Harry

Well, what an exciting week in the world of awful books it has been! J. K. Rowling has announced the appalling title to the latest whirlwind shitstorm of the Harry Potter series - the Deathly Hallows. Sounds scary doesn't it? Personally I thought the Mildly Frightening Backgammon Boards was a better name, but what the hell do I know about getting money off those interested in morphing cats or assholes on broomsticks?

In conclusion we've decided to produce a few alternative endings to the literary agony of Harry Potter's seventh book. They promise excitement, adventure and chasing a stupid ball around the pitch with his absurdly wide head.


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The anti-climax.

Voldemort leapt out from behind the cupboard, where he had spent the last few hours as the group searched for him. He confronted Harry, who was now alone.

"You shall pay young Potter!" he declared menacingly.

"Not if I have anything to do with it!" retorted Potter. Voldemort sighed, and prepared to cast the spell 'Ignomius Daervus Banana' on Harry. However, at that moment his adversary kicked the evil Lord in the groin causing severe crotch hemorrhaging which lead to his death a second later.

"Oh," said Harry calmly. "That was easy."

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The Plagiarism.

The door to Harry's room flung open and an angry Voldemort stormed in. Harry quickly hid Hermione - who was in Harry's bed for no easily explainable reason - and stood up to confront him.

"You shall pay for this Lord Moldywart," screamed Harry, failing to think of a good insult.

"But Harry, we have so much to catch up on," replied Voldemort. "I got the results back from the lab. Harry...I am your father."

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The Return of the King Part II (intensely boring)

Harry Potter walked home, along the long winding country lane he saw stretching out almost endlessly infront of him, like a long path or an intensely boring book. After four days of solid walking, he realised he had gone the wrong way and turned around, going back the way he had came for many days. On the first day he slept in a cabbage patch, on the second he probably did something else equally boring and on the third he gnawed his ears off due to the tedium.

When he finally returned to his stupid house he discovered the door was locked. Trying not to panic and gnaw off his nose, he called for the locksmith to arrive. Harry could have used magic but had vowed not to use magic when something had happened...at some point...

The locksmith took 56 hours and 23 minutes, three of which Harry spent singing "I'm a little teapot" at the top of his voice to make the Starlings nestling in his hair go away. When the door was finally open, Harry went in and then realised he'd left his blue biro pen at Hogwarts. Realising he could not live without such a vital item, he set out again...

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Corny

Having fought for several minutes, Harry and Voldemort slowed down their attacks, looking at each other. At the same time both were overcome by a deep desire, and leapt into each other's arms. Harry felt the kind of love he had previously only felt with Ron-

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Mission Impossible XVIIIIIIIIII1I

Harry was about to deal the final blow to Voldemort and then paused.

"I could not finish this if you didn't know my true identity," he said, and tugged at his face. It seemed to come away to reveal...VOLDEMORT?!?

"How can this be?" cried Voldemort. "If you are me, then-"

Harry leant down and pulled at Voldemort's face. It came away to reveal the Snowy Owl who had delivered something or other in that really awful sequence in the film. Voldemort was amazed. "I'm the Owl? But then-"

The other Voldemort tugged at his face again to reveal nothing more than a swirling toilet. His laughs echoed around the room.

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Angus Wellington!?!?

Hermione pulled the rape demon out from under the frothy liquids of Harry's *censored* *censored* *censored* and the two of them *censored*.