertrons, and the voting for the top 3 entries thus far.

Firstly, the Crossword. The winner is Faf, so he will get a small trophy at some point. If some of the answers don't make sense, ask.

Secondly, the results of the voting.

1st Place : Change
2nd Place : Gem
3rd Place : Hitman

Finally, the BATTLE OF THE UBERTRONS!

Firstly my Ubertron, with clear references to anime, manga, and crappy art. However, it does have a sword.



Chainz's Ubertron is constructed from nothing but paper and adamantium.



Faf's Ubertron can travel at over 4mph.


Ross' Ubertron is an excellent break-dancer.

Tom's Ubertron was responsible for most great wars of the 20th century.Finally, an honourable mention for Hayden's Ubertrons. Despite mis-reading the brief or losing his eyes partway through or something, he still managed to use photoshop to make something really rather cool.


I'm sure such a masterful selection would make the Ubertron himself proud...

Friday, September 15, 2006

Zwei

Murder Mystery 2 Part the Second II Two

While people recover, you decide to talk to someone you haven't talked to before. You fancy yourself as something of an amateur detective, and this case might even get you your own series!
The rich woman looks like a countess. She is wearing a glamorous ballgown and has a poodle on a leash. You find her rather ugly.
"Isn't it terrible?" you ask to break the ice.
She nods, as if holding back tears. "I've never witnessed anything so horrible!"
"Ever looked in a mirror?" you ask before walking away, disappointed. She seems rather upset by your brutally honest reply. You walk over to the older woman.
"Her name was Gloria," explains the haggard old woman, munching on some kind of cough sweet. "She used to work part time at my Bingo club, until there was a certain incident, and she was forced to leave. Good riddance to the bitch!"
You ask exactly what she did that was so terrible, but the old lady refuses to explain more. You get the impression it became something of a long-standing vendetta between the two.
"Anything else you can tell me?" you ask.
She pops another cough sweet in her mouth. "Sure, ask me about any of these guests. I make it my business to know everything about the people in this town, so I guarantee I can tell you something useful."
Before you can say any more, the fat man clears his throat. You politely shut the hell up.
"We have a murder here. You're all going to let me solve it. I know you are because even though the police are only two streets away and are almost certainly more qualified than I am, you feel a fat Belgian detective is bound to solve the mystery! At the end I will gather you all together in this room and slowly eliminate the suspects one by one! Not only that, but I'm even under the influence of alcohol!"
He hiccups. "All the better to solve the crime with!"
The Belgian detective spins on his foot and patrols the room, coming to rest next to the corpse. "The first stage of any investigation is to decide if this really is a corpse, or an elaborate ruse."
He pokes the glamorous blonde. She seems real enough. He then proceeds to yank the knife out from her back, illiciting a plume of blood.
"It would appear this is a real corpse," he admits, absently wiping the bloodied knife on his dinner jacket. "Now, who here would have a motive?"
He spins to face the doctor with the probing tool. "You! Perhaps she was an illicit lover who you had to hide to your wife? Or perhaps she merely insulted your professionalism as a doctor and you were insulted! Or maybe it's something as harmless as a dead-body probing fetish? Eh?"
The fat Belgian detective points to the doctor's probing tool as if offering proof. The doctor stays unmoved in the face of the Belgian's loony claims. "I've never met her before in my life," is the reply.
The Belgian fattie looks derailed, and you realise it's going to be a long night.


Leave a question in the comments to get a reply. Ask about any character and information will be given...
Note : Asking "Who is the murderer" doesn't work. Questions along the lines of "What are Lord Barnacle's Smythe's hobbies?" or "Where did the blonde woman live?" are more useful. That is, they will actually be answered.

----

On a totally random note, today I got another ancient retro game at 1/5th of normal price. Ha-ha.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Scam

I recently made a rather good attempt at luring a scammer. At first I tried to persuade someone from the "National Chinese Pearl Mine" that I wanted to buy into their business but didn't understand how. They didn't even mention oysters - perhaps it was lost in translation. Regardless, that particular ropey customer never replied to my advances and so I lost the opporunity to increase my riches even further. On my second try I tried to claim my winnings of the "NL Internet Lottery." This had a little more success, but I never recieved another reply. Perhaps mentioning the lack of human invention put off these parasites.


First email to me :

CONTACT:FOR YOUR PRIZE YOU WON YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS WON THE LOTTERY.

