Goose
Quick Quiz #85
Do you meet the following requirements?-> Ability to read English
-> Ability to click a hyperlink
If so, click here now and play our interactive online game, the Story of WTF! You may need to lower security settings or try a better browser than Internet Explorer to make it work. That said, on with the update!
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"Ah," said the engineer, tapping the boiler with his biro. "You've got boiler geese."
"I've got what?" exclaimed Joan. "Boiler geese?"
Things were spiralling drastically out of control. At first it had seemed that she merely had a slight plumbing problem - less water was coming out of the taps that expected. Nothing too serious, probably just a partial block in a pipe somewhere. Her normal plumbers had been busy for the next week and so she'd called a new company she'd never heard of. It was against all of Joan's instincts, especially since most of her friends said they'd never even heard of these people. She was beginning to think he might be a scam-artist.
Joan reached forward to check the boiler, but the engineer grabbed her wrist. "Don't do that! Don't you know they're
venomous?"
"Venomous?"
He nodded. "Deadly little buggers. They get inside boilers by going through the pipes, see, and then it's impossible to get 'em out. I'll have to take the boiler away and incinerate it."
"Why've I never heard of these?" Joan asked as they descended back down the ladder.
"Government doesn't like to talk about it, love," he replied, closing the attic hatch. "Lots of houses have them though, you're not alone. Lucky for you we specialise in boiler goose removal. It'll cost you though."
"How much?" sighed Joan.
He shrugged. "Two grand, maybe. Depends on whether the infection has spread to your pipes."
"Is that even possible?" she asked as they went into the bathroom.
"Oh yeah, happens all the time. You know how a mouse can get through a hole the size of a thick pencil? Well, it's like that, but with a goose."
Joan wasn't particularly impressed with that analogy, but she certainly didn't want venomous creatures of the order Anatidae in her plumbing. She watched as the plumber bent down under her sink and fiddled around with some pipes.
"Hmmm..." muttered the plumber, tapping something with a wrench. "There's one in there."
"Can't you get it out then?" asked Joan, one eyebrow raised slightly in disbelief. "You're the professional, deal with it!"
"Just isn't that easy..." he replied slowly, looking at the pipes from various different angles. "See love, if we take out that pipe now, it'll alert the boiler geese that we're onto them."
"Alert them?"
"These Vomica Anatidae are cunning. If they know you're onto them, they'll gestate, then you're really fucked."
"Vomica..."
"Boil. That's Latin that is."
"Right. What happens when they gestate then?"
"A whole shitstorm. They breed like rabbits, and the slightest thing'll set them off. Turning the taps on and off is ok, but if they're panicked, they'll spawn."
It seemed clear to Joan now this was a load of rubbish. Boiler geese? How absurd.
"Right, well, thanks for coming," she said, trying to usher the scammer out of the door.
"But I haven't checked the kitchen piping yet," he pointed out, brandishing his screw-driver. "We have to know the extent of the problem."
"I'll handle that, don't worry," she said mock-kindly, ushering him out and slamming the door behind him. Bloody people! If she didn't fall for those Nigerian princes, she certainly wasn't going to fall for this.
Over the next few days Joan began to feel less and less certain. There had been no noise from inside the pipes and no sign of this "spawning", but still she thought it was possible. Less and less water was coming out every day, and today she could barely get out a drop. Since her plumber still wasn't around, she decided to open up the pipes and have a look.
Using her grandfather's wrench, she slowly opened up the pipe and peered inside.
Two tiny pinpricks of light looked back at her.
Then the boiler goose gave out a cry, and things went considerably downhill from there.
"I've got what?" exclaimed Joan. "Boiler geese?"
Things were spiralling drastically out of control. At first it had seemed that she merely had a slight plumbing problem - less water was coming out of the taps that expected. Nothing too serious, probably just a partial block in a pipe somewhere. Her normal plumbers had been busy for the next week and so she'd called a new company she'd never heard of. It was against all of Joan's instincts, especially since most of her friends said they'd never even heard of these people. She was beginning to think he might be a scam-artist.
Joan reached forward to check the boiler, but the engineer grabbed her wrist. "Don't do that! Don't you know they're
venomous?""Venomous?"
He nodded. "Deadly little buggers. They get inside boilers by going through the pipes, see, and then it's impossible to get 'em out. I'll have to take the boiler away and incinerate it."
"Why've I never heard of these?" Joan asked as they descended back down the ladder.
"Government doesn't like to talk about it, love," he replied, closing the attic hatch. "Lots of houses have them though, you're not alone. Lucky for you we specialise in boiler goose removal. It'll cost you though."
"How much?" sighed Joan.
He shrugged. "Two grand, maybe. Depends on whether the infection has spread to your pipes."
"Is that even possible?" she asked as they went into the bathroom.
"Oh yeah, happens all the time. You know how a mouse can get through a hole the size of a thick pencil? Well, it's like that, but with a goose."
Joan wasn't particularly impressed with that analogy, but she certainly didn't want venomous creatures of the order Anatidae in her plumbing. She watched as the plumber bent down under her sink and fiddled around with some pipes.
"Hmmm..." muttered the plumber, tapping something with a wrench. "There's one in there."
"Can't you get it out then?" asked Joan, one eyebrow raised slightly in disbelief. "You're the professional, deal with it!"
"Just isn't that easy..." he replied slowly, looking at the pipes from various different angles. "See love, if we take out that pipe now, it'll alert the boiler geese that we're onto them."
"Alert them?"
"These Vomica Anatidae are cunning. If they know you're onto them, they'll gestate, then you're really fucked."
"Vomica..."
"Boil. That's Latin that is."
"Right. What happens when they gestate then?"
"A whole shitstorm. They breed like rabbits, and the slightest thing'll set them off. Turning the taps on and off is ok, but if they're panicked, they'll spawn."
It seemed clear to Joan now this was a load of rubbish. Boiler geese? How absurd.
"Right, well, thanks for coming," she said, trying to usher the scammer out of the door.
"But I haven't checked the kitchen piping yet," he pointed out, brandishing his screw-driver. "We have to know the extent of the problem."
"I'll handle that, don't worry," she said mock-kindly, ushering him out and slamming the door behind him. Bloody people! If she didn't fall for those Nigerian princes, she certainly wasn't going to fall for this.
*******
Over the next few days Joan began to feel less and less certain. There had been no noise from inside the pipes and no sign of this "spawning", but still she thought it was possible. Less and less water was coming out every day, and today she could barely get out a drop. Since her plumber still wasn't around, she decided to open up the pipes and have a look.
Using her grandfather's wrench, she slowly opened up the pipe and peered inside.
Two tiny pinpricks of light looked back at her.
Then the boiler goose gave out a cry, and things went considerably downhill from there.
posted by Mkzrj at 10:55 am
4 Comments:
Is this similar to pubic crabs?
Another WTF moment there.
In a story.
So in a way, it was like a Story of WTF...
Nice story ;) Make an uncyclopedia entry on the subject! Link to yourself... :P
Ahh those Boiler Geese are pesky.
I've heard that they are on a par with Refrigerator Storks. I had a case of those a few years back, couldn't eat anything from the fridge for a month. Pests.
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