Six
Well everyone, it sure has been a crappy year in gaming hasn't it? Here are some of my comments on the crappiest crap this side of Crapville, Arizona.
Resistance : Fall of Man
"Let's see, it's got headcrabs? Check. Rollermines? Check. Striders? Check. Mutants? Check. A character who rarely if ever talks? Check. Surely it's Half-life 2?"
Wrong! It is - of course - Sony's new shooter for the PS3. It is designed to be so bad it numbs people beyond recognition to ensure they don't realise it stole every damned idea off other games.
Twilight Princess
Oh good, another game with Link, the adorable elf who changes from being between 5 and 50 years old in all his games and generally defeats the same villain over and over. When will you learn Ganondorf? YOU SUCK.
In addition, Link can transform into a wolf. I'm sure that's very useful for sniffing out food, possibly including geese (like that Poker mini-game) but it opens the door to a whole new and horrible orgy of furry art. Damn you Nintendo. Damn you.
Wii Sports
This game is on the Wii. Enough said.
Company of Heroes
All Company of Heroes made me want to do was play Dawn of War. Its gameplay is identical to Dawn of War, but it does have the vital tactical addition of an ability to choose which direction your troops face! WAHAY! WE CAN'T POSSIBLY LOSE NOW!
Prey
"Honestly, I'm not anothe generic shooter. You can walk on ceilings. Thats never been done before. Yeah. And that makes the game completely and utterly brialliant and unique. Honest."
What a load of complete shit. One gun, one enemy, many, many levels of the same. And you can't avoid it. You try to die, but it just brings you back to life, over and over. What kind of game doesn't let you die!?
World of Warcraft : Burning Crusade
So we're adding two new races to the cultural and bigoted melting pot of Blizzard's latest waste of pixels? Hurrah. These include the Blood Elves and the Draenei. The Blood Elves have a fascinating new element to RPGs never seen before - the effect of blood type. If the randomly selected blood type of your character isn't A, then your new Blood Elf dies instantly and your yearly subscriptions cannot be cancelled! Those crazy programmers.
Even better are the Draenei, who are basically just the fat blue genie in Aladdin. Except wearing more clothes. And 63 times more worthless.
Medieval : Total War
Hey, it's a great game. The graphics are good anyway. My only slight, niggling complaint about this game is as follows :
I WAS SO BORED I WANTED TO DIE.
That is all.
The Elder Scrolls IV : Oblivion
So what's this new quest? Go to Generic Cave #35415678 and recover artifact for NPC #2431 who is voiced by the same person as NPCs #567-#4531? Come on Bethesda! Please get more than 3 voice actors, especially for a world that boasts so many pointless NPCs and blatently unfinished quests.
And as for the final boss - I would've preferred something a little more interesting than some giant rape demon covered in body paint wearing a diaper.
I give this game a rating of 1/10, and that's me being generous. Oh wait! I've just got another quest to venture to Abandoned Mine #325 and fight some creatures which become stronger everytime I become stronger, thereby ensuring the game remains dull as ever and rendering the concepts of Levels utterly pointless. See you in the new year!
Resistance : Fall of Man
"Let's see, it's got headcrabs? Check. Rollermines? Check. Striders? Check. Mutants? Check. A character who rarely if ever talks? Check. Surely it's Half-life 2?"
Wrong! It is - of course - Sony's new shooter for the PS3. It is designed to be so bad it numbs people beyond recognition to ensure they don't realise it stole every damned idea off other games.
Twilight Princess
Oh good, another game with Link, the adorable elf who changes from being between 5 and 50 years old in all his games and generally defeats the same villain over and over. When will you learn Ganondorf? YOU SUCK.
In addition, Link can transform into a wolf. I'm sure that's very useful for sniffing out food, possibly including geese (like that Poker mini-game) but it opens the door to a whole new and horrible orgy of furry art. Damn you Nintendo. Damn you.
