Pack

Windows XP Service Pack 3

Hello! We're glad that Windows Updates has downloaded this and forced you to restart your computer at the most inopportune time! We'd like to take up even more of your time to explain to you the amazing new additions that service pack 3 brings to your Windows system!

• The error report system has been made 63% more annoying according to our surveys. Instead of simply offering to send a report about programs Microsoft has never heard of, it also insists on coming up even when you close programs normally. This is to help us decide why you normally press the 'X' in the corner so that eventually - sometime in the future - there will be no need for an 'X' button. Simply happiness.
• It has come to our attention that some people aren't too keen on the blue screen of death, so we've come up with a brilliant way to make it better. Having teamed up with assorted spyware companies, when the blue screen comes up you will now be offered adverts based on whatever you were doing before the crash - like Battlefield 2142!

• We recieved some feedback about the little bubble that pops up, declaring you have unused desktop icons. Despite this being annoying and pointless, we've been wondering why no-one ever pays attention to it and actually deletes the offending icon. Because of this, a message no longer appears! Instead, any icon that hasn't been used within the last ten minutes is deleted - and not just the shortcut. The entire program goes! We think this'll help clear up your desktops.
• There are too many themes avaliable in Windows XP - three is simply absurd. No-one needs that kind of choice! We've now reduced it to only the standard blue design, and also disabled the use of things like Windowblinds. No longer can you customise your newly-itemless desktop!
• Everyone loves Clippit! Therefore, we're adding a whole new interactive dimension to Clippit! Following on from the popularity of mindless tripe like Pokemon and Digimon, Clippit can now mate and have little Clippits! These have less functionality than the original, but if you care for them, over time they can become just as useful!

Hope you enjoy the brilliant new updates for XP while you await Vista - filled with such treats as the taskbar that vanishes if you don't feed it daily, and windows that have a brief logic puzzle when loading up to keep your brain healthy and in shape.

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Thanks to everyone who I asked to suggest the worst things about Windows for today's entry...