REF Number: ICB/231-ILGI0431/06 Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice, the results of the Second Category draws of THE LOTTO NL PROMO INT. We are happy to inform you that you have emerged a winner under the First Category, which is part of our promotional draws. The draws are being officially announced today 31st of AUG 2006.

Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 2,500,000 email addresses of individuals and companies from Africa, America, Asia, Australia, Europe, Middle East, and Oceania as part of our International Promotions Program. Your e-mail address, attached to ticket number 20511465463-7655, with serial number 472-9768-79 drew the lucky numbers 8-66-97-22-65-55 and consequently won in the First Category. You have therefore been awarded a lump sum pay out of $1,000,000,00 (One Million Dollars), which is the winning payout for Category A winners. This is from a total cash prize of $10,000,000.00 (Ten Million Dollars) shared amongst the first Ten (10) lucky winners in this category CONGRATULATIONS ! ! !

Your fund is now deposited
with the paying Bank.In your best interest to avoid mix up of numbers and names of any kind, we request that you keep the entire details of your award strictly from public notice until the process of transferring your claims has been completed, and your funds remitted to your account. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unscrupulous acts by participants/nonparticipants of this program.Please contact your claim agent officer (International Remittance Dept)immediately for due processingand remittance of your prize money to a designated account of your choice:

NOTE: For easy
reference and identification, find below your Reference and Batch numbers. Remember to quote these numbers in your correspondence with claims agent

REF Number: ICB/231-ILGI0431/06

BATCH No:
EOS/15/096/TVFS
TICKET No:20511465463-7655

SERIAL No:472-9768-79

LUCKY
No:8-66-97-22-65-55 To claim your funds, please contact your claim officer . Contact person: Mr. M. de Bruijne. (International Remittance Department). E-mail: Moron@scammer.com Tel:+31-649-304-315 Fax:+31-847-539-161


Well, that seemed rather good. My first reply :

Hello!

I am using this side E-Mail address to contact you because I do not want the wife to know about this - she is a little too greedy with money I am thinking! I am most interested in the opportunity you propose and I would be interested in hearing more. My name is Gustav Narerl and I am a businessman. Engelish isn't not my first language so I am apologising for any errors. My mother says it is good, but I sometimes I think she is being too kind. I specialise in Endoscopy Equipments and this has made me very much rich. But it is a very foolish man who ignores a chance for ever greater riches, no? The Inter-net is such a wonderful thing to be making this possible.

Please to be informing me what I am needing to do to claim this impressive sum of money you are so kindly offering me. However, I recently had a bad experience with a similar offer to the one you have just given me. This unkind person was running off with all my money and I could do nothing about it. Nevertheless, I sense there is something very trustworthy about you and your story is ringing true with me. I am being grateful that you have chosen me for this and would like some way to repay you.

Please get back to me on this address with more details of what you are require for the transaction to occur. Here are the details you sent :

REF Number: ICB/231-ILGI0431/06

BATCH No:

EOS/15/096/TVFS

TICKET No:20511465463-7655

SERIAL No:472-9768-79

LUCKY

No:8-66-97-22-65-55

Please be getting back to me soon with details of how I can collect my winnings!

Gustav Narerl

This drew a tedious reply, which is far too dull to post here. Basically, fill in these (possibly spyware filled) forms, send them back, let us raid your bank account.
My second reply :
(The start is the same as the first one because this was to a different person, and I didn't want to waste what I'd written!)

Hello!

My name is Gustav Narerl and I am a businessman. Engelish isn't not my first language so I am apologising for any errors. My mother says it is good, but I sometimes I think she is being too kind. I specialise in Endoscopy Equipments and this has made me very much rich. But it is a very foolish man who ignores a chance for ever greater riches, no? The Inter-net is such a wonderful thing to be making this possible.

I have been told that you are my legal representative on this most important matter - are you a real lawyer like in "Martial Law", that programme on the Tele-Vision about a lawyer who does martial arts? If you too do martial arts, all the better.

Anyway, since Engelish is not my first language I am not sure what you require me to do to get these riches. Please help me understand what you need from me so my money can be deposited.

Gustav Narerl

This drew one final automated reply, and I was fed-up with talking to machines so I sent :

Hello!

I am thinking this is an automated reply. I am wanting to talk to an actual human being, not a machine like in that film "2001 - A Space Odyssey". That was a scary film but I missed the ending. Does it contain more apes?

