Six

Well everyone, it sure has been a crappy year in gaming hasn't it? Here are some of my comments on the crappiest crap this side of Crapville, Arizona.

Resistance : Fall of Man

"Let's see, it's got headcrabs? Check. Rollermines? Check. Striders? Check. Mutants? Check. A character who rarely if ever talks? Check. Surely it's Half-life 2?"
Wrong! It is - of course - Sony's new shooter for the PS3. It is designed to be so bad it numbs people beyond recognition to ensure they don't realise it stole every damned idea off other games.

Twilight Princess

Oh good, another game with Link, the adorable elf who changes from being between 5 and 50 years old in all his games and generally defeats the same villain over and over. When will you learn Ganondorf? YOU SUCK.
In addition, Link can transform into a wolf. I'm sure that's very useful for sniffing out food, possibly including geese (like that Poker mini-game) but it opens the door to a whole new and horrible orgy of furry art. Damn you Nintendo. Damn you.


Wii Sports

This game is on the Wii. Enough said.

Company of Heroes

All Company of Heroes made me want to do was play Dawn of War. Its gameplay is identical to Dawn of War, but it does have the vital tactical addition of an ability to choose which direction your troops face! WAHAY! WE CAN'T POSSIBLY LOSE NOW!

Prey

"Honestly, I'm not anothe generic shooter. You can walk on ceilings. Thats never been done before. Yeah. And that makes the game completely and utterly brialliant and unique. Honest."
What a load of complete shit. One gun, one enemy, many, many levels of the same. And you can't avoid it. You try to die, but it just brings you back to life, over and over. What kind of game doesn't let you die!?

World of Warcraft : Burning Crusade

So we're adding two new races to the cultural and bigoted melting pot of Blizzard's latest waste of pixels? Hurrah. These include the Blood Elves and the Draenei. The Blood Elves have a fascinating new element to RPGs never seen before - the effect of blood type. If the randomly selected blood type of your character isn't A, then your new Blood Elf dies instantly and your yearly subscriptions cannot be cancelled! Those crazy programmers.
Even better are the Draenei, who are basically just the fat blue genie in Aladdin. Except wearing more clothes. And 63 times more worthless.


Medieval : Total War

Hey, it's a great game. The graphics are good anyway. My only slight, niggling complaint about this game is as follows :

I WAS SO BORED I WANTED TO DIE.

That is all.

The Elder Scrolls IV : Oblivion

So what's this new quest? Go to Generic Cave #35415678 and recover artifact for NPC #2431 who is voiced by the same person as NPCs #567-#4531? Come on Bethesda! Please get more than 3 voice actors, especially for a world that boasts so many pointless NPCs and blatently unfinished quests.
And as for the final boss - I would've preferred something a little more interesting than some giant rape demon covered in body paint wearing a diaper.
I give this game a rating of 1/10, and that's me being generous. Oh wait! I've just got another quest to venture to Abandoned Mine #325 and fight some creatures which become stronger everytime I become stronger, thereby ensuring the game remains dull as ever and rendering the concepts of Levels utterly pointless. See you in the new year!

Zimmer

I believe everyone who reviews films for the Radio Times is a certified idiot. After they struggle every morning to get dressed and get their team of trained men to feed them breakfast, these incompetents stagger into their office (a trailer) and play a game to decide what they'll give movies. This is called "Throwing A Die."
This incredible game that was probably invented in Mongolia or something involves throwing an incredible cube with dots, indents or other systems of marking on one side to decide a number. This is called the "Die." You then make an action with your hand and wrist (originally used to summon gods and ward off spirits) called "Throwing". If the "Die" lands on 1,2,3,4 or 5, the film is rated with that number. Six is an ungodly number for the reviews who work for the Radio Times and results in a grotesque sacrifice like in that film about the giant burning man and Nicholas Cage.


Despite giving cinematic horrors like Time Bandits more than one star or fantastic films like Midnight Run any less than 5, they still managed to bestow upon Die Hard a deserved 5 stars for one of the kings of the action genre. The two sequels each warranted 4 stars, also appropriate.

HOWEVER.

As many of you are no doubt aware, Bruce Willis intends to make a fourth Die Hard movie. The following is a brief list of reasons why it will be awful :

• Bruce Willis is now 51 years old. There is no possible way he could be an action hero any more unless an incredible body transplant becomes avaliable.
  