Wii Sports
This game is on the Wii. Enough said.
Company of Heroes
All Company of Heroes made me want to do was play Dawn of War. Its gameplay is identical to Dawn of War, but it does have the vital tactical addition of an ability to choose which direction your troops face! WAHAY! WE CAN'T POSSIBLY LOSE NOW!
Prey
"Honestly, I'm not anothe generic shooter. You can walk on ceilings. Thats never been done before. Yeah. And that makes the game completely and utterly brialliant and unique. Honest."
What a load of complete shit. One gun, one enemy, many, many levels of the same. And you can't avoid it. You try to die, but it just brings you back to life, over and over. What kind of game doesn't let you die!?
World of Warcraft : Burning Crusade
So we're adding two new races to the cultural and bigoted melting pot of Blizzard's latest waste of pixels? Hurrah. These include the Blood Elves and the Draenei. The Blood Elves have a fascinating new element to RPGs never seen before - the effect of blood type. If the randomly selected blood type of your character isn't A, then your new Blood Elf dies instantly and your yearly subscriptions cannot be cancelled! Those crazy programmers.
Even better are the Draenei, who are basically just the fat blue genie in Aladdin. Except wearing more clothes. And 63 times more worthless.
Medieval : Total War
Hey, it's a great game. The graphics are good anyway. My only slight, niggling complaint about this game is as follows :
I WAS SO BORED I WANTED TO DIE.
That is all.
The Elder Scrolls IV : Oblivion
So what's this new quest? Go to Generic Cave #35415678 and recover artifact for NPC #2431 who is voiced by the same person as NPCs #567-#4531? Come on Bethesda! Please get more than 3 voice actors, especially for a world that boasts so many pointless NPCs and blatently unfinished quests.
And as for the final boss - I would've preferred something a little more interesting than some giant rape demon covered in body paint wearing a diaper.
I give this game a rating of 1/10, and that's me being generous. Oh wait! I've just got another quest to venture to Abandoned Mine #325 and fight some creatures which become stronger everytime I become stronger, thereby ensuring the game remains dull as ever and rendering the concepts of Levels utterly pointless. See you in the new year!
posted by Mkzrj at 5:19 pm
4 Comments:
Good rantage there. Really sets you in the right mood for the new year :)
The only thing I have to say is... Zelda and Wii Sports are both good.
"vcrmi"
Resistance steals off many games, not just Half-life 2. But the weapons are so cool I won't really care when I get it.
As for Zelda, it's a "next-gen" (I use the term lightly given the shittiness of the Wii) game that scored higer on the previous generation (Gamecube) than on the new generation (Wii(although it is not really next-gen)). Gamespot scored LoZ:TW 8.8 on Wii and 8.9 on Gamecube. Therefore Wii is the suck.
As for Wii sports, pretty much all of the sports have been made better else where, without the need to move.
Tennis: Virtua Tennis (any of them) and many others
Boxing: Fight Night Round 1, 2 or 3
Baseball: Shit game anyway.
Golf: Tiger Woods (various titles)
Bowling is the only half-decent one.
Resistance steals of many games, yes, but he was trying to convince you it was Half Life 2, and that wouldn't have worked had he mentioned all the other stolen ideas.
Also, Resistances graphics are crap. Which for a PS3 game is just poor.
However, I also have to say that your complete hatred of the Wii seems unfounded, and Wii Sports does actually look decent. However, Zelda does look REALLY bad on the Wii. I saw a vid of it, and the person playing took about a minute to manage to open a chest because of how fiddly the controls were with the wiimote. Also, Wii Sports is a free game. So its fine saying that other games are better, but are they also free? Dont say yes.
you are jerk bethesda makes some of the best game if you are telling me that skyrim is going to suck then you are an absolute idiot. Oblivion is one of the funnest, most in depth games that I have played in a long time. I never got board, and that is being generous because I would rate this game a 10 out of a 10.
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