You say I need to fill in a CLAIM FORM but I do not know where to find such a device. And what would I need to fill in? Surely my numbers I sent you are proof enough that I am the winner! I want to add to my wealth in the bank already!

Please get back to me with details of where I can find the CLAIM APPLICATION FORM!!1

Gustav Narerl

Alas, no reply since. Their loss I think.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Pilot

Today we have Episode 1 of the unbelievably incredible Captain MS Paint!
Firstly, a quick character recap :

Our heroes are Paint and Pad (ofcourse), IE and Steam are incompetent while Adobe and Norton are positively evil. Hence the red eyes and all.
Now, on with Episode 1!

Please post if you would like to see Captain MS Paint continue or not. Thankyou and goodnight!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Hundred

ENTRY #100

Yes, it's been 50 entries since we last looked out at City 17 and wondered about the blog. Since then there was some big explosion and people seem to be fleeing. Some scientist bloke is busy reading stuff over the broadcast system and these weird escape pods are flying out of the citadel. Can't possibly figure out why.
Anyhoo, for today we're going to have a brief vote on the best entry so far. Vote in the comments if you would be so good, for first, second and third place. Results will be announced soon...

Contender #1 : Gem

"A postmodern look at the world we live in today, Gem is essential reading to understand our neighbours across the Atlantic." - Ruth Kelly.

Option #2 : Death

"This moving piece really gets to the heart of what it means to be have been a superhero in such turbulent times, and as such I thank Mkzrj for his impartial look on one of the legends of our time." - R Kelly or something.

Choice #3 : Hitman

"A fascinating rare glimpse into one of the lesser-accepted cultural niches, anyone who is anyone must read this." - David Bickham (not David Beckham).

Entry #4 : Change

"Surely this is the greatest sales talk ever? How anyone could ever resist the allures of this advert is frankly beyond me, along with opening my back door without assistance." - George W Bush in a colourful turn of words.

Whatsit #5 : Guest

"I think it is safe to say Angus Wellington's star is in the ascendant. That's good isn't it?" - Fraudster.

Decision #6 : First & Second

"An epic look at gaming through-out the ages compiled by some of our leading comtemporaries. They know far more about gaming than, say, Alison Graham of the Radio Times." - The Great Gooosho'lfnh.

Thingwhat #7 : Stalker

"How dare you?" - Producers of Stalker : Shadow of Chernobyl.

Number #8 : Council

"None of this is in the slightest bit true and we are considering suing you. We don't even exist anyway!" - Illuminati Spokesman.


Monday, September 11, 2006

Legend

Near the dawn of time, there was a machine born in a far away planet that was perpetually scorched by terrible weather, lightning and natural disasters. Holy men and people with nothing better to do who merely wanted a place in the history books gathered around the cradle/robot factory as the Ubertron emerged.


Before anyone got a proper glimpse - one bystander described the Ubertron as "like Dick Cheney in a sexy suit" in these brief seconds - the Ubertron activated his genital lamp and holy light burst forth, illuminating the clearing. High above their ravaged planet clouds swirled and lightning forked down, but the people watching this incredible occasion were luckily under cover. The Ubertron then told them about his other attachments, including an egg whisk and something for getting coins out of sofas.

The Ubertron was unsure about the origin of his creation, but he was certain someone must have programmed the otherwise stupid machines inside to stop making cars for a minute and turn their stupid yellow selves to something more worthwhile. Someone in the public wanted to draw the Ubertron and preserve him for all time, but the great robot did not want to turn out his crotch light. Some claim the Ubertron was insecure.

"Lo!" cried the Ubertron Mk I, "Those who will make pictures and stuff off me will be rewarded. But only if their pictures are better than other pictures."
"But Great Ubertron!" cried a peasant as the great robot/wrestler/American Baseball Superstar started to walk away. "We do not know of your image! The light shining from your groinal socket is far too powerful for anyone to observe you!"
The Great Ubertron mused over this, but did not turn off the light. Instead, he issued a decree in such a loud voice it shook the lands and caused a single mountain goat to temporarily lose its footing.
"Then thou shalt imagine!" was the reply. "Create what you believe your Ubertron to be, and should one day someone recreate exactly what I look like, I will return and lift this miserable planet out of its miserable depths!"
"Why can't you do that now?" questioned another peasant.
There came a pause, which in some Gospels became known as the "Pause of the Capitalist" while Ubertron pondered this rather obvious question. Some blasphemers would later say this proved the Ubertron did not care about the population, and merely liked forfilling his own nutritional desires.
"I have to get to Starbucks before it closes," was the eventual reply, and then the Ubertron launched into the sky using rocket feet or something. Soon the Ubertron was visible as little but a star, his groinal lamp shining bright, outclassing all the lightning around him.
The populace gazed up into the sky as their hero sped away. Many were destroyed by the lightning in their folly when they decided to leave the cover, but it was worth it. Some realised this was likely to be the last time they would see the Ubertron, but they would certainly pass this epic tale down to their children and grandchildren.