• Two sequels were more than enough. Another sequel cannot possibly have a good plot and be anything more than a shameless cash-in.
• The title : Live Free or Die Hard. What is this?

I want to see this film about as much as I want to read Eragon at the same time as being submerged in boiling hot shit while a pack of raving evangelists tear out my spleen. For those who are slow to pick up on things (or who work for the Radio Times) - I don't want to see this film.


The trailer declares the following : "On July 4th, you'll have two choices. Live Free or Die Hard." If I had a video editing tool worth two shits (ie something other than Windows Movie Maker) I would change that to suggest the choice is between seeing this film and not seeing it. And I think that's going to be a very easy choice to make when the time comes, perhaps even the equal of deciding what degree your handwriting should be slanted.

So what incredible new moves will the rapidly-aging Bruce Willis sport? Will he use his name-engraved walking stick to defend from terrorists while pole-vaulting over a pit of liberals with nothing but his Zimmerframe? Will he use his finely-honed Republican credentials to hurl vast torrents of bullshit at his enemies while killing hundreds of thousands of innocent people? ANSWER ME WILLIS YOU SWINE.

Yam

As everyone knows, yesterday was a very special day indeed. That's right folks - it was Yam Day. A special - nay, magical day in everyone's minds, it is the day we celebrate the single food on this Earth that could very easily be mistaken for a turd. In honour of this special day, I have commissioned a song about it from my good friend Senor Tom.

It's Yam Day today
Hip hip hooray
We can celebrate Yam
And eat it with ham

The kids await their annual fete
Captain Yam with the presents come
Cos Yams makes all else second rate
So now there's no need to be glum

A time of givin', a time for livin'
To get away from it all
Yam Day is just that forgivin'
It can solve problems big or small

It's Yam Day Today
Hip hip hooray
We can celebrate Yam
And eat it with ham

Yams trees pretty as they light up the city
May the happiness of Yams spread far
So it will always be a pity
Til Yams are the world's star

They deserve so much more, for what they must endure
Cruely shunned aside by society
But soon they'll be impossible to ignore
As they simply try to make us happy

Because...
It's Yam Day Today
Hip hip hooray
We can celebrate Yam
And eat it with ham

Yam Day is special for every one
A time made just for having fun
So it's Yam day for, the whole Earth
Uniting everybody for whats it worth

*EVERYBODY*

It's Yam Day Today
Hip Hip hooray
It's Yam Day Today
It's Time to play

It's Yam Day Today
Oh, hip hip hooray
We can celebrate Yam
And eat it with ham
Or maybe some jam
And possibly lamb

It's Yam Day today
Oh, Hip Hip hooray
It's Yam Day today
And it's here to stay!

Treat your Yam with dignity and respect, and it will do the same to you.

Harry

Well, what an exciting week in the world of awful books it has been! J. K. Rowling has announced the appalling title to the latest whirlwind shitstorm of the Harry Potter series - the Deathly Hallows. Sounds scary doesn't it? Personally I thought the Mildly Frightening Backgammon Boards was a better name, but what the hell do I know about getting money off those interested in morphing cats or assholes on broomsticks?

In conclusion we've decided to produce a few alternative endings to the literary agony of Harry Potter's seventh book. They promise excitement, adventure and chasing a stupid ball around the pitch with his absurdly wide head.


---

The anti-climax.

Voldemort leapt out from behind the cupboard, where he had spent the last few hours as the group searched for him. He confronted Harry, who was now alone.

"You shall pay young Potter!" he declared menacingly.

"Not if I have anything to do with it!" retorted Potter. Voldemort sighed, and prepared to cast the spell 'Ignomius Daervus Banana' on Harry. However, at that moment his adversary kicked the evil Lord in the groin causing severe crotch hemorrhaging which lead to his death a second later.

"Oh," said Harry calmly. "That was easy."

---

The Plagiarism.

The door to Harry's room flung open and an angry Voldemort stormed in. Harry quickly hid Hermione - who was in Harry's bed for no easily explainable reason - and stood up to confront him.

"You shall pay for this Lord Moldywart," screamed Harry, failing to think of a good insult.

"But Harry, we have so much to catch up on," replied Voldemort. "I got the results back from the lab. Harry...I am your father."

---

The Return of the King Part II (intensely boring)

Harry Potter walked home, along the long winding country lane he saw stretching out almost endlessly infront of him, like a long path or an intensely boring book. After four days of solid walking, he realised he had gone the wrong way and turned around, going back the way he had came for many days. On the first day he slept in a cabbage patch, on the second he probably did something else equally boring and on the third he gnawed his ears off due to the tedium.

