History

We are lied to about a whole lot on a daily basis. Facts that we take for granted cover up the less-than-savoury truth. Today, we lift the viel of lies! Lies, deceit and subterfuge!

• The Pyramids at Gaza were originally built upside down. This left several huge pyramidal holes in the Gaza desert. After they were quickly filled in by the movement of sand, leaving no trace of what thousands of slaves had died for, they decided to build them above ground on the second try.
  

• New information that has come to light has finally proven once and for all that the moon landings were faked. Pictures released prove it was filmed in a studio, the moon soil was nothing but dyed sand, and the American flag did wave because someone accidentally turned on the wind tunnel part way through.
  

The Moon Landing team fooling about on set.

• George "Duyba" Bush is not actually as stupid as everyone thinks. He has an estimated IQ of 175 and works in several laboratories around the world when not leading the most powerful country on Earth. He has been part of many major discoveries, including the invention of the telephone.

• At the battle of Hastings, King Harold was not in fact killed by an arrow to the eye. In reality, the arrow hit him in the leg. He fell off his horse, staggered around a bit, tripped up and landed in a ditch. Several horses thundered over him, pulverising his near-dead body before a dislodged tree crushed him. This was deemed to be too embarassing an end to admit to. After all, everyone knows the weak point of any Boss/King is the eye.

• Pandas are not nearly extinct. They just don't like being in the public eye. Most of them hide in great settlements beneath ground where bamboo is carefully grown in biospheres.

• Queen Victoria did not refuse to be believe lesbians exist. As one might have guessed she was in fact a lesbian herself and didn't want to fall foul of her own laws. The elaborate display of dismissal and disbelief she put on frightened away her lover and resulted in over a decade of depression.

• The entire country of Senegal is a hologram.

• New research has found that the most advanced creature on Earth is not the human, the dolphin nor the cockroach. It is the shy and apparently-lethargic Sloth. Sloths have been proven as the most advanced society because they have close-knit family groups, share the work, and spend the vast majority of their time doing bugger-all.
  

The most advanced creature in the world.

• Many people believe snails to be one of the slowest creatures on the planet. Nothing could actually be further from the truth. When humans are not looking they often host 100m sprint races, and hold the record of 8.23 seconds, comprehensively beating the record held by both Asafa Powell and Justin Gatlin of the homo sapiens. Snails are trained from a young age to compete, and many of the slimy Gastropods consider beating 10 seconds a rite of passage.

• The Eiffel Tower in Paris was not originally meant to be the size it is today. Originally intended to be an ornamental pepperpot, one of the foolish engineers added considerably too many zeroes to the sizes of the parts. When it all arrived, they discovered the company they bought them off had gone bankrupt, stopping them from returning the parts. The only way forward was to assemble it anyway and see what happened.