TV

TV Programs that nearly made it :

A recently de-classified report from the BBC has revealed a wide variety of Television programs that were nearly aired, but just fell short, due to budget cuts, filming schedules, assassinations and the rest. Here is just a small variety of what was rejected :

Quake for CBBC

What a godawful idea this was. Some bright-spark decided that since all 6-10 year-olds play Quake games where you have to butcher Strogg and make them all explode in flying red pixels, you should make a program for it. They even hired a few up-and-coming child actors to play the high-pitched heroes who for some reason crashland on an alien planet but still retain their charming innocence after watching the horror of the HUMAN GRINDER TM. Rumour has it that all the sets were burnt after someone realised this wasn't going to work.

Inside the mind of Ruth Kelly

Some replacement for "Today in Parliament" this monstrosity turned out to be. Don't get me wrong, I like some politics while I'm waiting for the dishwasher to finish or something. But did we really want camera crews to follow this insufferable nincompoop around for a whole month? I don't think so. As if to try and make things even more awful, they added hear commentary on her thoughts. Who cares when the Boy Wonder of New Labour buys a new manly suit (with added foam pads for extra manliness)? Nobody, that's who.

When open-heart surgery on a squid across a rickety bridge carrying a nuclear device - GOES WRONG.

This was Channel 5's attempt to have a vaguely good program that wasn't either a film made by a totally different company of some dubious program about porn, such as "How porn ruined my life" or "My life with porn" or "Porn and my life" or "Porny McGee goes to town" or "An indepth look into the porn industry" or something. Anyway, they did actually make this set up, though how those clods thought they could make a whole series out of this awful idea is beyond me. Only the sounds of the first episode remain before the idea was scrapped :
"Right, now if we cut below the artery, then OH GOD MY EYESSsssssss [splintering sound] [thermonuclear detonation]

Big Brother

A show where the creators go into the worst supermarket they can find and propel as many people as possible from there into the back of a van. These morons are then placed inside a house with hidden cameras and various other devices to see how they react. They try to capture some people who are particularly cretinous/silicone-filled to see how they react. Luckily, this lowest-common-denominator fuckwit zoo was never aired.
Oh wait...

----

Getting a laptop soon!!