Zimmer
I believe everyone who reviews films for the Radio Times is a certified idiot. After they struggle every morning to get dressed and get their team of trained men to feed them breakfast, these incompetents stagger into their office (a trailer) and play a game to decide what they'll give movies. This is called "Throwing A Die."
This incredible game that was probably invented in Mongolia or something involves throwing an incredible cube with dots, indents or other systems of marking on one side to decide a number. This is called the "Die." You then make an action with your hand and wrist (originally used to summon gods and ward off spirits) called "Throwing". If the "Die" lands on 1,2,3,4 or 5, the film is rated with that number. Six is an ungodly number for the reviews who work for the Radio Times and results in a grotesque sacrifice like in that film about the giant burning man and Nicholas Cage.
Despite giving cinematic horrors like Time Bandits more than one star or fantastic films like Midnight Run any less than 5, they still managed to bestow upon Die Hard a deserved 5 stars for one of the kings of the action genre. The two sequels each warranted 4 stars, also appropriate.
As many of you are no doubt aware, Bruce Willis intends to make a fourth Die Hard movie. The following is a brief list of reasons why it will be awful :
The trailer declares the following : "On July 4th, you'll have two choices. Live Free or Die Hard." If I had a video editing tool worth two shits (ie something other than Windows Movie Maker) I would change that to suggest the choice is between seeing this film and not seeing it. And I think that's going to be a very easy choice to make when the time comes, perhaps even the equal of deciding what degree your handwriting should be slanted.
So what incredible new moves will the rapidly-aging Bruce Willis sport? Will he use his name-engraved walking stick to defend from terrorists while pole-vaulting over a pit of liberals with nothing but his Zimmerframe? Will he use his finely-honed Republican credentials to hurl vast torrents of bullshit at his enemies while killing hundreds of thousands of innocent people? ANSWER ME WILLIS YOU SWINE.
This incredible game that was probably invented in Mongolia or something involves throwing an incredible cube with dots, indents or other systems of marking on one side to decide a number. This is called the "Die." You then make an action with your hand and wrist (originally used to summon gods and ward off spirits) called "Throwing". If the "Die" lands on 1,2,3,4 or 5, the film is rated with that number. Six is an ungodly number for the reviews who work for the Radio Times and results in a grotesque sacrifice like in that film about the giant burning man and Nicholas Cage.
Despite giving cinematic horrors like Time Bandits more than one star or fantastic films like Midnight Run any less than 5, they still managed to bestow upon Die Hard a deserved 5 stars for one of the kings of the action genre. The two sequels each warranted 4 stars, also appropriate.
HOWEVER.
As many of you are no doubt aware, Bruce Willis intends to make a fourth Die Hard movie. The following is a brief list of reasons why it will be awful :
- Bruce Willis is now 51 years old. There is no possible way he could be an action hero any more unless an incredible body transplant becomes avaliable.
- Two sequels were more than enough. Another sequel cannot possibly have a good plot and be anything more than a shameless cash-in.
- The title : Live Free or Die Hard. What is this?
The trailer declares the following : "On July 4th, you'll have two choices. Live Free or Die Hard." If I had a video editing tool worth two shits (ie something other than Windows Movie Maker) I would change that to suggest the choice is between seeing this film and not seeing it. And I think that's going to be a very easy choice to make when the time comes, perhaps even the equal of deciding what degree your handwriting should be slanted.
So what incredible new moves will the rapidly-aging Bruce Willis sport? Will he use his name-engraved walking stick to defend from terrorists while pole-vaulting over a pit of liberals with nothing but his Zimmerframe? Will he use his finely-honed Republican credentials to hurl vast torrents of bullshit at his enemies while killing hundreds of thousands of innocent people? ANSWER ME WILLIS YOU SWINE.
posted by Mkzrj at 11:05 pm
6 Comments:
Don't forget the new Rocky film. Sylvester Stallone is 60 now. Puts even Bruce Willis to shame. Quite how he's going to enter a boxing ring is beyond me. I doubt he'll even be able to bend enough to fit between the ropes without breaking his back in 5 places and needing major surgery.
Of course, World Affair looks good as well *HINT HINT*
Yes these old actors seem to be really attempting to milk it... We keep hearing rumours as well of Harrison Ford coming back as Han solo or Indiana Jones... He's way past it. Boycott these films of overagedness!
51 isn't _that_ old, unless
By the way, "nwwwj".
And here's a view of things to come.
Another DIE HARD movie would ruin the trilogy I think....
And ive never read radio times so cant comment on their reviewing, however your obvious hatred for them means they must be bad :D
Die Hard was amazing, so there is some hope - unfortunately, all the other Die Hard films were crap, so maybe not...
"koxxdgu" - using an enormous phallus as a spade?
Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones again is the worst. He's almost at retirement age now, and (according to IMDB Indiana Jones is to be released in 2008)meaning that by the time the film is released he will be 66.
The guy who played the emperor in Star Wars is younger than him.
Post a Comment
<< Home