Urban

Scotty looked around the clearing. The stench of death was everywhere. Flesh, bodies and bones were strewn across the battlefield. Rubble interspersed the destruction, and the roads ran with blood. Someone off in the distance, an artillery strike boomed like the drumkit of oblivion. Overhead, a plane screeched across the sky like someone pulling a pick over the guitar of pain.

Hi! I'm your host for today, Angus Wellington! As part of my community service I'm being forced to give this talk about Urban Warfare, and why it doesn't always have to be as depressing as the above paragraph. According to this script I've been given, with just a few simple notes and advice, Urban Warfare can be fun for the whole family!
Buy my new books on Amazon.com, including "How Furries took over Second Life" and "Delving into the mating habits of Redneck States - an insider's view".

Do :

• Give your weapons names. As a certain Vietnam war film showed, this is clearly a good idea and never ever leads to a murder and a suicide in one scene. If you are particularly lonely and so inclined, you can ever name the weapons of your fallen opponents and play out a little story between them. Guns with chainsaws attached make this even more entertaining.
  
• Make sure you're wearing the right kind of camoflauge, and appropriate clothing. Appropriate clothing includes massive gauntlets, steroid-filled arms and enough back-space to hold three different weapons. Appropriate clothing does not include anything bright, anything cheery, or anything that doesn't seem to be packed with pointless amounts of styrofoam.

Don't :

• Go nuts. Your team-mates aren't going to appreciate it when you decide to play out your aforementioned gun fantasies. Keep them in your own mind, don't share your interior hell with your comrades.
• Crowd around specific places. Lots of different parties are going to want to fight where you are, and it's just greedy to hog all the lot. In war, there are no winners, merely those who find the Orb of Agility first.
• Be a weapon whore. As most battle-seasoned veterans should know, every weapon is potentially a noob weapon in the eyes of the right American gamer. Even weapons you spawn on the battlefield with (due to new military "Spawn-O-Shoot" tech) are noob weapons, simply because your foes are too incompetent to fight them off.

And so, with these helpful hints, no longer will you dread Urban Warfare.

----

Today has various notes. The next 2 weeks are going to rock, because I'll be seeing Casino Royale, filming our zombie documentary (more info tomorrow), going to the 16-player LAN and seeing Gears of War.
Also, I compiled all the userbars that apply to me. Since it is slightly too large to fit on the blog, it can be found here.