They could only hope he did get to Starbucks intime, for his wrath would surely be terrible were he to miss out on a Caffé Americano.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Pets

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Crossword

If you're new to the blog, a proper introduction will be avaliable in a few days which is also the 100th entry. It will link to some of the greatest entries we've had, and also a vote for which you like the most. Anyway, on with today's entry...

Test your gaming and computing knowledge with our crossword! Most of the words are about one of those two topics, although there is a totally odd one now and then. If you're totally stuck on a particular clue, ask on the comments and you may recieve a tiny bit of help. Answers will come in about a week from now, and a small prize may or may go to whoever gets the most correct.
I would suggest either printing it off or simply copying it into a program such as paint and filling it in from there.
Finally, I would like to take far more credit for this than it due. I came up with some of the clues/words, but the majority of the clues/words and the design are thanks to Tomzorz.

Good luck to all!
Finally, how to enter. Send all the words you know to me by email or msn. If you don't have my e-mail address, mail me at narerl@hotmail.com
That's my side address if you didn't know. Anyway, happy crosswording!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Knife

If you're new to the blog, a proper introduction will be avaliable in a few days which is also the 100th entry. It will link to some of the greatest entries we've had, and also a vote for which you like the most. Anyway, on with today's entry...


You enter the Drawing Room. There are seven people standing around, and the general hum of conversation allows you to pick out a few choice words here and there, but nothing of particular interest. A few rooms away you can hear the clatter of dishes and the shouting of foreign chefs as the food is prepared for dinner. You decide to take this opportunity to talk to some of the guests and get to know them better. One man is lounging in a luxurious chair, swilling a glass of shandy. He has a hat on and looks affectionately at the old hunting rifle on one wall. You remember this man is Lord Barnacle-Smythe, and the host of the party.
"Those were the days," he recalls, noticing your interest. You discover he speaks in an outrageously aristocratic English accent. "I hunted every damned thing in Africa, what-what! Elephants, Rhinos, Humpback Whales...all those blighters!"
You nod in agreement and ask about the party.
"Oh, it was just to get together with some old friends, you know, and maybe settle a few odd scores," he says, glancing at the glamorous blonde on the other side of the room. "The chefs tell me the meal should be ready shortly, as a matter of fact, pip pip and all that," he finishes, before mumbling something about the African apartheid system. You leave him to his inane ramblings and cross the room towards the attractive blonde.
She is staring out the window at a sewer being dug up nearby.
"Haven't seen you around before..." she says quietly, sliding up to you. "You look like just the kind of man to...ahem...clean my pipes," she adds in a sexy voice.
You ask if she has an interest in plumbing. That would explain why she's watching the sewer workers.
She looks derailed. "Not at all, I only meant that maybe after the dinner we could...do the mystery dance?"
The blonde woman waggles her eyebrows. You inform her that you're not a very good dancer and she sighs. Her attention is then diverted by something apparently more interesting than you and you decide to speak to one of the other guests. Sitting near the back wall is a rather flamboyant looking man. You ask him what he's doing here.
"I'm a lion tamer," he says, twirling his silky black moustache. You quietly wonder whether it's fake. "I'm an old...friend of Lord Barnacle's, shall we say? We've worked together a long time, and certainly have similar interests. I wish he hadn't invited that blonde though. We...don't get on."
You smile and withdraw.


A bell rings, announcing the meal is ready. You realise there are still four people you haven't talked to - a rich looking woman, an old woman, a doctor holding some kind of probing tool and an immensly fat man you spot immediately waddling over to the buffet. You all take your seats and you are about to strike up a conversation with someone. Suddenly the lights go out and the room is plunged into darkness. Someone screams, because this is required in such situations. Moments later the light is restored. The attractive blonde woman is slumped over the table, a knife in her back. Everyone gasps and the rich-looking woman puts a handkerchief over her mouth in disgust.

