Search

Staggeringly stupid Google searches

Since my blog is indexed on Google, all kinds of bizarre keywords come up. The most popular search appears to be for the Sub Zero picture I used a while ago in a blog entry randomly mocking Mortal Kombat for having even less plot than Time Bandits, but there have also been various bizarre ones. As much as I like people googling “Sonic fanart” or something and finding my blog where I say “I hate fanart”, there are several more amusing ones.

"I need ideas for drawing the planet Pluto in actual or stylised form"

That’s wonderful. See, if you had any sense I would hope that you’d perhaps simply Google “Pluto” to find your results. But obviously that isn’t good enough for our art school student who seems certain that the internet is somehow able to respond to your questions. While it can do all kinds of magical things like offer a forum for people to post pictures of furry incest or grown men wearing diapers or whatever the fuck such people enjoy, it cannot understand a request like that. As such, the Googler of this query is a clod.

"Muslim furries"

This one really took me aback. So many horrific images went through my mind upon reading this but none of them were pleasant. It raises an important question about what the guy actually meant – was he searching for furries who are Muslim, and therefore surely go against every single Muslim belief due to the whole fucking animals thing, or was he searching for pictures of a Muslim drawn as a furry? Both options are too hideous to think about.

"How do you unlock the secret level Pyramids for goldeneye on the n64?"

This one of those wonderful searches from people who don’t understand how the internet actually works. You cannot ask the internet a question - the internet doesn’t know the answer. Anyone with any sense would have googled “Pyramids Goldeneye N64” – even though the level is called Temple – and found it in a moment, had the level actually existed. No doubt this guy had a screen resolution of 800 x 600 and uses Windows 95. You can tell from the search queries.

"How to catch a leprechaun"

Perhaps this was someone off TPG, the Paranormal Forum I still have yet to insult in a future blog entry. Perhaps this person actually believes in the little magical creatures hopping around his garden that couldn’t possibly be the result of snorting every substance known to man. I really hope this a joke search, because if it wasn’t…

"Well-endowed celebrity penis"

I HATE THE INTERNET.

"Internet points"

This found my ancient entry about a fictional type of point that you could redeem on the internet and thereby gain access to the outernet. I can’t help but feel that this guy would define himself possibly a cyberpunk or a cybersurfer, who braves the information superhighway with the incredible software known to the elite as Netscape.