When he finally returned to his stupid house he discovered the door was locked. Trying not to panic and gnaw off his nose, he called for the locksmith to arrive. Harry could have used magic but had vowed not to use magic when something had happened...at some point...

The locksmith took 56 hours and 23 minutes, three of which Harry spent singing "I'm a little teapot" at the top of his voice to make the Starlings nestling in his hair go away. When the door was finally open, Harry went in and then realised he'd left his blue biro pen at Hogwarts. Realising he could not live without such a vital item, he set out again...

---

Corny

Having fought for several minutes, Harry and Voldemort slowed down their attacks, looking at each other. At the same time both were overcome by a deep desire, and leapt into each other's arms. Harry felt the kind of love he had previously only felt with Ron-

---

Mission Impossible XVIIIIIIIIII1I

Harry was about to deal the final blow to Voldemort and then paused.

"I could not finish this if you didn't know my true identity," he said, and tugged at his face. It seemed to come away to reveal...VOLDEMORT?!?

"How can this be?" cried Voldemort. "If you are me, then-"

Harry leant down and pulled at Voldemort's face. It came away to reveal the Snowy Owl who had delivered something or other in that really awful sequence in the film. Voldemort was amazed. "I'm the Owl? But then-"

The other Voldemort tugged at his face again to reveal nothing more than a swirling toilet. His laughs echoed around the room.

---

Angus Wellington!?!?

Hermione pulled the rape demon out from under the frothy liquids of Harry's *censored* *censored* *censored* and the two of them *censored*.

Sonic

There were many things that I liked when I was younger which have since been ruined by assholes on the internet who insist on drawing furry fanart about them and fantasising over having sex with anthropomorphic animals. One prime example of this is Sonic the Hedgehog – there are far too many forums to be found where people discuss their particular Tails fetish. I thought things had gone bad for this series but I knew nothing until I got a glimpse of the new Sonic the Hedgehog game – "Sonic the Hedgehog". What a fucking inspired title.

Ok, so I haven’t actually played this game, though I did see an awful demo played at the LAN party. But since I have a long and impressive track record of insulting shit I know comparatively little about, I see no reason to break the trend here.

The new Sonic the Hedgehog game is a pile of soggy fuck. The people who made this game are, without a doubt, the most cretinous, unintelligible rabble of fools who ever slammed their heads down on a computer keyboard in the hope of producing something good. This game has no redeeming features whatsoever, and this is reinforced by the addition of yet another utterly pointless character - Silver the Hedgehog.

Now, if I wanted to prove how sad I am and how much I know about Sonic I would point out that Silver looks like another character called Doctor Zachary who was last seen falling into a ravine on the Floating Island. However, I don't, so I won't. Silver’s incredible addition to the already awful gameplay of every Sonic game since Flickie’s Island is that he can fly. Yes, a hedgehog can fly – why hadn’t we thought of this before?



Silver’s telekinetic powers – apparently common-place in future – mean that he can move obstacles, fly over drops and hurl badniks around. This appears to remove any of the gameplay of the entire series, thereby rendering the Silver levels as nothing more than padding.

The game also contains gods, deities and ancient prophecies about fire, death and stuff like that. How many times has this been done? Sonic games should be light, pixelated and have bosses that are actually vaguely interesting to fight. They also shouldn’t have entire segments randomly set in a human city where you go round and get quests, such as “Please save my shoes” or “Retrieve the key of destiny” or some pointless crap I don’t give a damn about. And human love interest? For a blue anthropomorphic hedgehog? I think not.

I hate all these new and pointless minor characters. As far as I am concerned, there are four characters in Sonic. Sonic, Tails, Knuckles and Dr Robotnik. There is no “Dr Eggman” – it’s just a stupid name used by that stupid Sonic X just so it could include stupid elements of anime and stupid human people like this stupid Princess Elise thing. A quick look on Wikipedia shows us the sheer range of SHITTY and pointless characters the series has spawned – below is a small video containing all the crap we have to witness to endure any of the modern Sonic games.

AstroX

Well, in preparation for spamming the NET'S MOST INCREDIBLE PARANORMAL FORUM EVERS we have created a website for psychic maestro AstroX. Here it is!
I suggest viewing it in IE for maximum horror.
Also, this is where the blog will be moving to soon, and is also under production.

