Legend

Near the dawn of time, there was a machine born in a far away planet that was perpetually scorched by terrible weather, lightning and natural disasters. Holy men and people with nothing better to do who merely wanted a place in the history books gathered around the cradle/robot factory as the Ubertron emerged.


Before anyone got a proper glimpse - one bystander described the Ubertron as "like Dick Cheney in a sexy suit" in these brief seconds - the Ubertron activated his genital lamp and holy light burst forth, illuminating the clearing. High above their ravaged planet clouds swirled and lightning forked down, but the people watching this incredible occasion were luckily under cover. The Ubertron then told them about his other attachments, including an egg whisk and something for getting coins out of sofas.

The Ubertron was unsure about the origin of his creation, but he was certain someone must have programmed the otherwise stupid machines inside to stop making cars for a minute and turn their stupid yellow selves to something more worthwhile. Someone in the public wanted to draw the Ubertron and preserve him for all time, but the great robot did not want to turn out his crotch light. Some claim the Ubertron was insecure.

"Lo!" cried the Ubertron Mk I, "Those who will make pictures and stuff off me will be rewarded. But only if their pictures are better than other pictures."
"But Great Ubertron!" cried a peasant as the great robot/wrestler/American Baseball Superstar started to walk away. "We do not know of your image! The light shining from your groinal socket is far too powerful for anyone to observe you!"
The Great Ubertron mused over this, but did not turn off the light. Instead, he issued a decree in such a loud voice it shook the lands and caused a single mountain goat to temporarily lose its footing.
"Then thou shalt imagine!" was the reply. "Create what you believe your Ubertron to be, and should one day someone recreate exactly what I look like, I will return and lift this miserable planet out of its miserable depths!"
"Why can't you do that now?" questioned another peasant.
There came a pause, which in some Gospels became known as the "Pause of the Capitalist" while Ubertron pondered this rather obvious question. Some blasphemers would later say this proved the Ubertron did not care about the population, and merely liked forfilling his own nutritional desires.
"I have to get to Starbucks before it closes," was the eventual reply, and then the Ubertron launched into the sky using rocket feet or something. Soon the Ubertron was visible as little but a star, his groinal lamp shining bright, outclassing all the lightning around him.
The populace gazed up into the sky as their hero sped away. Many were destroyed by the lightning in their folly when they decided to leave the cover, but it was worth it. Some realised this was likely to be the last time they would see the Ubertron, but they would certainly pass this epic tale down to their children and grandchildren.

They could only hope he did get to Starbucks intime, for his wrath would surely be terrible were he to miss out on a Caffé Americano.