Cartman

Here’s a little story about a blogger. Let’s call him “Mark”. Mark was intending to do another blog entry when he suddenly fell down with some kind of horrible illness. He could hardly talk, hardly move and looking at bright lights made him feel like hell. So he spent five freaking days lying around his house, moaning, and shouting “WHY DOES NOTHING IN THIS HOUSE FUCKING WORK?” at random intervals when the internet wouldn’t work or something.

For starters, he missed Friday. This meant some copying up, but on the plus side he had a handwritten essay in for that day. Now our Mark hates doing anything by hand, calling it “stupid, old-fashioned and something somethingly” so he accidentally “forgot” to do it by hand. Despite this admission to modern technology Mark still didn’t get it all finished because he was probably too busy doing something exciting or juggling goslings. As such, even if he had gone in on Friday he would’ve had to forego kicking butt at poker to finish his essay. Which, all things considered, would have been rubbish.

Saturday was mainly spent watching Futurama and South Park on the TV in addition to randomly being accused of cheating by online Americans. He particularly likes the South Park where Cartman’s mum turns out to be his dad, thus opening the doorway to all kinds of speculation about who the hell his mum actually is.

Sunday came along like some kind of horribly stuffed-up nose and poor Mark continued to feel shit. However, he thought he felt less shit and would be back in school on Monday. Sunday was spent kicking assorted phonelines to try and goad them into working. Remarkably little television was watched on Sunday because Mark still felt like ass.

Monday was a more interesting day. Mark woke up and realised his prediction of “I’m sure to feel better on Monday!” was like Stalin saying “I’m sure I won’t need to kill too many people!” when he became ruler of the Soviet Union. More importantly, he watched Goodfellas. Now, Martin Scorcese is normally a brilliant director, and always makes good stuff when coupled with Robert De Niro. However, Goodfellas – after a fantastic first 10 minutes – fell into the same trap as the Godfather and probably all its shitty sequels too – it was too boring for words. The scene where De Niro started stamping on some random guy’s face was amusing, granted, but the rest of the film didn’t live up the excellent beginning. On a side note, he got accused of cheating again for using Chrono Commandos in RA2. Stupid American clods.

Tuesday seemed certain to be the day he returned to school, but he still felt like crap. Luckily he only missed a single lesson that day so it suddenly doesn’t seem like such a big deal after all. As he sits typing this, he’s just finished playing a bit of Ocarina of Time on the N64 – everyone says it is so good so Mark figures he might as well find out why. In addition, another few Firefly episodes were watched, along with a most amusing film with Steve Martin. At one point, Mark also declared that Ian Paisley “has a face like fleshy death” and that “Tiscali are a bunch of lying assholes who redirect your customer services complaints to Indian call-centres who know nothing about the internet.”

To flesh out the final point, Mark recently phoned Tiscali for help. He was instantly transferred to an Indian call-centre.

“Hi, I’m having some trouble with the internet.”

“Right, can you describe the nature of the problem?”

“Well, it keeps disconnecting. It’s generally working but now and then it drops the line.”

“Is your internet on right now?”

“Right this second?”

“Yes sir.”

“Well yes, but-”

“Good day sir!”

Click.