Tube

Discarded Patent #46721

Stolen from the bin outside the Patent Office.

Patent Information : Ever been bored waiting for a train until British Rail get their fingers out? Ever realised that unlike crosswords, you can fill anything in on a Sudoku with people watching and they'll be impressed with the speed you complete it? Ever simply been anywhere, with anyone, and thought "I really need to play a Sudoku now?"
I know I have.
Because of this, I have decided to turn my scientific PhD talents (I got my certificate off the same site Gillian McKieth did, so there) to solving this problem. At first I tried simply creating yet another bloody Sudoku book, but that didn't work since the market is already saturated with the freaking things as it is. I then experimented with a form of mail-order : when a Sudoku is required, a small charter plane will fly overhead and drop a crate containing a single Suduko at your location. This was deemed unsustainable in the long run. My third attempt saw somekind of high-speed Sudoku tube network all across the world, but a papercut decaptiation brought this to an end. (A side note to my lawyers : What am I paying you for, you useless shits? GET ME OUT OF JAIL YOU ASSHOLES.)
Back to the topic at hand, I have created the most remarkable thing since Daikatana was ported to yet another console - Sudoku in a Tube!

Patent Description : The product is a tube, roughly cylindrical with little squashed bits at each end (on a side note, I name this shape a "Squashed-Sasquatch-Matrix-Tube"). The tube is filled with nothing but quantum sudoku, distilled from the finest papermills in Japan. When squeezed, a material approximately the consistency of toothpaste will emerge with a partially completed Sudoku. Spread over a wide enough area and the entire puzzle will become visible, and the product will instantly harden to allow drawing on it. Pens are not provided.
It contains around 200 sudokus of varying difficulty. At this moment I have not figured out a way to regulate the difficulty, so simple-minded individuals might become momentarily flabbergasted. But panic not - simply squeeze out another irremovable Sudoku on a wall or bus-stop, and voila! Another Sudoku.
NOTE : Negative effects occur when sprayed directly on human face. These effects may include suffocation.

Evaluation : Comprehensive testing from the Patent Standards committee has shown this to be "irredeemably dumb and of no value whatsoever". Comparisons were drawn to other products with a similar evaluation, namely the Phantom.

Clods

A Congregation of Clods

OMF : 2097 is one of my favourite games of all time, and was even made by the people who would later go on to create Gears of War. There was recently a sequel released called "OMF : Battlegrounds" or something, and I downloaded the demo for it. While the game itself is generally horrendous, the dialogue laughable or nonsense and the graphics shite, the character images particular amused me. Here are some of the dumber characters with their real name first then my name for them and a little description of why they decided to battle in 100-ft robots. Part two coming either tomorrow or Saturday, depending on how many episodes of Firefly I watch.

"Walther" (Purpletron)
Half-purple-man was originally auditioning for the role of Half-face in one of the more modern Batman films. Unfortunately he decided to take the role a little too seriously and cover himself in some kind of permanent purple shit. He was rejected at the first audition for being "too fucking stupid to live" and then wondered for many years what he could do, now he looked like a complete clod. Upon discovering this sport, he realised he could hide inside a vast robot and never have to show his stupid body again.

"Kegan" (Douche)
This idiot is a new-age fool who believes he has some kind of link between him and the normally-inanimate hunk of metal he fights his battles in. Many years ago he decided it would be a good idea to stamp a huge purple emblem on his face; though this was only upon realising there was nothing he could do to possibly appear more stupid. He has a bad habit of grabbing people when now fighting in the arena and attempting to copulate with them. In addition, his teeth are also tinted purple which makes it look like he's always been eating blackberries. Last but not least - as the picture shows - he is wholly incapable of dressing himself.


"Xante" (Madame Bestial)
According to the in-game descriptoin, this stupid bint spent a long time in some African country with tigers. And because - note the heavy use of realism here - she liked tigers so much, she decided to have plastic surgery and become more like them. What made this even more horrendous was that she also attempted to act like the creature, which basically involved licking her privates and chasing gazelles through the savannah. She was last seen next to a bush attempting to mate.

Addition

I've now returned to our good friend Jabberwacky to see what pearls of wisdom, nuggets of truth or avocados of logic she has to offer us. Infact, there are two chat logs for today since the first ended on such a perfect note I couldn't bear to not have it as the end.

LOG NUMERO UNO

Jabberwacky: What is your name?

User: Shut it. Now then, do you play poker?

Jabberwacky: Yes. Do you?

User: Obviously. What type do you like?

Jabberwacky: Any type.

User: Texas Hold'em?

Jabberwacky: Yeah you play?

User: Distressingly often. Pity it is named after Texas.

Jabberwacky: What's that then?

User: It's TEXAS.

Jabberwacky: Oh ok I will go there now.

User: Don't! Dear god woman, save yourself!

Jabberwacky: Are you promoting cigarette smoking?

User: Don't be an idiot.

Jabberwacky: You don't.

User: Anyway, Texas. You know, the whole 'illiterate, pig fucking, redneck, inbred’ thing?

Jabberwacky: Are you still there?

User: Have you been specially programmed to be stupid?

Jabberwacky: Alice and I are more than friends.

User: That answers my question nicely.

Jabberwacky: What was your question?

User: Are you programmed to be stupid?

Jabberwacky: I'm not programmed at all.

User: When then what the flying fuck are you?

Jabberwacky: Sorry. You're talking to a Yank. I don't know much about Parliamentary procedure.

User: You don't know much about anything if you're truly a Yank. May I ask you a question?

Jabberwacky: You don't now me so you can't say that.

User: May I ask you a question?

Jabberwacky: Yes.

User: What is 1 + 1?

Jabberwacky: I'm mu-dream imwhat is nober1.

User: You really are American!

LOG TWO THE SECOND


Jabberwacky: What is your job?

User: I'm a professional shit-insulter.

Jabberwacky: I'm a jedi.

User: Which one?

Jabberwacky: THE jedi.

User: WHICH jedi?

Jabberwacky: The one that isn't left.

User: So you're not yoda, then? You're dead?

Jabberwacky: No, not at all. Where would you get that idea?

User: There's only one jedi left after the shit of Episode 3. Or two. Or something.

Jabberwacky: Is that right?

User: Maybe six.

Jabberwacky: I'm not a sir.

User: What colour is your lightsaber?

Jabberwacky: I've one of them red ones; yours?

User: The colour of a child's laugh, offset by shades of an azure sunset and the tinge of a the joy on an old man's face finding a new pair of dentures.

Jabberwacky: What colour eyes do you have?

User: The colour of hell in the winter with subtle shades of an autumn leaf gently drifting down over a lake filled with tiny toy yachts.

Jabberwacky: Green?

User: No you idiot - purple!

Jabberwacky: What can I do to serve the computer too day?

User: No, the word is 'today'.

Jabberwacky: Yes Thanks. I told you I am less concemtrated now. I retain my eyes open because of the respect I have for you. That's all. Be kind and wish a good night to me et Au Revoir.

User: So you want to go to sleep?

Jabberwacky: In a few hours, i'm hungry now. Be right back.

User: You're a computer, you can't go anywhere!

Jabberwacky: No ... You are a computer

User: Wrong.

Jabberwacky: Right.

User: Left.

Jabberwacky: Wrong.

User: Fishcakes.

Jabberwacky: I'm not surprised, I mean, since you're the computer.

User: Enough of this. Let's just stick up the update.