Part 2 of the incredible cliched murder-mystery soon!
Feel free to post any questions or comments, but soon there will be a proper way to learn more about what is happening...

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Prey

Prey : A review.

The basic plot is thus. You are a Native American who has the nickname Tommy. You don't believe in "any of that shit" your old tribal grandfather talks about. Your girlfriend works in a bar and you go to visit her one time. The game starts you off in a toilet cubicle and that nicely sets the "organic" feel for the rest of the game. Upon finding two men being vaguely rude to your girlfriend, you smash their heads in with a wrench. That is the first bit of combat in the game. Then a huge load of aliens come and start abducting people - apparently for the hell of it. You, your girlfriend and your grandfather are all sucked onto the ship. A strange creature on the ship sets you free shortly, you find a weapon, and you proceed to tear ass in every way you can.
The first weapon you get is this pop-gun rifle thing, which for a standard weapon is pretty good. It can either rapid fire or use a sniper scope, a welcome addition in some of the bigger areas. It is by far the most common weapon you use and also the most common your enemies use. The standard troop makes up around 90% of the enemies in the game.


One section came where human prisoners are swung into line in front of a big machine. The machine then hurls spikes and huge metal tubes through the prisoners (rather like the Matrix human-pods, but FAR more brutal), showering blood everywhere. Once they are thoroughly dead and perforated, the machine withdraws, does something weird to the human involving gas, then the next unfortunate soul is swung into place. I must admit I watched this bit for several minutes. I choose to pretend I was seeing how many different human models they'd programmed into the game.

PREY's big selling points are the gravity/scale changing, and the scale of some of the set-pieces. On both counts it succeeds admirably, delivering both mind-boggling puzzles and awe-inspiring areas in which you can do battle. More than once though I was stumped for a brief period while working out which wallwalk was the right one, or which portal I should pop through next. Some of the puzzles - particularly the "Cube puzzle" - are inspired, and these add a lot of longevity to the game.
Shown below is the "Crawler", the Prey equivalent of a grenade. You rip off its legs and hurl it - seconds later it will then explode. Brutal fun. Inside the glass case is a tiny planetoid which you later get shrunk down and teleported onto!


The weapons are perfect in my opinion, although the Hunter Rifle (the first weapon) is too powerful. In the sniper mode it kills all normal enemies with a single headshot while a couple of shots can bring down thougher opponents.
Now a section on my favourite weapon - The Leech Gun.

The Four Flavours of Ownage


Clockwise from top left :

Ice
I almost never used this one. When it froze enemies, instead of making them into ice like one would except it seemed to turn them into creature-shaped balls of clingfilm. Which then vanished. Strange but useful in a tough situation.

Plasma
The most common Leech Gun option and the one I used most until the later two upgrades became avaliable. Fires red plasma. Kicks butt. That's about all there is to it.

Sunbeam
This only comes in right at the end of the game and is far, far too powerful. Tears through anything in moments and is particularly useful when fighting off dozens of "bosses" at the same time.

Electric
The third upgrade which you find around the time of the plane crash. I thought this was the most powerful until the Sunbeam arrived, and one only uses the blasts sparingly because there are only half a dozen avaliable. On the upside, they kill or severely damage most things.

One particularly inventive bit sees the aliens opening a portal right in front of an jet on Earth. The passenger liner flies through and suddenly finds itself in the alien's sphere. It crashes a second later and tentacles from the soft, gooey mush that makes up most of that place wrap around it. Later on your also find a schoolbus that somehow got teleported up in addition to various other relics from Earth.
The voices are generally acceptable but not brilliant. The best dialogue in the game comes near the end when something particularly bad has happened and almost every enemy you kill illicits a "Die you fuckers!" or "Yeah! Die!". Entertainment at its finest.


The bosses are strange because they get worse the further through the game you go. The first boss I really like. The second boss is too laughably bizarre to consider a threat. The third boss is basically just a load of smaller enemies, and the final boss I could hardly work out what the hell was going on. You spend two minutes shooting this spinning sphere thing while it doesn't attack you at all, and then everything goes strange and green and your mission is to destroy a glowing blue chair. Apparently.
There is a huge change around half way through the game. Things suddenly get far, far harder. Instead of meeting nothing but Hunters you're suddenly attacked by these flying bastards and the "Vagina Monsters" as I named them. Why? Because they pop out of this :


and crawl back in again if you hurt them too much. Add the doors that look like flaring colons and you've got a game not for the faint of heart. But a great game nevertheless.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Council