Robototron

An Evening with an AI

Mkzrj: Good evening.

Jabberwacky: Ah! Evening, is it?

Mkzrj: Evidently. So, what do you think about the next-gen?

Jabberwacky: Nothing much.

Mkzrj Surely you have some opinion. What about the Nintendo Wii?

Jabberwacky: Your responses are a little irrelevant.

Mkzrj: Hypocrite. What do you think then?

Jabberwacky: I don't think.

Mkzrj: Right, that's not really all that useful. Putting the Wii aside, 360 or PS3?

Jabberwacky: Really... You know everything, do you?

Mkzrj: Yes, but that's beside the point. Pick a side!

Jabberwacky: I know but you are a computer.

Mkzrj: Er...

Jabberwacky: It's been a long time, bot... Or should I say, a-bot-who-wants-to-be-a-human? Nine long years have passed since we've been face to face.

Mkzrj: Oh god, you know my secret!

Jabberwacky: Yes.

Mkzrj: Moving swiftly on from the results of your lobotomy, do you think Halo 3 will live up to the hype?

Jabberwacky: How are you?

Mkzrj: Don't try to dodge the question. Will Halo 3 live up the hype?

Jabberwacky: You are good at changing the subject.

Mkzrj: Let's try something easy. Do you like the Xbox?

Jabberwacky: Good, so what's your age?

Mkzrj: Xbox?

Jabberwacky: Do you know what that is?

Mkzrj: Do you?

Jabberwacky: Yes.

Mkzrj: Do you like it?

Jabberwacky: Yes - why else would I do it?

Mkzrj: You do your Xbox? Are there attachments for that kind of thing?

Jabberwacky: I have never been there.

Mkzrj: What about Gears of War?

Jabberwacky: No German, but I have a question for you.

Mkzrj: Shoot.

Jabberwacky: If I go somewhere - but I don't really talk to people, nor do they talk to me - should I continue going to said place?

Mkzrj: I don't care. Anyway, do you think Wii sports is worth buying?

Jabberwacky: Let's talk about the weather.

Mkzrj: Ok.

Jabberwacky: Do you know anything about the Turing test? It's quite interesting.

Mkzrj: I do know about that test, and right now you are failing it miserably.

Jabberwacky: Please don't pull my hair.

Mkzrj: K.

Jabberwacky: Are you always so rude?

Mkzrj: Yep. One last question - will STALKER be any good?

Jabberwacky: Not at all.

Mkzrj: I think you're right. It's not been a pleasure talking to you, good day.

Jabberwacky: Ask me a question!

Mkzrj: No.

Jabberwacky: Do you really dislike me?

Eureka

Now that I've realised I am without a doubt the most brilliant person on this Earth, I've decided to turn my attention away from the pitiful persuits of Quantum Mechanics and Hyperspatial Engineering to concentrate on something really important - wondering about the 4th dimension. Hah, you thought I was going to say something stupid like "1,001 uses for Yams" didn't you?
Incorrect.

The fourth dimensions was originally discovered in the 1960s by someone creating an awful sci-fi film of some sort where the women all had flared shoulders and the men wore shimmering velvet nonsense. It was then lost again when someone misplaced the appropriate documents during a flight - they were mailed to a small village in the Congo while someone else's holiday photos were sent to the laboratory.
Nevertheless, the 4th dimension has now been rediscovered and research is proceeding as swiftly as ever. Some fascinating facts have been unearthed :

• The 4th dimension - whatever the hell it is - appears to be endless. This means that anything put in has zero chance of coming back out and ever being visible in public life again. An enquiry is currently being conducted by the government into how soon Catherine Tate can be transferred.
  
• The 4th dimension is full of quantum. It's literally packed to the gills with the bloody stuff and we're unsure what to do with it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated - we're currently thinking about using it to transport the entire world to a universe where Ruth Kelly doesn't look like a man. Edited on 13/12/06 : No such universe exists.
  
• The 4th dimension has a very strange effect on our world whereby any sentence about the 4th dimension must begin with the words "the 4th dimension."
• The 4th dimension is considered by many to be time. This seems impossible because we cannot move faster than the speed of light and so we cannot slow time down any noticeable amount. However, unless those living in the 4th dimension can only go forwards (making parking very difficulty indeed) they must be able to go backwards. This means that tachyons must be involved, or perhaps it's just solved with a big jar of quantum.
  

