Cartman

Here’s a little story about a blogger. Let’s call him “Mark”. Mark was intending to do another blog entry when he suddenly fell down with some kind of horrible illness. He could hardly talk, hardly move and looking at bright lights made him feel like hell. So he spent five freaking days lying around his house, moaning, and shouting “WHY DOES NOTHING IN THIS HOUSE FUCKING WORK?” at random intervals when the internet wouldn’t work or something.

For starters, he missed Friday. This meant some copying up, but on the plus side he had a handwritten essay in for that day. Now our Mark hates doing anything by hand, calling it “stupid, old-fashioned and something somethingly” so he accidentally “forgot” to do it by hand. Despite this admission to modern technology Mark still didn’t get it all finished because he was probably too busy doing something exciting or juggling goslings. As such, even if he had gone in on Friday he would’ve had to forego kicking butt at poker to finish his essay. Which, all things considered, would have been rubbish.

Saturday was mainly spent watching Futurama and South Park on the TV in addition to randomly being accused of cheating by online Americans. He particularly likes the South Park where Cartman’s mum turns out to be his dad, thus opening the doorway to all kinds of speculation about who the hell his mum actually is.

Sunday came along like some kind of horribly stuffed-up nose and poor Mark continued to feel shit. However, he thought he felt less shit and would be back in school on Monday. Sunday was spent kicking assorted phonelines to try and goad them into working. Remarkably little television was watched on Sunday because Mark still felt like ass.

Monday was a more interesting day. Mark woke up and realised his prediction of “I’m sure to feel better on Monday!” was like Stalin saying “I’m sure I won’t need to kill too many people!” when he became ruler of the Soviet Union. More importantly, he watched Goodfellas. Now, Martin Scorcese is normally a brilliant director, and always makes good stuff when coupled with Robert De Niro. However, Goodfellas – after a fantastic first 10 minutes – fell into the same trap as the Godfather and probably all its shitty sequels too – it was too boring for words. The scene where De Niro started stamping on some random guy’s face was amusing, granted, but the rest of the film didn’t live up the excellent beginning. On a side note, he got accused of cheating again for using Chrono Commandos in RA2. Stupid American clods.

Tuesday seemed certain to be the day he returned to school, but he still felt like crap. Luckily he only missed a single lesson that day so it suddenly doesn’t seem like such a big deal after all. As he sits typing this, he’s just finished playing a bit of Ocarina of Time on the N64 – everyone says it is so good so Mark figures he might as well find out why. In addition, another few Firefly episodes were watched, along with a most amusing film with Steve Martin. At one point, Mark also declared that Ian Paisley “has a face like fleshy death” and that “Tiscali are a bunch of lying assholes who redirect your customer services complaints to Indian call-centres who know nothing about the internet.”

To flesh out the final point, Mark recently phoned Tiscali for help. He was instantly transferred to an Indian call-centre.

“Hi, I’m having some trouble with the internet.”

“Right, can you describe the nature of the problem?”

“Well, it keeps disconnecting. It’s generally working but now and then it drops the line.”

“Is your internet on right now?”

“Right this second?”

“Yes sir.”

“Well yes, but-”

“Good day sir!”

Click.

Answers

So, after the immense puzzlement over my bizarre life, here are some answers.

I have been in a submarine – This was in Germany where we got to trundle around a U-boat for a couple hours.

I am distantly related to Nelson – This is true.

I was on BBC News at 6 next to a cow and a man in period costume – This is also true. I was at a museum of some sort when it happened to be the anniversary of Edward Jenner’s discovery that the cowpox vaccine could be adapted for humans. Thusly, there was a cow there and a man as Edward Jenner, and there was a small article on the news about it. I was captured in the shot, and that’s how I was on BBC news.

I somehow managed to cut my finger on my shoe – Regrettably true. You know the little metal rings around the holes the laces go through? I cut my finger on one of those.

I cook a mean scrambled egg – Apparently true. Various people have said my scrambled eggs are wonderful.