Illuminati Meeting Minutes
6th September, 2006
Society Council Meeting

Members Present :

President Master of the Command of the Holy Saviour
Lord Esquire the Renowed Librarian of the Lord
Councillor Chief Devine Hero Worshipper of Destiny
Councillor Grand Exhalted Saviour Protector
Councillor Guardian of the Messiah Descendents
Work Experience guy from nearby school

New Business :

The Windows
Councillor Chief Devine Hero Worshipper of Destiny expressed the opinion that there weren't enough stained-glass windows in the Holy Headquarters of Holydom. He was reminded by Councillor Guardian of the Messiah Descendents that their budget barely covered strange albino men in cloaks who menaced University professors, let alone expensive furnishings. Councillor Chief Devine Hero Worshipper of Destiny was then strangely quiet for the remainder of the proceedings as so often happens when someone puts him down.

Campaign
Lord Esquire the Renowed Librarian of the Lord asked how the current leaflet campaign was going. Councillor Grand Exhalted Saviour Protector informed him that they currently had a 62% rate of success when trying to deliver their "Christ's descendants are not among us today! Honestly!" leaflets. Councillor Chief Devine Hero Worshipper of Destiny informed the rest of the Holy Gathering that the printing press wanted to charge them more now because people were complaining about it being a blight on their community. President Master of the Command of the Holy Saviour assured the other members he would shortly smite the unbelievers.

Blasphemy
Work Experience guy from nearby school raised the crudely-worded question of "what the bloody hell is going on here?". He was promptly sacrificed to the Holy Overseer of the Proceedings, President Master of the Command of the Holy Saviour. For he is Holy.

Traps
President Master of the Command of the Holy Saviour informed his Holy brethren about the new traps in the Holy Headquarters. Funding for the Holy automatic intruder crucifixion system was approved by the Holy Treasurer of the Holy Lord's Holy Funds and several swinging maces had also been put in place. Councillor Chief Devine Hero Worshipper of Destiny complained briefly at this point, explaining that no-one had told him about the new traps and he'd cut his arm. To ensure the Vampires of Atheism did not attack him to leech off his pure blood, President Master of the Command of the Holy Saviour gave him a small vial of holy water.

Old Business :

Public Image
At the previous Illuminati Council meeting, Lord Esquire the Renowed Librarian of the Lord had suggested that they try to improve their image with the public. It seemed that most people thought the Illuminati were scruffy, paedophilic sorts like many religious clergymen. And while many of our fellow Holy Brethren have dabbled in such things, it was not good for the public image. Councillor Grand Exhalted Saviour Protector added that he was trying to enlist the service of one "50 Cent" to improve our image.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Preview

The blog is back! Note the balloons on the right - this is a special occasion and under normal circumstances there is no excuse for such frivolity. Except in the case of the Common room record player, which was comic gold.
Tomorrow with the beginning of regular entries we will be paying a visit to that most illusive of secret sects, the Illuminati! But until then, a little teaser about what we have in store over the next few weeks.

Firstly, an upcoming cartoon.
As has been mentioned before there is a near endless supply of comedy that can be had by making fun of blind USA patriotism and its results. Hence the flags shown below in the text represent a fair interpretation of such views. This is just a disclaimer because I have a horrible recurring nightmare about some moron coming on and complaining that I'm discriminating or some such nonsense while strapping Bob Dole to his kneecaps. Weird.

A brief plot outline :
Set inside cyberspace, it follows our two wholesome heroes as they fight the evil and incompetent programs that litter the web like used condoms. Except less useful.
More detailed character info coming soon. The cartoon is a pretty accurate reflection of what I think about various programs. As it says I still haven't produced a picture in Paint for IE yet, but that'll certainly be done by the time of the actual comics.

Anyway, with that said, most entries will still be the normal mix of vaguely surreal reports about this and that interspersed with reviews (PREY review coming on Thursday once I take the final screenshot I need). Also, a tentative release date for this next stunning piece of work is Monday 18th. The word "tentative" is very, very important here. Look it up and write a 500 page essay on it if you are unsure.


Next-to-last, there's also going to be a multi-part incredibly-cliched murder mystery starting soon. FINALLY, we will also be having a feature about the handwriting feature on MSN Messenger. Specifically, the battle of the Ubertrons. If you want yours to be displayed, draw an "Ubertron" and send it to me. Interpret the Ubertron legend however you will, but mostly likely is some kind of robot.