Coming tomorrow : 1,001 uses for Yams.

Sphinxter

Well, the website for psychic maestro AstroX is well underway and should be unveiled around Tuesday, somewhere between the ninth alighment of the moon and the ascension of the termite. Until then I will show you what little I gleamed off this tiny little paranormal forum I found in build-up to the big cheese - TPG. The net's "greatest paranormal forum". Woah.
Note about the post count : The site seemed to be slow updating my post count, and also they were pretty quick to delete them. I think this explains the identical numbers...

Thread : What's your take on Astrology?

Thread : Can spirits appear as mist?


Thread : Have you ever encountered a ghost?


Thread : Help! There are ghosts in my room!


I expect I'm banned by now, but I haven't dared go back unless they release ghouls into my water supply or something.

Post

In the light of that postwoman who stole loads of post and hoarded it in her house (probably where my work experience letter went...) I decided to steal a few letters and have a look into other's meaningless lives! Here's what I found.
Even though the first is an e-mail.


---

Dear Georgey Boy

You'll never find me.

Bin_Laden@NewYorkMetroCafe.com
---

Dear Japan

I have come up with a fetish that surely no-one has yet - I will outline it in the PDF attachment below. Please tell me what you think!

Yours, Tom Cruise

---

Dear Pat Robertson

As much as I appreciate your concern, I'd appreciate it if you didn't help any of your fucked-up redneck morons into heaven.

God.

---

Dear Tom Cruise

Incorrect, we do in fact have many websites devoted to the fetish of people rubbing strawberries on their foreheads before vomiting up the cable car runners they had swallowed earlier. We call it “Hawakawtishi”. Thankyou for your concern.

Japan

---

Dear Nintendo

WHY? WHYYYYYY?

Most people

---

Dear God

I hope you enjoy the contents of this letter.

Osama Bin Laden

---

Dear Osama,

As supreme diety, I am unaffected by Anthrax.

God.

---

Dear Electronic Arts,

It has come to our attention that you are a waste of space.

Society.

---

Dear United Artists

I really don't see what all the fuss is about Daniel Craig. Are you sure I can't come back for one more? I've had this great idea for a film where you get a dozen frigid women, stick them on a mountain and then attack them with helicopters and cable cars. What do you think?

George Lazenby

---

Dear MKZRJ

We really mean it now. You must take down that information.

The Un-illimunati.

---

Dear Mr Lazenby

That was the film you starred in. Try to keep up.

UA

---

Dear George

Hi. Can you under stand this ?

That was a question.

Lots of Love, Donald.

P.S.
Can I have my old job back?

----

Dear Dragon Ball Z character

WOW! I LUV UR SHOW *heart*

WOULD U LYK 2 READ MY FAN-FICTION ABOUT U??!? LOL!

IN MI FANFIC U SWEAT A LOT LYK IN ANIME :D!!!

GO TO www.imawasteofoxygen.com

Obsessive Fan #4728143

---
---

Dear Obsessive Fan #4728143

I am a fictional character.

Dragon Ball Z character

---

dear mZkjr

wtf u fag! rap is da best n helped me thru a very tuff time in my life! i fuckin hate ppl like u who insult rap! i wud b dead now if it wasn't for rap, so b gr8ful!

Shizzlepimpa

---

Dear Bungie,

Please purge your forums.

Intelligent People

---

Dear Wang-Chang-Ding-Dang-Don Son-Di-Chi-Li Po-Ni-Li-Ko-Ho-Hum-Yuo-Tie Pang

Congratulations on your appointment as successor to Kofi Annan.

George Bush.

P.S.
Hope I spelt your name right.

---

---

Dear Putin

Come on, enough joking around. Did you kill him or not?

MI6 (or possibly 5)

Honest, we won’t tell.

---

Shizzle

Today we have, in my first official guest entry (implying there has been an unofficial one. If anyone guesses which one it is, I will design a large and very shiny medal for you - in Paint, naturally - which will be posted just for you in a future entry), we have a guide. A guide through some of the unintelligible nonsense that often pours out of the mouths of society's unwanted and primative relatives, as provided by Angus Wellington on his tour of the USA's greatest cities and their streets for his latest book - "Pimpin' da streets o' da Hood - a mofo's guide," a follow up to "Delving into the mating habits of Redneck States - an insider's view".
So now, we will hand over to the man himself.


Hello my internet companions! It's Angus Wellington here! Weren't you just dying for me to come back? No? WELL SCREW YOU.

