Batter
The blurb for the Shareware game "Batter Up Cat" says :
"This is a game the whole family can play for hours"
After playing this game for half a minute I wanted to jam a pencil into my skull. I don't even want to consider playing this for "hours" without the guarantee that I could afford the reconstructive surgery and the months upon months of psychological therapy required afterwards.
When I first saw the title of this "game", I thought it was going to be a hilarious game where you had to cover a cat in batter, and then perhaps eat it. Any game producers reading - there's a market for that. Anyway, when I downloaded this abomination I was sorely disappointed. After the tiny opening screen that takes up less space than Ruth Kelly's libido I was treated to the option to choose three difficulties. In the background there was something like baseball court. Or something.
I clicked "Easy" because I thought it was best to get used to the game slowly at first. The screen then cleared and I could see that you were a cat, batting at baseball. Naturally, in order to produce hours of gameplay I assumed that there would be different options, you could actually RUN, and maybe a few hidden power-ups. Not so. The ball is thrown at you, you try to hit it. That is the entire freaking game. Playing this felt like being impaled on a blunt spoon while being shat on from so high and at such a speed it smashed through me while someone played Westlife in the background and jabbed me viciously in the eyes.
Next, the actual interface. I didn't take a screenshot of it because I later discovered this scumpile of pixel-kind was infested with Spyware. Thanks for telling me Norton! But below is a pretty accurate reconstruction of what it looked like.
We can see the strange no-legged man/thing who throws the ball, the amazing graphics of the Cat himself, and the crosshair. Oh, the joys that crosshair brought! As far I could work out the crosshair must've been some kind of in-joke the developers put in. If you click the crosshair on the ball nothing will happen. It took me until the SIXTH ball to actually hit the fucker. Each time he throws it the location of where you actually need to click seems to randomly change from one side of the crosshair, to the other, or even off the pitch.
So that is the entire game. Any family that does in fact play this steaming pile of shit for more than half a minute should be neutered for the good of all mankind. If anyone has anything positive to say about this unspeakable CESSPOOL of Mhz, I'll be in my office.
"This is a game the whole family can play for hours"
After playing this game for half a minute I wanted to jam a pencil into my skull. I don't even want to consider playing this for "hours" without the guarantee that I could afford the reconstructive surgery and the months upon months of psychological therapy required afterwards.
When I first saw the title of this "game", I thought it was going to be a hilarious game where you had to cover a cat in batter, and then perhaps eat it. Any game producers reading - there's a market for that. Anyway, when I downloaded this abomination I was sorely disappointed. After the tiny opening screen that takes up less space than Ruth Kelly's libido I was treated to the option to choose three difficulties. In the background there was something like baseball court. Or something.
I clicked "Easy" because I thought it was best to get used to the game slowly at first. The screen then cleared and I could see that you were a cat, batting at baseball. Naturally, in order to produce hours of gameplay I assumed that there would be different options, you could actually RUN, and maybe a few hidden power-ups. Not so. The ball is thrown at you, you try to hit it. That is the entire freaking game. Playing this felt like being impaled on a blunt spoon while being shat on from so high and at such a speed it smashed through me while someone played Westlife in the background and jabbed me viciously in the eyes.
Next, the actual interface. I didn't take a screenshot of it because I later discovered this scumpile of pixel-kind was infested with Spyware. Thanks for telling me Norton! But below is a pretty accurate reconstruction of what it looked like.
We can see the strange no-legged man/thing who throws the ball, the amazing graphics of the Cat himself, and the crosshair. Oh, the joys that crosshair brought! As far I could work out the crosshair must've been some kind of in-joke the developers put in. If you click the crosshair on the ball nothing will happen. It took me until the SIXTH ball to actually hit the fucker. Each time he throws it the location of where you actually need to click seems to randomly change from one side of the crosshair, to the other, or even off the pitch.
So that is the entire game. Any family that does in fact play this steaming pile of shit for more than half a minute should be neutered for the good of all mankind. If anyone has anything positive to say about this unspeakable CESSPOOL of Mhz, I'll be in my office.
posted by Mkzrj at 11:53 am
4 Comments:
Lol... thats hilarious :D
Shareware games are always poor... and normally always infested with some sort of spy/ad/shit-ware type thingy aswell.
Good review, think ill be staying away from that one =D
Pure genius. A cat-battering game does sound fun...
I don't like leaving short comments but I think you said it all. Also, give the genius that thought up the "Playing this felt like being impaled on a blunt spoon while being shat on from so high and at such a speed it smashed through me while someone played Westlife in the background and jabbed me viciously in the eyes." a medal.
Turns out the comment wasn't that short. Hurrah!
I should attempt to make he worst game ever. It would sell because of its "So bad it's good" rating :)
Batter up cat does not sound hard to beat in badness.
Hahaha.
What a lame idea that game was.
Still, its UI is slightly better than you claim.
Hopefully 'The Story of WTF' will be more fun than this.
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