I own a film never released in the US due to its violence – That would be Battle Royale, a mighty fine film indeed. It was never released because it was teenagers killing each other rather than adults, and this was deemed inappropriate or something.

I recently destroyed a CRT monitor – Unfortunately true. I plugged in the 360 and tried to set it to too high a resolution – it flickered for a few moments, made a curious vwoomping noise and then stopped working.

I can drink vinegar – This is a lie. I don’t see how anyone can do this without choking to death, but still.

I have had all 3 Dark Materials signed, in person, by Philip Pullman – That’s true, and it was at the Cheltenham literature festival.

I have been called a human thesaurus – Also true.

I eat my breakfast cereals without milk on – Yep. I have the milk separately.

I own/have owned 12 versions of computer technology, yet hate mobile phones – Very true. Even though I have 2 PCs, a laptop, an N64, a Gamecube, a spectrum ZX, a Commodore 64, a Psion, an Xbox and an Xbox 360, and previously owned an Acorn Electron and an Amstrad, mobile phones annoy me. I’m a frighteningly slow at texting and I don’t know how you get bloody capital letters.

My great-grandfather died in a murder attempt which was meant to kill someone else – The foreman at the mine who was the target of the attempt was ill that day so my great-grandfather took his place instead. The explosion therefore killed him instead of the guy it was meant for.

I have probably written nearly 1000 A5 pages of assorted stories – I am doing creative writing at university, so that shouldn’t be all that surprising.

I drink orange juice but the smell of oranges makes me sick – Yep.

I own around 40 old Doctor Who VHS tapes – Yep. These are good Doctor Who episodes, mind, not the modern appalling nonsense with zombie cats and robotic nipples or whatever the hell is going on at the moment.

I eat Battenberg with the marzipan cut off – True story. The marzipan ruins the wonderful taste of the cake itself.

I think the Godfather is the most over-rated film ever made – After spending three hours watching this bloody thing I honestly felt I had wasted a potentially valuable section of my life. Nothing actually happens! The only plot points are Marlon Brando utterly failing to talk due to the golfballs shoved into his cheeks like some bloated mafia hamster and some random man being shot. The fact that this thing is top of the IMDB Top 250 films is absurd.

I have never eaten a single piece of chocolate – This is also true. I just assume I won’t like it since I’m generally qualified to make judgments on things I know little or nothing about.

I wear almost entirely black but I wouldn't really say I'm a goth – Also true.

Quick

Right, here's a quick quiz for everyone. All of these are fact about myself, but one of them isn't true. Post in the comments which you think is the lie, and we'll see if anyone gets it right.

I have been in a submarine
I am distantly related to Nelson
I was on BBC News at 6 next to a cow and a man in period costume
I somehow managed to cut my finger on my shoe
I cook a mean scrambled egg
I own a film never released in the US due to its violence
I recently destroyed a CRT monitor
I can drink vinegar
I have had all 3 Dark Materials signed, in person, by Philip Pullman
I have been called a human thesaurus
I eat my breakfast cereals without milk on
I own/have owned 12 versions of computer technology, yet hate mobile phones
My great-grandfather died in a murder attempt which was meant to kill someone else
I have probably written nearly 1000 A5 pages of assorted stories
I drink orange juice but the smell of oranges makes me sick
I own around 40 old Doctor Who VHS tapes
I eat Battenberg with the marzipan cut off
I think the Godfather is the most over-rated film ever made
I have never eaten a single piece of chocolate
I wear almost entirely black but I wouldn't really say I'm a goth


So, which is the lie? All will be revealed in the next entry.

Search

Staggeringly stupid Google searches

Since my blog is indexed on Google, all kinds of bizarre keywords come up. The most popular search appears to be for the Sub Zero picture I used a while ago in a blog entry randomly mocking Mortal Kombat for having even less plot than Time Bandits, but there have also been various bizarre ones. As much as I like people googling “Sonic fanart” or something and finding my blog where I say “I hate fanart”, there are several more amusing ones.