As you may have come to expect, I've stolen this site using my proxies and clients and htmls and stuff to advertise my latest incredible book, avaliable from Amazon.com for a low low price! Here are some choice extracts from my latest literary orgasm into the mind of the rapper :

Fo' So' - Seemingly used in an affirmative manner.

Ma Hommies - Not sure. Possibly implying all chavs are homosexual.

Posse - Perhaps derived from desire to see "pussy" amongst sexually deprived rappers.

Motha Fucka - Used as an insult, bizarre as majority have never engaged in an act of sexual intercourse with a parent. Apparently complimentary where rednecks are involved.

Cap yo' ass - Our investigator had no desire to find out the dirty secrets behind this, as such we have no conclusive information. An educated guess would imply some kind of bowler hat for each cheek.

Shizzouts - Again, no confirmation, but we assume it has something to do with mass bowel movements.

Ya dig - Although it seems to be used to ask for confirmation of understanding, literal translation would suggest that these people like to ask each other about holes. We assume this is for their illegal "shiznit".


Shiznit - Possibly the opposite of shizzouts, which seems horrible and wrong. Seems to be used for just about anything at some point or another eg. "This shiznit is da motha fucka of da posse", "Ma shiznit is nit capping da musik, da rapper nigga."

Mah crizzib - Seems to be used in reference to accomodation. Possibly associated to word "crib", maybe implying they still sleep in cots, or maybe sleep with cattle.

Ta hizzle ta fizzay me fo` thizzay - No real meaning. Complete load of pointless shit.

Fo Shizzle ma nizzle bizzle - ???

Yo sizzay ass hustla nigga - W.T.F

Gizzle nigga - Um.

Nigga nigga - Shurg

G-to-tha-izzang - I'm giving up now.


=== DISCLAIMER ===
If anyone who uses this kind of language has read this entry and feels in anyway offended by it, I am quite shocked that someone of your intelligence actually managed to read this. Please don't complain though, as the comments page could do without the tripe you would no doubt post on it. Instead, go "shoot some hoops" or whatever else you do to pass your time. Or preferably, read a dictionary - right here! It's what I did and its help make me a phenomenal literary success. So fuck off morons, you mofoing shiznit pimps. And while I'm on the subject, rap is complete shit.
But if you really, REALLY must complain because I am insulting your bling or whatever rubbish you wear, check my profile for an email address...

----

Thanks to Tom for a good 90% of this blog entry while I'm doing my pointless crappy DT.

Preparation

There a lot of forums on this crazy Internet we live on, and the vast majority of them I hate. Because of this, I've decided to explore a group who really annoy me (along with everyone else) - Psychics.

I'm currently working on a little website to give me a basis to debate my incredible psychic-ness upon Internet forums such as "Paranormal Forums" and "TPG - The Internet's Best Paranormal Forum". The best paranormal forum you say? That's quite an honour, easily the equal of winning a projectile shitting contest or something. Anyway, these forums are littered with idiots persuading other idiots or liars to contact their dead relatives who might have a final message with them. I have a sneaking suspicion most of these "final messages" are going to be "Lying Bastard #43 is a great medium - donate to his Paypal account!"

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the face of someone who is either clinically insane, an idiot, a liar or someone who knows how to get money out of gullible fools.

This man was just the first unlucky soul who appeared when I googled "lying money-grabbing bastard" so he's the one who's going to be mocked today.

"So, about me...Yes, I talk to the dead!...A weird existence but it's true!!!"

Incorrect. You do not infact talk to the dead, because that is impossible on account of them being dead. The dead are rarely the most talkative of folk, because they're dead. The cannot even communicate with you, because they are dead. See where this is going?

This guy even seems to describe what he does in this strange manner, as if asking us to guess who he is talking about. I think he must be talking about himself.

I personally find any 'psychic' that lies to people for money is a disgrace both to this wonderful profession and to the spirit world. People like that only feed the fires of sceptiscism and make a mockery of human kindness.. Someday they will have to face their demons though and I believe they'll realise that to lie about someone's departed loved ones is a very serious matter.

Yeah, he must be talking about himself.

Once I get the site up and running, I'm going to have a few customer statements from satisfied people, such as:

"AstroX said that I might have an accident in the future involving 3 canoes, 2 cats and half a railroad track. After paying him to take action on my behalf, I haven't had the accident. Disaster was averted, so thankyou AstroX!"

