SuckyMcGee

Okey dokey. I was going to do these in 3 separate entries, but I really don’t think there is enough to say to warrant that. Instead, I will compact these three rants about shitty games into one mega-rant, rather like the Power Rangers when they transform into one stupid middle-America ultra-robot Zord thing.

Project Gotham Racing 3

I hate racing games. The only enjoyable racing game I’ve ever played is Burnout, and that has a subtle advantage – you blow things up in Burnout. The entire point of the game is to destroy over cars in the coolest way possible, and the slow-motion wheeling deaths always look awesome.
So, what do you do in PGR3? You race. You race perhaps a hundred times on identical tracks against identical opponents, and if you lose, it says FAILED in massive bold letters across the screen. You can buy other exciting cars which are basically identical – though I’m sure anyone who watches Top Gear could tell them apart, but I honestly don’t care about the difference between a Honda or a Ferrari or something.
The graphics are fine but really don’t tax the 360, yet it somehow contrives to take twice as much time as Gears of War to load a fraction of the content. In addition, the controls aren’t inverted, thereby making it unplayable to all ordinary human beings until you change it in the menus.
Most importantly, the physics are staggeringly bad. If you crash into the side of the track like this…


…you spin insanely despite it only being the side of your car which taps the side and you end up trying to drive into the barrier. Another complaint: in any shooter or good game, you can come back when you’ve made a mistake. But if you crash once, you’re then basically out of the game.

4/10

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Lost Planet

Lost Planet is made by Capcom, who produced Resident Evil 4 and Dead Rising, both of which find a comfortable place in the 10 best games ever made. As such, I had high hopes for this ice-based game, even if the plot appeared disturbingly anime-like.
The graphics are entirely white. There is nothing but white in this game, and if you’re really, really lucky, you might find a dull grey building somewhere. The enemies are boring and repetitive – but in fairness, the one boss I found was quite cool. Unfortunately, EVERYTHING in this game knocks you over, and so I was on the floor for most of the time the boss flattened me.
Walking in Halo 2 is slow, but this is like making your way through solid molasses. You walk incredibly slowly, and jumping – which normally speeds you up – just sees you plunging knee-deep into yet another fucking snowdrift which’ll slow you down while generic Starship Troopers aliens stab you, depleting your thermal energy reserves. These are stupid little red balls of shit you have to shove your face into to recharge your power, which is pointless and like a poorly implemented version of a timed game. It keeps you moving, but you don’t want to move since you’ll just move to another bloody pile of white.
In addition to the slow movement, the controls are horribly clunky. It feels like you’re trekking up Mount Everest when you’re simply walking through the vast torrents of boring snow.
Also the radar makes no sense.

3/10

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Perfect Dark Zero

Perfect Dark on the N64 is probably the best game ever made for reasons I must’ve mentioned somewhere in another previous blog. So while I wanted to have high hopes for this sequel, since most of the good Rare team have since moved out and created Free Radical, I wasn't sure how good it would be.
This game makes me want to cause bodily harm to those who progammed it. This is an insult to the series. This is like creating a second Mona Lisa painting, and it's just a picture of an elephant's backside. I have neither the time nor patience to list every single way in which this game is shit, so here are a few reasons.
You walk slower than in Halo 2.
The weapons in Perfect Dark are staggeringly inventive. These are all generic.
Despite being on the 360, the graphics are awful. Everyone's skin looks like plastic.
It is a prequel, and therefore fails to continue the awesome conspiracy plot.
The weapon-changing system is horrible and hard to use.
The "take cover" function does nothing except switch your view to third person.
It is not enjoyable to play.

-9/10

This avoids getting -10/10 purely because it is fairly amusing to blast someone’s stupid Botox face a dozen times with the shotgun to watch them get up and yell “Joanna!” in a mildly annoyed voice.

I actually want to destroy every copy of this game that exists.


Yes, I know bowling balls are probably larger than the game case. It’s artistic license.