"I need ideas for drawing the planet Pluto in actual or stylised form"

That’s wonderful. See, if you had any sense I would hope that you’d perhaps simply Google “Pluto” to find your results. But obviously that isn’t good enough for our art school student who seems certain that the internet is somehow able to respond to your questions. While it can do all kinds of magical things like offer a forum for people to post pictures of furry incest or grown men wearing diapers or whatever the fuck such people enjoy, it cannot understand a request like that. As such, the Googler of this query is a clod.

"Muslim furries"

This one really took me aback. So many horrific images went through my mind upon reading this but none of them were pleasant. It raises an important question about what the guy actually meant – was he searching for furries who are Muslim, and therefore surely go against every single Muslim belief due to the whole fucking animals thing, or was he searching for pictures of a Muslim drawn as a furry? Both options are too hideous to think about.

"How do you unlock the secret level Pyramids for goldeneye on the n64?"

This one of those wonderful searches from people who don’t understand how the internet actually works. You cannot ask the internet a question - the internet doesn’t know the answer. Anyone with any sense would have googled “Pyramids Goldeneye N64” – even though the level is called Temple – and found it in a moment, had the level actually existed. No doubt this guy had a screen resolution of 800 x 600 and uses Windows 95. You can tell from the search queries.

"How to catch a leprechaun"

Perhaps this was someone off TPG, the Paranormal Forum I still have yet to insult in a future blog entry. Perhaps this person actually believes in the little magical creatures hopping around his garden that couldn’t possibly be the result of snorting every substance known to man. I really hope this a joke search, because if it wasn’t…

"Well-endowed celebrity penis"

I HATE THE INTERNET.

"Internet points"

This found my ancient entry about a fictional type of point that you could redeem on the internet and thereby gain access to the outernet. I can’t help but feel that this guy would define himself possibly a cyberpunk or a cybersurfer, who braves the information superhighway with the incredible software known to the elite as Netscape.

Trident

Right, yes, it's been a while since the last blog entry. But in the intervening time several things have happened, including the C&C 3 demo, physics coursework, the C&C 3 demo, a migraine, the C&C 3 demo and a psychology mock. I'm well aware that is a pathetic excuse, but I intend to stick by it nevertheless.
The next update is going to be an amusing one again roughly based on my intense hatred of all things Hentai, but for now we will be doing something vaguely political and...er...controversial. I'm also busy baiting another Nigerian Prince scammer, so that could produce something amusing soon.

Firstly, as various people are aware I went to London on the 24th of February for a No Trident march, through various groups were also there representing their various organisations. I spotted the young socialists, the British Communist Party and even a group with a vast banner declaring "9/11 Was A Frame-Up". Anyway, watch the video below and then lament the fact that you weren't there because of some crazyness involving a secret holiday in a bunker in Portsmouth. Or something.
The track playing is "Let's Impeach the President" by Neil Young. It may become a little more appropriate if you replace "President" with "Prime-Minister" and "impeach" with "kick out of office and try for war crimes". You decide.

Next up on my bi-monthly "list of things in real life that suck" is Conservapedia. Apparently a bunch of evangelical republican nutcases decided that Wikipedia is biased. The main reason they give is this:

"Edits to include facts against the theory of evolution are almost immediately censored."

That's like saying that facts about Somalia is nothing more than a hologram is censored. That's like saying that facts about Cherie Blair being a sex goddess are censored. That's like saying the facts about me being a termite in a suit are censored.
Newsflash people: evolution happens. You can watch it when you see a White House press conference as Bush tries desperately to get his mind around the most elementary of words and ascend a little further up the evolutionary ladder.

So, what else has pissed me off in the news recently. Well, John McCain has declared he will run to be the next Despot of the USA, thousands more people have been killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, and Britney Spears is on suicide watch. Who gives a flying fuck if some idiot popstar kills herself? If she does kill herself, the average IQ of the world will take a lurch upwards. Oh, and there was another inquest into the Diana death, despite it being a total accident which was totally overhyped and an event which no-one really cared about.

In addition, Daniel Radcliffe apparently had sex with a horse or something. Work that one out Conservapedia.