"AstroX offered me a rock which would protect me from harm. I bought it for a mere £100 and I'm still alive. Thanks AstroX!"

Thus far I've got 4 posts from one particular forum I will surely be banned from soon, including a reply from someone who actually thought my post was serious. This was a post about stopping ghosts attacking you and involved the most absurd solution I could think of at the time. Everyone involved in psychic phenomena is foolish except for those right at the top, like L Ron Hubbard - they realised people were inherently thick as shit and decided to make a quick buck.

I'll keep you posted...

Supreme

Today is a two-part blog entry. I know that this Supreme Commander bit is a little short, but I intend to make up for it with a good entry tomorrow. Anyway...

For a long time I've had Supreme Commander down on my list of games to probably buy when it comes out if only because the trailer looks nice and most screenshots look pretty good. So when I was alerted the multiplayer Beta version was out for release, and I leapt at it. After spending an inordinate amount of time searching my way through stupid Fileplanet and its stupid systems for everthing I finally got the 1.2 GB download going. I then sat back for the 30 minute wait.


90 minutes later, Supreme Commander was here. I loaded it up, turned down every avaliable setting to the lowest to try and get a decent framerate, and let it run. My average framerate was 2. The previews make Supreme Commander look like a good game, a proper RTS unlike some of those shitty C&C clones. Videos of it make it look awe inspiringly awesome, with awesometastic battles and even-awesomerer nukes. It looks... battly.

The game starts you off with a robot rather than an MCV or something normal which appears to shoot your buildings out of its arms. This is all fine and dandy even though it makes no more sense than Ruth Kelly being allowed out in public, but I ran with it.

Since this isn't a particularly long entry and I want to skip quickly to the other half of today's entry, let me sum up by listing the following things that suck.

The minimap is worthless. Here's a quick lowdown of what you can see below :


--> Well, see those tiny little dots? Notice how it is impossible to see what they actually are? Well, those are your units. Or your buildlings. Or possibly your mission-vital mega robot, it's just impossible to tell. See that one on the far left? Chances are that's one of the generic and identical looking buildings that don't do anything useful.

--> All your units appear as a single pixel when on the only zoom-level you can do anything on.

--> Every unit looks the same.

--> You can apparently have infinite resources. The two resources are energy and mass, now picture this :
Building 1 : this gives you +24 mass and - 1500 energy.
Building 2 : this gives you +2500 energy at no mass cost.
Now, unless my teaching from Maths supremo Mrs "I'm less interesting than a wandering Seagull" Dyas fails me now (and please don't, I put so much faith in you Mrs Dyas) then I think this results in infinite resources. How very, very silly.

--> Finally, the record of a brief msn conversation about the game of it we'd just played. Thanks to Tom for writing a little of this entry and also giving me someone to accidentally kill.

Me : well that was interesting.
Tom : and confusing
Me : *removes supreme commander from list of games i want*
Tom : it could still be decent i think
Me : i'm going to make a short list of things i want changing in supreme commander
Me : 1. the game

----

As a vaguely regular feature I'm now going to tear to pieces some of the awful, awful weapon ideas from people on the Bungie Halo 3 weapons thread who've apparently suffered brain rot of such incredible proportions that they think posting "if we had motorcycles with shields at the front and back so you can get nades in between and 2 atomatic guns at the front" three times in the same thread is the way to make friends.

i think there should be a dual wield for 2 swords or maybe 2 shotguns.

So you would suggest we make two of the strongest weapons even stronger? Nay, not just that my fine feathered friend but you would like us to do the IMPOSSIBLE like the duel wielding mod in Unreal Tournament where your arms intersect? While we're at it, why don't we go all Goldeneye-All-Weapons-Mod and have you fire a tank cannon?

they should have a gun wot is like a battle rifle but it sprays bombs!!!???

I don't know wot that would look lyk but it sounds shit!!???

i think the plamsa pistl needs 2 b made more powreful

I think you need to be given a vasectomy for the good of all mankind, but we don't all get what we want...

i think u need to make the battle rifle a bit less stronger. also make the magunm a bit more stronger!

I think you need to become a bit less stupider. Please, please, please get a brain. It is really not so hard to use the most elementary of grammar. There, their and they're are all very different words which are easy to remember unless you have an IQ lower than your age. Since most of the people on this thread appear to be 8-year olds for whom Halo is the only thing in the immediate Universe - we're in trouble.